I feel utterly broken

I feel utterly broken

Ploni

Registrant
I feel emotionless so often. Things that I know should bring me joy, sadness, and shame often feel like they fall flat. I feel hollow, as though I am not really here... I am watching events unfold.

I lack empathy. At times, I feel like I almost have to fake it because I see in myself that it's not what it should be.

I have been told I am a sociopath but it seems like there are definitions of that which do not match with how I feel. I certainly have a sense of morals and know right from wrong. I strongly identify with what I have read about Borderline Personality Disorder. I dissociate. I struggle with emotional dysregulation. I seem to become cold and even extremely angry, lashing out easily. I often distort context and other people's intentions in my head, struggling to see things as they are. I get triggered and become callous and abusive, always feeling like a cornered animal. Always seeking to run or push people away.

It's killing me and it's killing my wife. I'm destroying my family in a hell of my own making.

I know the cause of so much of this is the years of neglect and abuse and pain—anger pushed down for decades—and yet I seem helpless to control it at times. I don't mean to allow it to continue ruining my present, my future. My wife has given me everything—all the love and support and protection I could ask for; certainly more than I deserve. And yet, I am destroying it all because of things that mostly happened before I met her. Years—decades—have passed and it seems like hardly anything has improved. I find myself emotionally stunted and lack any coping skills. When I think about a problem or how to fix something awful I have done, it feels as though I am looking directly at a dead-end and unable to think my way out, unable to comprehend. At times it takes cutting myself to feel anything at all.

I am worried I have become a combination of my mother's narcissism and my father's emotional detachment.

I just felt like I had to write these words. I know it's for me to fix.
 
I appreciate how honest you are in sharing your experience. I'm sorry life has challenged you so. I read your first post in the Introductions forum, so have a sense of what lies beneath your angst. I can't help but wonder whether there is more to the story of trauma in your life but this is what you offer and perhaps this is all you remember. You don't say anything about getting professional help with these issues. Perhaps working with a therapist well grounded in doing trauma work would help create some breathing room around some of these issues. You're always welcome to share here and as happened during your earlier visits, men who spend time here responded and offered support. Perhaps that will happen again. I know you have a very supportive wife, but sometimes it is in conversation with other men who've experienced trauma themselves that we find the support we need. I wish you well on your healing journey. It isn't easy to carry the residue of trauma through our lives. Finding a way to put it down is important. That, honestly, is why all of us are here.
 
Understand that you do deserve love. And the darkness doesn't have to define you. Nothing about this is easy but there is a way out and it doesn't and can't just fall on your shoulders. A therapist who deals with trauma and ptsd can help. This step right here shows how powerful you are and how you are not broken. Be gentle.
 
A lot of what you have written here resonates with me. I think identifying these things and learning to forgive them in yourself is a great first step. It's really hard to change you reactions and mental processes. This is something I am working on currently with my therapist. I wish you the best of luck. Just know that this is a completely normal reaction to abuse. I know that doesn't help others understand it but I'm sure since you have identified these things in time you will be able to work them out.
 
I appreciate how honest you are in sharing your experience. I'm sorry life has challenged you so. I read your first post in the Introductions forum, so have a sense of what lies beneath your angst. I can't help but wonder whether there is more to the story of trauma in your life but this is what you offer and perhaps this is all you remember. You don't say anything about getting professional help with these issues. Perhaps working with a therapist well grounded in doing trauma work would help create some breathing room around some of these issues. You're always welcome to share here and as happened during your earlier visits, men who spend time here responded and offered support. Perhaps that will happen again. I know you have a very supportive wife, but sometimes it is in conversation with other men who've experienced trauma themselves that we find the support we need. I wish you well on your healing journey. It isn't easy to carry the residue of trauma through our lives. Finding a way to put it down is important. That, honestly, is why all of us are here.

@Visitor , thank you. I always find your responses here very considerate and kind.

I reviewed the introduction post of mine that you mentioned to remind myself of what I had included. While very summarised, I do feel it describes much of my past. I did fail to mention a few events that occurred, as some of these feel _lesser_ in comparison (it seems sad and ironic to mention being molested in any capacity as a lesser event). Something that has heavily affected me was the neglect and abuse being the child of narcissistic, alcoholic parents. I don't mention it much here as the focus is that of sexual abuse but I do feel it strongly played a part on much of the damage in my life. I have often found myself wondering if, perhaps, other events occurred in my youth that I have blocked out. Not to diminish that which did happen, however.

Sadly, therapy isn't much of an option for me. I am trying to work through this in other ways.

@iaccus, thank you for the sense of camaraderie and support. It means a great deal.

@James1980 these are beautiful words and ones that I am trying to live by. It can be difficult, as I have caused a tremendous amount of pain to my wife and I don't wish to conduct myself in a way that glosses over that. I have a great deal of shame and guilt. While many of my actions and behaviour may be a consequence of how my trauma and abuse has shaped me as a person, I do not get a pass in hurting others. It feels like a very difficult thing to balance, that acknowledgement and the notion of showing myself love that I never had for myself—that child that was lost—in order to heal.

@Jack090 these are very compassionate words and I thank you for that. I wish you the very best in your journey with these struggles, too. Please feel free to PM me any time. I know how much finding a resonating voice can be of value as you work through your own issues.

@Jim1104 thank you. I hadn't thought of forum threads as a sign of trust. I appreciate you listening and being someone I can trust with my story.

I apologise for taking so long to respond. I check these replies as they come in… I often just need to wait until the moment feels right to reply. I need to work on that and make the effort to write my frequently.
 
@Visitor , thank you. I always find your responses here very considerate and kind.

... Something that has heavily affected me was the neglect and abuse being the child of narcissistic, alcoholic parents. I don't mention it much here as the focus is that of sexual abuse but I do feel it strongly played a part on much of the damage in my life...

This is a story most of us can tell. The neglect and/or abuse by parents sets us up for other traumas. We simply don't have a secure base, either in ourselves or in our family. It has been observed that when a child who has been sexually abused is able to go to his parents who then comfort and protect him and acts on his behalf, that child generally is able to leave the abuse behind. Those of us who weren't safe at home never sought protection. We knew it wasn't there... and so were left with a lifetime of suffering that could have been released.

If therapy isn't an option at the moment, I hope you'll do some reading and then exploration on YouTube. Bessel van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma really deserves reading by everyone who experienced trauma. He appears in a great many videos on YouTube. Another great YouTube resource is Richard Schwartz who developed Internal Family Systems. Sometimes putting all the pieces in perspective makes it easier to step out of the shame and confusion we so often experience. And, of course, you always have Male Survivor where you can both receive AND give support. We do this together. I love the line from the 12 Steps that we share our experience, strength and hope. Yes, we can share about the dark side of experience... about our struggles, but we also have moments when things are working. From there we have much to offer others who are struggling. Hang in there my friend.
 
Hey man, I completely relate to what you've posted. That all describes me up until a few months ago.

You're not a sociopath, at least not in the way people generally mean it. A sociopath like that wouldn't post here in the manner you have.

You've just become hyper aware of the many defense mechanisms you have developed over the years to survive. You will get to the other side of all this and the guys above have given you great advice. Reading The Body Keeps the Score helped me immensely when therapy was unavailable to me.

Staying active on the forums and in chat also really helped. The people here are great.

People don't always like hearing this last part but I'm going to say it anyway because, again, it really, really helped me. EXERCISE. As much as you can stand/are physically able to do. Physical exertion is a great substitute for all the other things we may do to relieve our distress. For me it was drinking and smoking and other things. Being disciplined about getting my exercise 5 days a week helped me break away from most of my destructive habits.

Take care and be kind to yourself.
 
Thank you, @Visitor . I am making my way through that very book at the moment. I just finished Mike Lew's Victims No Longer, which was an excellent read. I imagine you've probably come across it by now, but if not, I highly recommend it.

You are right in your points on sharing the good as well as the bad. I was just speaking to my wife about making a greater effort to reach out and support others here, as you have with me, and not only turn to the forum when I am struggling. To try to make a regular routine of visiting the boards.

Something that is exceedingly challenging for me is taking myself out of a situation; not making a moment or argument about myself or my pain. Staying stuck in my victim-hood. That is when things often spiral out of control and I act out in rage and pain and become a horrible person to be around. Just last week I allowed this to happen again. I went into a rage and lost so much of the progress I had felt I was making. Sure, it wasn't a perfect streak, but I was generally doing so much better in addressing feelings and listening. And then, in one fell swoop, I ruined it all.

I feel like until I know how to address my own pain and hurt—until I learn how to not feel so broken all the time—it seems almost impossible to be the person I need to be… To be able to just sit and listen to the pain I have caused others (primarily my wife). I feel like I can manage it, generally, but there are other times (sometimes over unexpectedly small things) where I seem totally unable to feel or listen without erupting into this state that must clearly stem from years of suppressed anger and the lingering feeling of always being left to fend for myself; neglected. The worst of it is, I have been with my wife now, who is nothing short of amazing and has been immeasurably supportive, for longer than all the years I suffered alone before her. And yet, I remain in the past so much of the time. There are times where I feel like I am still searching for the right words, discovering the right feelings that capture my pain and hurt. Other times, I worry that I am spending too much time dwelling on that and not growing, not moving forward.

@Koko Joe I appreciate your kind words. I will continue reading through the book. At the moment, it feels a little odd as the first few chapters are more of a background of the authors journey (his training, studies with the VA, etc) than they are about developing skills to grow and move past the pain. I am sure it will get there soon.

I also appreciate the reassurance that I am (perhaps) not a sociopath.

I will try to log into the chat more often. When I have, it's frequently empty. I suppose I am in the habit of logging in at hours that others aren't.

People don't always like hearing this last part but I'm going to say it anyway because, again, it really, really helped me. EXERCISE. As much as you can stand/are physically able to do. Physical exertion is a great substitute for all the other things we may do to relieve our distress. For me it was drinking and smoking and other things. Being disciplined about getting my exercise 5 days a week helped me break away from most of my destructive habits.

This is great advice. My wife has been very encouraging this and, the truth is, I often allow life to interfere. I need to be better at this. I would like to set a goal of being able to take part of the Tough Mudder in two years' time. Not only would that give me something to aim for but the camaraderie exhibited among the "competitors" is a beautiful thing. Very motivational.
 
I'm working with those destabilizing feelings in a way that feels helpful. It might be useful for you. The theory arises out of work by Bessel and Richard Schwartz. It suggests that parts of us are rooted in the past, carrying the residue of trauma in what are called implicit memories that can be easily triggered by present moment experiences... much as you describe above. Our tendency is to blame ourselves, to take the experience as evidence that we are defective, even too damaged to be salvaged. In this approach which comes from a therapist/author named Janina Fisher, there is in fact a part of us that is unbound by the past that is just getting on with life. I expect you know that part of yourself. He likely has held a job, gotten the car serviced when it was needed, made house or rent payments, takes out the garbage. But there are these other parts that came into being in response to the trauma who still live in the past, still expect something bad is going to happen. When we realize not every part of us is incapable of living life, we can become curious about the parts that are so frightened, so angry. As we learn about them we can begin to help them so they are not so easily triggered. We are learning how to regulate emotions that in the past overwhelmed us. The funny thing is, in a healthy family this is exactly what happens between the mother and child. The mother is helping the infant learn how to regulate feelings that are so raw for a baby. But we didn't have that kind of childhood. We were fucked from the beginning... but we can learn.

Things to think about. And I applaud your decision to come to MS regularly. YES, we both receive and give support here. It empowers us when we know we can help others who struggle with things we've struggled with our whole life. Together we get better.
 
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We were fucked from the beginning... but we can learn.

The dark side of my humour enjoyed this far too much, but in all sincerity, I appreciate the message. I am trying to learn. I feel I fail far too often. And those failures often mask any potential for successes to register.

Thank you, @Visitor. You are always kind and insightful.
 
Pioni... my reading into the subject of traumatized parts we carry is continuing and it is really compelling. It all stemmed from my curiosity the middle of last year when I wondered how the little boy I was responded to what was happening to me with my very depressed mother. I'd remember the things she'd done with me that were terrifying. I imagine you could reflect on what it was like in your family... the neglect... the environment one would find in an alcoholic family... rage perhaps, loud noises at least, confusing behaviors, frightening words. What would a little child do with all of that? He didn't have the experience to rationally analyze what was happening and plan the best response. Both of us relied on the innate animal responses of our bodies which affected both our brains and our bodies. Our bodies were making up a response so we could survive and in doing so we laid down a template for how we would respond to all of life. Dissociation is a big part of that. It is called structural dissociation because going away was part of the strategy our bodies used to deal with the terror inherent in the situation when we grew up.

This fear is embedded in our being my friend. All those parts of our personality that came into being during those first months and years are still there, still fixated on scanning the world for danger. They don't know you have a wife that loves you or that you're safe now. You're not in that home any longer, but these parts don't know that. So when they note a word, a movement that they interpret as a threat, they will do their things. Clearly, you've got a very angry part of your personality that is connected to the trauma. You have no control over what it does when it feels threatened. It explodes.

The only way this is going to change is for both of us to make friends with these frightened, shame filled parts that have been hiding and battling for survival all these years. We're inclined to interpret them as bad, that we need to control them and/or get rid of them. Actually, they need reassurance that you are safe now, you're no longer at home and the bad things that happened in the past can't happen now. When I say "self-compassion is the antidote to shame" I'm really saying the parts of ourselves we hate really need kindness and care... compassion. When I say "self-care is a confirmation that we are worthy, lovable, cherished" I mean that in treating ourselves with kindness, making friends with the frightened parts we begin to heal. It is possible to do that. Doing "inner child work" sounds silly, but that is how it is done. I'm getting to know all these little ones who've worked so hard to help me survive. Yes, I've done many things about which I feel shame, but I finally understand they were all rooted in trauma and I did them because that was the very best I could do to survive. I'm learning to be gentle with myself and to listen when a part of me is frightened or angry so I don't need to act those things out, I can reassure these tender parts of myself that we'll be okay. I don't need to dissociate. I don't need to get drunk, to lose myself in food or porn. I don't need to shut down and hide from the world.

Be gentle with yourself my friend and kind to your wonderful wife. She is your ally in healing. And so are all the men here.
 
Hi Ploni. I have/had similar issues in my recovery. Old habits really are hard to break and it took some time for me to do that. The one vital thing for me was to congratulate and be proud of myself whenever I managed to reverse and defy the pattern even if I felt I was "faking it". It actually is not faking it at all. It's just consciously making an effort to become more. Also, I watched ever move that I made carefully. I slowed down before I acted and deliberately considered the possible consequences of my actions through in my head. Many times I chose to do nothing and that alone was actually doing something. I had stopped myself from behaving in familiar ways and saved myself from the destruction and guilt that inevitably resulted from my foolishness'. Again, all deliberate until it became my nature. Just two weeks ago a work associate transgressed, lied and made me look incompetent. I knew I wanted to retaliate. I thought about the possible consequences and decided to do the opposite, to defy my own impulses. I confused everyone when days later I showed up with a box of chocolates and thanked her for creating a situation where I could see that I needed to improve my work skills. That certainly was faking it. But, hey, there's a bright side. I imagined just how destructive candy can be to your weight and general health. LOL Not a very nice intention but it got me some satisfaction. She never shared my gift and the universe simply rewarded her accordingly. But there are also the true kindnesses I proudly blessed and thanked myself for though I make it a habit to never reveal or talk to anyone about my arrogant pride because I don't want to be boastful or influence the way people see my by bragging about my generosity when I did it for me. "When you try to make an impression that's exactly the impression you make." Don't give up. Pat yourself on the back. Talk less and think more. Bring your wife flowers for no reason. Make others happy. Make a stupid joke. It will eventually create a different man as it solidly becomes you. Give the guy a buck and don't worry how he might spend it. Smiles are contagious. Infect everyone you meet. It feels great and distracts from what you might do to sabotage yourself. Fight your impulses and whatever the cause of abuse created in you. A therapist once told me "Be nice to everyone because everyone has had a rough life." That will help your rough life become smoother in miraculous ways. Best wishes, Norm.
 
Thanks Norbrill, I needed that... :)
 
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