I feel the need to speak

I feel the need to speak
M

Maynard

Registrant
I come hear daily and do not posts very often, but I feel the need to speak today.

The last month has been extremely hard for me since I have finally came out of denial about my SA. I find that one of the hardest things about it is the repressed memories. Some people might consider this a blessing and others might consider this a curse. I suppose I won't know for sure until I do remember.

I know that the abuse started at such a young age, 2 or 3, that it would have been impossable for me to have lived my life with the memory of it. At the age when I was supposed to have been protected by those that were close and trusted, I was damaged by some of them. I always kind of think of myself in terms of what would a baby tree turn out like if you fed it poison when it just was starting to grow.

I have never been able to trust anyone, not even my mother, who is probably the most compassionate person I know. In some sense I feel some resentment towards her, which causes me pain, because without a doubt I know that if she actually knew what was going on she would have put a stop to it immediately, and probabaly sent the bastard to prison. As soon as my sister remembered being abused, my mother would have no contact with the perp in any form, and she would not let us see him either, this was when me and all my siblings were teenagers. The perp was a family member.

There were many many signs to us being abused, but my mom is of such a trusting nature and always believes the best about people she failed to accept or see the truth. I suppose it is true that often times our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness.

My mom has been the glue in my family and I would hate to know where we would all be without her. It causes me pain that at times she blames herself, yet at times I feel as if she failed at her job as a mother, which was simply to protect us. I hate feeling this way since I love my mother so much. I suppose I would rather be hurt by someone with good intentions then the opposite. Although usually I have been hurt by people who intend to cause me harm, which my mother would never ever do.
 
Thank you.
I used to be very angry with my mother. Because I was placed in a foster home when she became ill and I endured months and months of sexual abuse. I blamed her because she wan't there to protect me. And then one day, I stopped. I made the man who did this to me responsible. I was angry with him, and I blamed him, and I held him responsible. It was his fault. Not hers. Not mine.
 
I also blamed my mother for the SA but realized that she couldn't have known as she was a most trusting soul.
It was a little later that I came to trust and revere her. She was on hell of a woman. She died in my arms knowing that I loved and cherished her.
rik
 
My mother told me she came home from class when I was just a baby, and I was covered with bruises. My dad had beat me black and blue. Then a few years later my uncle SA me. She took me to the doctor and got me creams for these strange problems I was having down there.

I asked her recently about all that. The doctor visits--she said it was a circumcision gone bad. But the black and blue? I mean, she couldn't ignore that. I asked her why she stayed with my dad when she knew that he was scaring us kids and hurting us. Her answer? She loved him.

There's a fine line between my mother's being too trusting and her choosing to stay ignorant. It's only been the last couple of months that I've understood that it's OK for me to let go of her. The baby bird does leave the nest. My life and my sanity lie out there somewhere.
 
I was mad with my family (father/mother siblings) to an extent mad with god. I did not even know it was CSA messing my brain to think this way. It is all the fault of CSA and the perp's fault. After channelling the anger and understand effects of SA now i repent and mourn for all that stupid thinking of mine. I am really sorry for my self for missing out on right Vs wrong. Mind is a powerfull tool was turned to destructive thinking by SA with out our knowledge. All is left is to deal with and cure/recover.
 
I'm still working on trying to understand my parents' limitations. My hope is that understanding will lead to forgiveness, more for my healing than for them.

Dad was a drunk and a gambler, in and out of jobs, sometimes AWOL for days. My mother was a closet drunk, her way of retaliating against him. When he'd be out at night, she'd drink in the dark of her bedroom then bring me, as a small boy, into her bed to protect her from the drunk husband who might return home. She always told me what a loser he was and how I was just like him.

And when he would come home drunk, she'd instigate some issue between her and me, get him riled up to the point where he would beat the hell out of me. Then, manipulative person that she is, she'd come to my rescue, standing over the two of us screaming for him to stop before he killed me. She did her share of hitting me too, even bloodied my nose at age 5 or 6 with a backhander then filled my mouth with hot sauce to top it all off. I even remember being beaten with my father's belt if I wasn't eating fast enough or eating enough period.

What they were both doing was molding and shaping a victim. Certainly the treatment at home wasn't making me feel loved or wanted or protected. And, as we all know too well, perps can pick out kids like that from a mile away.

So I'm trying to get it into my head that they were not equipped to be good parents (although my 3 siblings seemed to escape the abuse and neglect). And though they 'try' they still aren't able to step up to the plate and take responsibility in their roles of victimizing me and making me a boy ripe for outside abusers. I'm working all the time to figure out a way to accept that. And I'd welcome any insight anyone might have that would make it easier. Thanks for listening. - Peace - John
 
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