I Feel So Tired

[beccy]

Thanks Trish,

it's so good to hear from others who really understand. When I really think about it, I think my bf is really doing well with his recovery, beginning to share his feelings with me and putting so much effort into addressing all the aspects of himself which concern him. We seem to be able to talk now like we never could before...he's stopped taking everything I say as meaning he's inadequate in some way and I've stopped getting so angry.

I think it's incredible that he realised through talking with his T that his 'ugly' feelings of anger etc were actually jealousy and he just didn't entitle himself to them....maybe that's the same for your bf too? I suppose feelings/expressions of anger will have been hugely repressed in the passed, so perhaps they're a difficult thing for survivors to acknowledge? I know my bf is finding it more ok to accept these kinds of feelings since I've been expressing my feelings in as non-confrontational non-angry way as possible. But in another way, I'm also more firm and powerful and less defensive than I was, so he knows what I mean, which is, 'I love you, I'm not going to leave you, but I won't take this s**t!' And also spelling out very clearly what it is I DO need. It's a full time occupation though, don't you think? And I don't know what I need half the time, so that makes it doubly difficult!

will write again soon..

peace

 

[SAR]

beccy,

I think it's incredible that he realised through talking with his T that his 'ugly' feelings of anger etc were actually jealousy and he just didn't entitle himself to them

I think my partner experiences this too; also there is a "vocabulary" issue at times; he's not used to sorting put and acknowledging his feelings, and he has had to learn the language for sharing what is in his head beyond "bad" and "not bad."

Notice it isn't bad or good-- an actual positive response to "how was your day?" or "what's on your mind?" is rare even these days-- and I have seen where a lot of survivors are reluctant to share because of this. If you feel like you're living in a world of shit, basically, why would you want to bring someone you love into that? There are certainly times my partner feels he's doing me a favor by not sharing.

The other issue you mention, about feeling like you and your boyfriend may not be able to meet each other's needs anymore... I think I will make a separate post, tomorrow when I have more time.

SAR

 

[passion]

hi all,
beccy I certainly identify with feeling like your loved one doesn't want to share anything with you. It is a blow to your own self esteem and makes you unsure of anything in your future.

I have a question for anyone who can answer. When your survivor first started confronting this demon did they totally check out on you for a while? My husband has hardly had anything to say to me for a month. He stays up all night, comes to bed about 7am, gets up at 1 or 2 pm and he's out. He doesn't share where he's going or who he's with. A few times he says he's jsut been out driving.
Have any of you experienced this?

Passion

 

[beccy]

Yes Passion,

there was about a month when bf would go upstairs and work at any opportunity he could. Also we'd be having tea with our kids and he wouldn't hardly speak...then talk about his work in an obsessive way(it's his passion), then suddenly disappear off upsatirs again. Very difficult with kids!

Work is his escape, so when he's in the thick of it, he does use that as an escape. I do understand that, cause it's my escape also, but in the end, we had to talk about the impracticality of how extreme it was as far as family life is concerned. I'm not sure if it was talking about it that improved things, or if it was just because he began therapy. I think he has a very good therapist, who practices psychosyntheseis, and a very practical coping method called 'EFT'. It means he doesn't seem to get 'stuck'. He just goes off to the bedroom, repeats chosen phrases, whilst tapping meridian(I think!) points, then either has a load of crying, or masses of anger, where he beats the bed/pillows. Since he started doing this on a regular basis things have definately improved.

I don't know what to suggest about your situation, only my own personal experience. My therapist made me realise I wasn't considering my own feelings nearly enough. What about how you feel when you don't know anything about where he's going/who he's seen? Maybe he does simply go driving for the escape, but I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to have a little more respect for you.....

My guess is that because he's right at the beginning of it all, it's probably a huge effort to consider anyone elses feelings, as his are so all consuming. But because you are with him, this effects you too and in that way, I don't believe it's fair to disclude you. If there's any way you can both have a sensitive conversation about it, where you share how his behaviour makes you feel and if there are any small ways of communication which would make a difference.

take care,
Beccy

peace