I feel like a liar

[justsomeguy]

I don't know whether I was sexually abused or not. I know I've shown some signs of it since early childhood based on things I've read online, and I definitely have feelings I can't explain. But I still feel like I may be wrong, and I feel guilty for saying these things. It feels like I'm lying. I have no memory of any abuse, and as far as I know, nobody in my life ever suspected anything like this happened to me, even after my sister told on my stepdad for what he did to her. So I have nothing to go off of other than my own memories, thoughts and feelings. Maybe my mom knows something, but I don't have the courage to bring it up with her.

I don't know what I'm expecting people here to say. I'm talking to a therapist tomorrow, but I don't know what I should say. I feel wrong for doing this.

 

[oliverwendell]

Usually, where there is smoke, there is fire. Seeing a therapist is the right thing to do not only for you but for those around you as well. Memory repression can be a very difficult thing to deal with alone. Best of luck and please share your progress.

Ollie

 

[Ceremony]

Jsg, I agree with Ollie.
Consider the way you've shared your process, thinking, actions. Sexual confusion, and seeming to your young self, that recollection of innocent contact. I too did that once with a friend the same age. But, at age 12, I soon realized my error, it seems, your story held surprise from punishment. That seems to weigh toward validating your concern.
I wonder if there's any memory work that therapist can recommend. However, to me, that knowing may still be too muddled and vex your perception, just like not knowing is doing. I'm sorry you've this guessing.
You're accepted here to claim your process, and never will it need to be stated that you move on. Rather, like any of us struggling to go on, you do your process and be the best you possible.

 

[Shyshark]

I was 36 and skipping happily along when my world caved in and it started coming back. I didn't have an effing clue what the hell was going on ... I was going crazy!
My abuse began at 3 and went until 7 with 4 men ... then again at 9 with a fifth (but he's not relevant)
My shrink told me that if it hadn't been for the abuse at 5 or 6 or 7 I may have never figured out what happened when I was 3.
To this day I'm not PRECISELY certain of everything that happened ... details are lacking when your 36 and the memories are 33 years old. I'm 62 now and just recently I realized that what I had always thought was just a dream wasn't.
Quantity is not the measure to be used in determining these things ... sadly ... once is more than enough.
I'm so glad you are going to see a T.
Clearly something is wrong ... and it may not be abuse ... but it's best to try and figure out what it is.
Trust me ... just feeling and not knowing is the worst kind of hell.
A T is essential for guys who were abused when very young.
I hope it goes well for you and the T helps ... but be patient and give the T a chance even if your first impressions aren't good. If the fit isn't right (and that is often the reason for failure)... don't give up. Find another T or shrink.
Best of luck ...

Sharky

 

[Bluedogone]

It isn't a lie when you're on an honest quest for the truth. While the experience of your sister, your erratic behavior at school and with your brother don't make an air tight case, it's great you're pursuing this with a therapist.

I hope you will soon get over a feeling that you're wrong for trying to find the truth.

 

[zip14]

Wow, this strikes close to home. I am convinced that my Perp also assaulted my brother with whom he had spent a great deal more time. My brother answers the question with - Not that I can remember.

We were four in a tent in the woods for 4-5 nights with our Perp. I suspect all four were drugged in our food and abused. I just happened to wake up.

The anology I use is that of an alcoholic left in a room with four bottles of wine for four days. What is the likelihood that he is going drink just one bottle of wine?

My brother will come face to face with our Perp in court next year for the first time in over 40 years. I am more concerned for him than I am for myself going in. I've been dealing with courts for 4 years.

Post on your progress please.

 

[justsomeguy]

I talked to my mom yesterday to ask her some things about my childhood and my stepdad. So as it turns out, I was actually 1 and a half when they divorced, so if he ever did anything to me I was just a baby. She said he was very good with me and seemed to love me very much. She doesn't think he ever did anything to me, because she said she was always with me when I was a baby and was very protective.

She also told me that there was some suspicion around him doing things to one of his own boys who was around my age, but nothing was ever proven.

Apparently my real dad called Child Protective Services on my mother when I was very young because of something that he saw happening between me and my younger brother in the bathtub, but she didn't seem to know specifically what he saw. He was trying to get custody of me, and so she thought he might have been looking for things that weren't there. While investigating this, they found out that my dad's adopted son had apparently done something to my other sister, and they ended up investigating them instead.

She didn't seem to remember the story I shared here about me and my little brother, which I find odd. Around the same time, a neighbor boy did something similar to him and his friend. I remember this as well, she was able to confirm this, but could not confirm my story. She has suggested that I've had other issues, such as bipolar disorder, autism, ADD etc., but none of these ever seem to fit, as much as I'd like them to.

I just wish I had an answer. I want to know why I'm so fucked up and angry. I certainly had a dysfunctional childhood, with divorce and changing parents, fighting, bullying at school, all sorts of crap. Maybe that's all that ever happened. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something that went horribly wrong. When I was on psychedelics the second time, I really freaked out my girlfriend, because I was saying things like, "If you ever touch me again, I wouldn't want to be you...", and she thought I meant her, but even I don't know what the hell I was talking about. Afterwards I chalked it up to things I was currently dealing with, but that didn't seem right. I was mostly just trying to calm her down, really I had no idea where it came from.

If I had been thinking about someone in particular who I know has hurt me in the past, and there are quite a few to pick from, I wouldn't be so shaken up by it. But I have no idea where that was coming from. I all of a sudden just started yelling about not allowing anyone to touch me ever again, and I have no idea why, because it's been a long time since anyone ever hurt me physically, emotionally or otherwise. I've lived alone for 2 years.

I will be going in for an appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I'm not really sure what to say, since truly I have no idea what's wrong with me. I might try to talk to my mother a bit more. But all I know is that I'm feeling very, very confused.