I feel like a 3rd wheel around freinds and family

I feel like a 3rd wheel around freinds and family
G

gs

Registrant
This time of year always makes me feel quite down.Every time someone invites me round for a meal or drinks or anything I feel it would be rude not to go but when I am there I feel like I am a third wheel on the cart and I don't fit in.This is the same when I get invited to weddings or any social situations.I hate getting invitations that say "and partner".Most people know I am single but I suppose it would be rude not to put that,it just makes me really uncomfortable..I even feel lonely turning up to funerals on my own.Nearly all my freinds and family are married/attached and/or have kids and are obviously really happy together.It makes me feel really uncomfortable when they start talking about relationships or sex or ask me questions about any of those things.I turn 32 in April and I have never once had a relationship that has lasted more than a few days before they run screaming from me and my insecurities.
As every year goes on I find myself feeling miserable and lonely to the point where some days I don't even want to get out of bed, and I never want to go out anywhere with a couple.
I am really lonely.I feel like I am never going to meet a woman who makes me happy and accepts me for who I am when my freinds only seem to invite me to their homes and never to go out anywhere else.I don't know if thats because they don't go out very often or if I am just bad company in social situations.What ever it is it hurts.
I have tried internet dating with no success, and I don't know what to do.
I went to my grandmothers for xmas lunch and then I came home and curled up on the couch and felt miserable for the rest of the day.I think the couch must have been fairly well worn out in the last couple of weeks.

Any ideas or comments would be appreciated.
 
GS - if it's any comfort, I would say that real friends are people that will invite you to their homes (associates & aquaintances are more likely to keep you at arms length & see you in public places only).

I have an Auntie that only has one topic at funerals / weddings - have I got a girlfriend? Even over the last year when I didn't even know if I had a 'me'. Well I always tell her that I have one for every day of the week except Sundays when I have a rest. Yes I sometimes feel like telling her to **** off, but small town minds?! I may be taking my abuser to court this next year & that will probably stop all the inane questions & shock the hell out of my relatives that do not currently know that I was abused.

I don't know if you have told anyone of your circumstances (abuse) - if you haven't then I wish you the strength and the opportunity to do so successfully (it does happen as I well know)when you feel able to do so.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I know what you are saying about people asking if I have a girlfreind.Often people will ask me if I have a girlfreind or if I'm married and/or have any kids.Or ask me how my love life is.Occasionally when I say no people look at me sideways and you can tell they are wondering if I am gay which I find really uncomfortable.
I usually say something like woman are too expensive to keep or I can't afford one which will usually get a chuckle, but it's the only way I can think of to avoid an uncomfortable subject.
As with kids I always feel uncomfortable around them.Not because I'm a paedophile (I'm not) but I always feel that if I look at a kid the wrong way people will get the wrong idea about me.I find that when I look at a kid or even most woman for that matter (freinds included) I find myself feeling guilty.
Even when I'm driving down the road and I look at a kid or a woman walking down the road I feel guilty and feel like everyone around me is thinking I am a pervert for having a quick look.
I think I would like to be a dad one day but I am scared of myself and the screwed up way my brain works.I don't beleive I could ever hurt a child , but I am still scared of myself.
 
GS - it's sad that some people have nothing better to occupy their time than to try & label other people.

It's often limited thinking, i.e they see 1...they see another 1 & all they can think is 2. What they don't see is 1 x 1 is still one, 1 - 1 is nothing & 1 divided by 1 is one. They always want the answer to be 2. Looking at the maths - they're only right 25% of the time.

It doesn't matter what a persons sexuality is so long as they are a good person.

I know that on this site there is a whole range of preferences, ranging from those who clearly know where they stand, to those who haven't a clue. Like I said - being a decent person is the most important thing.

I have had several girlfriends who have let me down just as my abuser did... that's where the problem lies.

e.g.

One was seeing her brothers best friend behind my back (she allegedly hated him) - she married him as he had been working as a tax exile in Saudi Arabia & bought a business outright on his return.

Next one - had previously been engaged, her ex was married with 2 children so appeared to be a good bet. One night (that I wasn't seeing her), a friend called round to take me for a drink. When we entered the bar, she was sat with her tongue down her ex boyfriends throat (never saw her again after that).

If I try to explain these things to people, I feel like I just sound bitter & twisted - maybe I am??? I just got to the point where I couldn't trust anyone as I was consistantly let down. I wondered what was wrong with me (long story but), I had been let down by people of my own age and by older people (both sexes) - what was left? I can talk to children easily (and animals...one friend calls me Dr Dolittle)because they never let me down & like yourself, I will never let them down.

I vowed not to let anyone hurt me again...it's dificult for people to understand why I cannot take that risk...maybe someday I will (perhaps if my perp goes to jail this next year).

Real friends won't mind if you turn up by yourself or with a harem - they'll just want you to be happy!

As for being a dad, I could be the best dad ever - I'd probably also be the worst because I'd want to be so over protective.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I think that a lot of this problem, and it's one that has affected me in the past, is we somehow believe that we go everywhere with a big label across our forehead saying "I'm a pervert because I had sex when I was a kid"

Or something like that anyway, whatever the label says it's not true, and if you look very closely there's no actual label.
We don't stand out in a crowd, people don't stare and point at us because we were abused.
We just think they do.

The problem isn't with 'us' and the way we are, the way other people see us. The problem is with how we see ourselves.
And that's determined by the lies and crap our abuser fed us.
They told us what they believed we wanted to hear - "you're special" blah blah ....or they filled us with fear - "nobody will ever believe you"...
Either way we were forced to believe them, and we continued to do so because of the shame and guilt THEY imposed upon us - "You're enjoying this aren't you?"

So we grow up with a very distorted picture of ourselves.
If they were 'nice' to us we ended up dumped and discarded, if they were 'nasty' we believed we'd done wrong.
Abuse is a classic 'Catch 22' situation that destroys our self esteem and self worth. It's no wonder we see ourselves as social outcasts and failures.

As we work through our healing we regain our self esteem and worth by recognizing the lies of the abusers and the truth of our lives, as we do so our 'self' returns.

Those people that invite you to their home do so because they want to, if they thought you were weird or crazy they wouldn't ask. OK, they might 'wonder' if there's something up with you that makes you appear a bit'antisocial' or whatever, but that's more than likely genuine concern.

Feel proud of yourself, feel pleased that they invite you. And always remember that you are every bit as good as the next man.

Take care
Dave
 
I know how you feel. I too often feel like the 3rd wheel. My friends invite me along to go out with their girlfriends, and I am the single one. Never having a relationship worth anything, afraid to love because I fear it will only hurt me more. I too have the same responses that you do when my cousins or family or whatnot asks me if I have a girlfriend. I always say something along the lines of "They cost too much money and I'm broke" which actually seems to work pretty well because I get a laugh from it most of the time. Or I say "They are too much work" something like that.

I think it will get better though, as time goes on. I fear also that telling a few of my close friends about my SA will make them feel compelled to invite me to hangout because they know I'm having a hard time, and seeing as all my close friends have girlfriends isn't that comforting to me. I guess I should, like everyone has said feel good about the fact that they want me to come along. I am grateful, but I do turn down a lot of invitations because I don't feel comfortable.

Sorry for my little rant, but your not alone. What's weird is that this one girl that is a good friend of mine probly about 6 months ago was like "I love you Jon" and I couldn't say it back to her. I have talked to her about my SA since then and just the other night she brought that up on how I couldn't say "I love you too" and how she was mad, but now understands why I couldn't. Just another side effect I guess.

Hope things get better for you,
Jon
 
gs, I think we have all felt this one, I dread Christmas, but everyone wants me to join in, so I do, for their sakes, not mine.

I am pretty good company for them, and I enjoy talking with them, but always need to get away as soon as I can.

I remember when I was first old enough to drink, I could not do it, but was forced into it, the reason I didn't want to do it, was because I did not think I could keep control, so I never let the drink control me.

This leads to drinking and not being really in the spirit, while you see your friends having such a good time, and wonder what it is like to just drink and let go for once, or smile and really mean it.

SA, sure does hit into many life skills, and we tend to mask them to survive among peers, but I dont do so bad right now.

To anyone facing it raw, then I can say, it will get better, but dont expect miracles, this place can really help you,

ste
 
I can easliy identify with almost everything you guys said word for word.
The one part that really got my attention and sent a shiver down my spine was the following:


Originally posted by Lloydy:
[QB] I think that a lot of this problem, and it's one that has affected me in the past, is we somehow believe that we go everywhere with a big label across our forehead saying "I'm a pervert because I had sex when I was a kid"


20 years of that has been full of hurt for me.
Click to expand...
 
gs,

I stayed alone most of my life, believing that people would find out that I was gay. While I was not!

Somehow the years I was acting out after my abuse, I labeled myself as gay. And could rub off the label till late.

It was much later I realized it was those men who were gay, not me. My response was as normal as a childs response to first sexual contact.

Later, I thought of every man as gay, including myself. I became suspicious of their every gesture including mine. It is gradual process of unlearning that engendered lie.

I saw every male contact as potentially sexual, so I feared and avoided it. While I wanted to connect with my own kind.

Got really nervous around good looking men, especially who were loving towards me. It further triggered off my acting out.

So now I am learning to relax in male company. Including myself.

The truth is I was homophobic towards my self. All I needed was to accept that 'confused' part of me and heal it.

Thank you for helping me get my own clarity.

AJ
 
As for marriage, I am 33 and no marriage in sight. So naturally each time relatives come over, they bore me with their There is time for everything stuff.

To most I think the abuse story is too personal to share. So I just say, Please dont bore me. Or I have sorry to disappoint you, but no marriage in sight. So they back off and chill.

But it does put me on the defensive. So I need to chill myself and take it in my stride. As it is all coming from a good heart.
 
I can understand some what you are saying. It seems that society dictates that we are to not be alone, while some people I think would be much more comfortable that way. So that makes there be pressure, that we must be 'two by two', like we are going aboard the ark. I probably would have tried to sneak on there by myself, hoping to lure some other species away from their partner.

I am somehow in year two of my first, only 'real' relationship (I had one other girlfriend in my life, for less then three months, and I think we held hands a few times and hugged once or twice). How this has happened, I don't know. I just one day looked at this great friend I had known for years, and seen something else in her.

I think as you deal with things more, you will start to regain some confidence in yourself, and feel yourself more worthy of the good things. And that does come across to others, and adds to the interest factor.

As for others who are constantly asking about your private life, I think the joke you make is rather appropriate. It is a polite and humorous way to tell them it's none of their business. My girlfriend is always being asked by her mother when she will finally settle down with a rich lawyer or doctor (I am neither). She smiles and says, 'Well mom, between you and G (her sister), I don't know if there's any left' (her mother has been married three times now, and her sister also three). Makes the point and pokes it back a little. Have to love it! ;)

leosha
 
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