I feel bad for feeling so bad

I feel bad for feeling so bad
H

Hyphy

New Registrant
This is my first post here and I'm going crazy right now so I'm going to try to make this as short and simple as possible.

When I was 14 I was nearly raped by my brother in my sleep. Thinking about it now still makes me cringe. There were a few other incidents with him over the years, but none like that. I know this may sound stupid, but I'm an extremely deep sleeper and I fear he might've done things to me in my sleep. It's been a terrifying experience for me and now that I'm 20 I'm starting to realize it has lead to some fucked up sexual issues for me the past few years.

Anyways, afer coming to this site I'm starting to feel bad because some of you experienced an actual rape or rapes over the course of time whereas I just had a few isolated experiences. They've always been on my mind and I have to deal with it everyday since I live with him and see him virtually everyday.

I'm moving out in two weeks with my girlfriend but I'm scared. Scared to leave home and scared that I'll fuck up since I've never done anything right in my life. I'm starting to really have some sexual issues. Shortly after the attempted rape I started masturbating while thinking about gay sex, even though I never was and still not attracted to guys. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some type of homophobe who fears being gay, in fact as a lifelong Californian I pride myself on being a very open minded individual. Anyway about three weeks ago I arranged to meet a guy for sex. We made out, but I came early, and when I did, I made a beeline straight outta there. I've been feeling insanely guilty and depressed over this. I've been entertaining thoughts of suicide and crying constantly. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
 
Hey,

first of all, don't feel guilty, quit the guilt syndrome. It was never your fault.

How many times do you hear the word "guilt" in this forum? The guilt is for the one's who perpetrate these acts, not you, but not being able to get on the perpetrator makes us feel so guilty.

Guilt, means just that, where you guilty? NO.

The effect can be devastating to a young mind, I have been there, and so have we all in here, acting out is just a part of the shit in your mind.

It really is hard for an abused mind to get over these things, we think we are shit, we think we are worthless, we think so many other thoughts, it all adds up to screwing your mind.

You have a girlfriend, I hope she is supportive, but you need to try and stop the acting out, and I know how it comes about, but don't go down that road, it can be so much more destructive.

Suicide? Don't think about it, I've been there, but luckily, the thought of hurting those I love stopped me, there was no other reason.

Make the break, and see how things work out, see a therapist if you can. It never is easy working through this crap, but always remember.

It was never your fault

take care

ste
 
Hyphy
I guess I'll use the old expression they have around here: Welcome. I'm sorry you have to be with us, but I'm glad you found us.

Please don't feel any reservations about how severe the abuse you suffered was. Unfortunately, you're over the bar and you qualify for this place. The things that separate the guys here are much less significant than the things that bring them together.

I am sure you'll get lots of good advice here. The only thing I'd suggest is taking a look at Mike Lew's book "Victims No More." It's a great place to begin understanding this shit. And, if you can swing it, get in touch with a therapist who can help you make sense of this stuff too.

I can tell you from my experience and what others have said here that you're experience with this other guy is not unusual for straight guys who had some trauma and sexual abuse in their past. And what you described sounds like a trauma to me. There are ways of handling this. So please don't be too down. Everything is managable and will get easier in time. Take care of yourself and try to relax.

Dan
 
Hyphy

Let yourself cry as much as your body needs to. I always think that when I have a good belly laughter I never worry or question myself, I let the laughter take its course, it's the same with crying. I have cried buckets whilst dealing with the abuse.

I was told in early recovery from sexual abuse to try not to compare my abuse experience with the experiences of others. What matters is how what I have experienced affects me. And by the way, attempted rape is an act of sexual abuse just as potent as any other sexual abuse acts. The fact that "the act has not been completed" (sorry if this sounds horrible), can make things even worse.

Your acting out sexually with another guy could be your way of trying to reclaim the control you did not have when abused by your brother. This is just an idea, not a truth.

Take care
Heart
 
Welcome Hyphy

Sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did. You are in the right place.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
Click to expand...
YOUR HUMAN! Your human, you have feelings like every other human.

There is no degree at which it should or shouldn't bother you. You had something that does bother you and for good reason. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. These are normal feelings and you can work through them. Those incidents that you had will affect you, absolutely nothing to feel guilty over - It wasn't your fault!

Relationships are hard enough without having to carry the fear of intimacy, hangups about sex, and confusion of identity, amongst other affects. Work on it, be aware of what triggering your negative feeling/actions and always be honest - both with yourself and your girlfriend. A successful relationship is more than possible.

Get the help and support you want and need. It really does help.

Take care,
Bill
 
Hyphy
nobody around here, or anywhere in the Survivors world, keeps a 'League Table' of abuse. Just one incident can cause the same kind of problems as years of abuse.

I believe that much of the damage we experience is due to the the abuse of power, the betrayal of trust, the lies, and all the other things that make up the general picture of sexual abuse. The actual sex acts are only a part of what actually happened to us.
Of course they are the most prominent part, because the sex was physical, the rest was mental and emotional. And we deal with that in mysterious ways.
BUT - don't be put off, this is stuff we can get our heads around, maybe not easily, but we can. And the results can be striking, most Survivors reclaim their lives very successfuly.

Bill mentioned Mike Lew's terrific book, I can also recommend it. ( And if you go to the "Bookstore" link at the head of the page it will take you to Amazon and straight to the list of books for Survivors, buy it and we get a percentage )

Therapy is also good, if not essential. Try and find one that either deals solely with abuse Survivors, or at least has good experience with guys like us - we can be a bit difficult you know ;)
I tried to escape my abusers for 25 years in my mind, after the sex actually stopped, and I failed. I stayed alive and kept my marriage together - just! But I just went around in circles, it took therapy to break free.

Take care, and please come back to MS as often as you want, ask what you want as well.

Dave
 
Thanks for the support guys.

My girlfriend is very supportive, I've told her about these things.

Right now I just hate myself for the acting out incident. I mean, I already knew I was moving out and this is a huge step for me. I went and added another stress in my mind. One I can't stop thinking about now. Well, I graduated high school three years ago and when I was younger I figured I'd be going to college. Well, in my sophmore year of high school, not long after the attempted rape, I stopped giving a fuck about classes and grades and because of that I barely graduated high school. Lately I've been feeling terrible for screwing that up. I noticed that the rape incident added to my 'not-giving-a-fuck' attitude.

Right now I'm just so scared that I won't be able to find a job. I'm going to need money obviously. I haven't worked in over a year, but when I did I only missed one day in a whole year worth of work and I always worked my ass off.

I was thinking about therapy. How would I go about this? How much would it cost?

Thanks again.
 
Hey Hyphy,
There's a directory of therapists on this site up under the survivors button. If you don't find one near you, you may want to ask one of the therapists that's somewhat close to you if they know someone in your area, since they often will be aware of their colleagues.

As to fees, there's a range of what they charge so you'll have to get that directly from whoever you go to see. I think many therapists do offer a sliding scale of fees, however, for people who may be having financial troubles. It's something to ask a about.
 
Welcome here Hyphy.

First, the 'guilt' feelings. Well, everyone, including me, can tell you to not feel guilty of things, and it will not stop it. I still carry guilt of some things with me, and I have been at this site over a year, and in therapy about a year. It is much easier said then done. But I think going 'easy' on yourself, you can do. It is something you arranged, something you tried, and it was not to your liking. Put that away in a corner for right now. You can attend to it later.

Also, what you said of how you 'just' had some isolated incidents and such. As someone already said, there is not some competition here. It is wise to not compare yourself with others, because then you will get down on yourself, and start to minimize the abuse and it's affects. I have a hard time with that also, as I have a friend that I think went through so much more worse things then me, and I will then feel guilty about me being so confused and bothered by things.

I think you have received good advice in this thread. As for therapists, you may also want to check at any university in your area. Some of them which have therapy like programs will offer counseling services for less money. Just is another thing to look at. And, if there is a sexual abuse/rape center in your area, they maybe could help you find someone affordable. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
I leave on Monday. I'm so scared. And lately I can't stop thinking about my past and feeling depressed. I just want to win for once.
 
Hyphy,

Listen, first of all you've found the right place. Second, everything that you're going through is normal. You're not crazy, weird or [add another adjective here].

I can't explain it brother, but rape/sexual abuse to hetereosexual males is crazy. Well, it's all crazy, but I think that right now one of the biggest issues you have identity. Listen, the biggest thing your gonna question is your sexual identity. Don't worry about that. When a woman is raped/abused she calls herself a whore. When a hetereosexual male is raped/abused he calls himself gay.

The acting out that you did with that guy. Don't put too much on it. Acting out is just a way to cope with the abuse. It's a way to numb out, gain control, etc. Believe me, I was raped as an adult, yet I still had fantasies of hooking up with a guy after the rape and I didn't know why. Especially because I had no same sex fantasises before the rape. Now, I realize I had those and wanted to do things with a guy to cover up the pain. The pain that was ripping me up inside. I guess it's kind of saying to oneself, well, if I can experience pleasure with someone that the pain will go away.

By hooking up with the guy you've probably been revictimized, which brings a lot of emotions and issues to the surface. Don't run from them and don't try to turn to something like alcohol or drugs to numb out with your feelings.

You're lucky brother, you're a brave young guy who has his entire life in front of them. Confront everything now, so you don't have to confront it later, but remember to work at your own pace and don't listen to anyone that says, forget about it or just move on.

Last but not least, therapy, therapy, therapy and read, read, read and when you're done with therapy and reading go to more therapy and read some more. Both have helped me more than you can believe.

You're a good person. You've just had some bad shit happen to you as we all have. Sex is the greatest gift that we have in this world of allowing two people to share the feeling of love. For all of us here, that was ripped away. It can be reclaimed brother, but reclaim your life first and everything else will follow.

Wow, I guess I'll end this. I don't even know how much I've written, but you deserved it brother. Remember, it sucks that you've found us, but welcome to the treehouse. We are all here for you.

Fusion
 
Hey gang, just thought I'd drop in for a little update.

I've been here for a week and two days and my relationship with my girlfriend is wonderful and her family is really nice. But I am extremely depressed. I haven't found a job yet and lately I've been thinking a lot more about my past than I usually do. I can't help but think that the incidents with my brother ruined a part of me and a part of my life. Lately I've felt so much rage towards him I'm almost wishing I didn't move so I could kick his ass or something.

Today my girlfriend got her college degree in the mail and although I am happy for her it also made a part of me sad. I couldn't help but think that I should be getting a degree myself. I feel so stupid.

I want to stop making mistakes and stop feeling so bad about past mistakes but I just can't.

I know this is going to sound corny but I'd like some words of encouragement. I could really use it.
 
hypy,

welcome from me too, sorry you had to be here with us but you are in a good place.

you are not crazy, or something is not wrong with you.

we do things, we make choices, both good and bad- all part of our coping with the environment of which we exposed to and have to deal with.

as for the acting out, i have been there, choose not too now. it re-created abuse and degadation and feeling of being at the bottom. thankfully your g/f supports you. mine did not.

a good t is important, i have one now.

the best thing in the world you have and i envy as some others may, is that your 20 and dealing with it. i hid my shit for 31 years. lived a facade that "i was o.k.".

you do have so much ahead of you. it can be hard at times but man , i wish i would have dealt with my shit earlier.

it is what it is. we do things both good and bad. we get angry , pissed, depressed- but my goal is to take care of myself- and then i can be good for another instead of re-creating abuse or being in abusive, non-productive or non-healthy relationships.

your g/f sound nice and supportive. you are fortunate.

take one day at a time. if you get too depressed, while i hate to suggest meds, i got on an anti-depressant. without it- i would still have shitty days or weeks. now i only have shitty parts or even hours of days.

take care, come for support.

nothing is shocking or too minimal for us. your deal is not to be minimized as is all of ours. we were abused, our lives were/are changed from it. we gotta deal with it and be "well" long term.

peace, guy
 
Hyphy : Guy is right. Thank god you are dealing with it now.

And another thing. Way back you said that you were feeling bad because some of us experienced rape. Hyphy Hell has no degrees it is just plain hot. And another thing it was the worst thing that happened to you and never forget that ok.

Stick around and post and listen and help. We are all heading down the same road. Take baby steps and if you stumble we have broad shoulders to support you as you would for others.

And be gentle with yourself ok.
 
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