i feel awful *TRIGGER*
i am feeling awful, so be sure you are safe and strong before reading this
I revisited the first time I was molested through memory regression yesterday. At times, I was little Jeff, watching things as they happened, and at other points it was like watching it on TV. In horror, I relived lying in the grass with Mat, as he said he knew a game we could play. Then he relented and said he couldnt because it was a game for big-boys. I begged him, and promised not to tell. He warned little Jeff that he would get in trouble if anyone ever found out. Mat said we wouldnt be allowed to play together if I ever told anyone. He said he would get in a lot of trouble.
As adult Jeff watched, I was angry. I was angry with the little boy for being so stupid. I was angry with my parents for not having taught him any better. The attack was so transparent, if I hadnt been totally ignorant, I would have seen it. I try to remind myself of how small I was, but all I can feel is how stupid I was. I know all the things people will say about how it wasnt my fault, and how I was only a kid. I know all of that, but I still feel so f-ing stupid.
My wife threw fuel on that fire last night. No, she didnt know she was, but she did. I am barely functional at times. My memory really sucks. I faxed some important papers. I remember it as being a couple weeks ago, and she says it is last Thursday. She says I faxed my last pay stub, and I dont think I did. Heck, I dont even remember taking the damn check out of the envelope. How can I argue with her? How can I not feel even more of an idiot? I cant trust my own mind and body any more. When she kept correcting me, I felt unheard. I felt small. I felt like that little boy standing in front of my father as he called me stupid and lazy. As she told me how forgetful I am, I felt like all of that and more. I cant even focus to work today. I feel awful.
Naturally, that got me doubting everything and everyone. I feel less than human. I am not a man. I am something else. All I want to label myself is sick, a pervert, a monster, an idiot, a fool.
When I walked out of therapy yesterday, I was numb. I had just witnessed something awful. It was much more than just telling the facts. I was there all over again. I wish I could have thought more about Mat, but all I did was get pissed that I had been so stupid. Why do I do this to myself? Instead of thinking about how awful he was, I always turn it inward.
I wont even go into sex. I want all this horrible stuff. I feel sick for wanting it. I know it is the abuse, but it goes deeper than logic. I feel sick because even knowing the truth, I still want it. I want to be raped. It is what I deserve. I want to watch my wife f a real man, because I am not one, and because I deserve to be humiliated as someone else takes her. I fantasize, no, I want her to trade me to her unfulfilled friends like a sex toy. I want to be with an animal, because I feel like an animal. I certainly am not human.
With all these feelings stirred up, I try to remind myself that these are what I feel deep inside. I try to remind myself I need to go there and express them. What makes it so hard is that I feel like I keep going backward. Every time I think I have repaired my esteem, and am getting out, I tumble back into the pit. I feel like all I have learned about myself through recovery means nothing. I feel powerless, like I will never escape any of this. I feel life is pointless, and I am beyond redemption.
At first, after I went back and intervened, I felt good. I left the office numb and disjointed. It was almost like floating through my day, like I never came out of the trance. I felt strangely at peace, and then the blackness started moving in. By the time I snipped at my wife, I was a mess. I have barely slept. I will go home and say I am sorry. Once more, I will be week and spineless. I will be the little boy going to mommy. She deserves a husband, but got a confused little boy.
I could feel my fear as I stood in the bushes with Mat. I could feel the horror all over again as we undressed. Now that I know what true fear feels like, I feel it all over my life. I fear I will never be happy. I fear I will never be fulfilled by any relationship. I fear my marriage wont make it. I fear I chose my wife to be a mother instead of a spouse. I am just plain afraid. I cant even list all my fears they are so many. I dont want to work, I dont want to go home, I dont want to say Im sorry. I dont want to suffer another humiliation in the face of a lifetime of it. I dont want to be around people. I want to be alone. I want to wallow and cry. I want to feel sorry for myself. all relationships and family mean to me is feeling ashamed and stupid. when it all washes out, it isnt joy and love I feel, it is stupid and worthless I feel.
I revisited the first time I was molested through memory regression yesterday. At times, I was little Jeff, watching things as they happened, and at other points it was like watching it on TV. In horror, I relived lying in the grass with Mat, as he said he knew a game we could play. Then he relented and said he couldnt because it was a game for big-boys. I begged him, and promised not to tell. He warned little Jeff that he would get in trouble if anyone ever found out. Mat said we wouldnt be allowed to play together if I ever told anyone. He said he would get in a lot of trouble.
As adult Jeff watched, I was angry. I was angry with the little boy for being so stupid. I was angry with my parents for not having taught him any better. The attack was so transparent, if I hadnt been totally ignorant, I would have seen it. I try to remind myself of how small I was, but all I can feel is how stupid I was. I know all the things people will say about how it wasnt my fault, and how I was only a kid. I know all of that, but I still feel so f-ing stupid.
My wife threw fuel on that fire last night. No, she didnt know she was, but she did. I am barely functional at times. My memory really sucks. I faxed some important papers. I remember it as being a couple weeks ago, and she says it is last Thursday. She says I faxed my last pay stub, and I dont think I did. Heck, I dont even remember taking the damn check out of the envelope. How can I argue with her? How can I not feel even more of an idiot? I cant trust my own mind and body any more. When she kept correcting me, I felt unheard. I felt small. I felt like that little boy standing in front of my father as he called me stupid and lazy. As she told me how forgetful I am, I felt like all of that and more. I cant even focus to work today. I feel awful.
Naturally, that got me doubting everything and everyone. I feel less than human. I am not a man. I am something else. All I want to label myself is sick, a pervert, a monster, an idiot, a fool.
When I walked out of therapy yesterday, I was numb. I had just witnessed something awful. It was much more than just telling the facts. I was there all over again. I wish I could have thought more about Mat, but all I did was get pissed that I had been so stupid. Why do I do this to myself? Instead of thinking about how awful he was, I always turn it inward.
I wont even go into sex. I want all this horrible stuff. I feel sick for wanting it. I know it is the abuse, but it goes deeper than logic. I feel sick because even knowing the truth, I still want it. I want to be raped. It is what I deserve. I want to watch my wife f a real man, because I am not one, and because I deserve to be humiliated as someone else takes her. I fantasize, no, I want her to trade me to her unfulfilled friends like a sex toy. I want to be with an animal, because I feel like an animal. I certainly am not human.
With all these feelings stirred up, I try to remind myself that these are what I feel deep inside. I try to remind myself I need to go there and express them. What makes it so hard is that I feel like I keep going backward. Every time I think I have repaired my esteem, and am getting out, I tumble back into the pit. I feel like all I have learned about myself through recovery means nothing. I feel powerless, like I will never escape any of this. I feel life is pointless, and I am beyond redemption.
At first, after I went back and intervened, I felt good. I left the office numb and disjointed. It was almost like floating through my day, like I never came out of the trance. I felt strangely at peace, and then the blackness started moving in. By the time I snipped at my wife, I was a mess. I have barely slept. I will go home and say I am sorry. Once more, I will be week and spineless. I will be the little boy going to mommy. She deserves a husband, but got a confused little boy.
I could feel my fear as I stood in the bushes with Mat. I could feel the horror all over again as we undressed. Now that I know what true fear feels like, I feel it all over my life. I fear I will never be happy. I fear I will never be fulfilled by any relationship. I fear my marriage wont make it. I fear I chose my wife to be a mother instead of a spouse. I am just plain afraid. I cant even list all my fears they are so many. I dont want to work, I dont want to go home, I dont want to say Im sorry. I dont want to suffer another humiliation in the face of a lifetime of it. I dont want to be around people. I want to be alone. I want to wallow and cry. I want to feel sorry for myself. all relationships and family mean to me is feeling ashamed and stupid. when it all washes out, it isnt joy and love I feel, it is stupid and worthless I feel.
The blame lies solely on Mat, not yourself. Let those feelings out.