i feel at risk

[bec]

hello men:

i am putting this post here instead of the AT RISK area of the members board. i am feeling down. i have been coming to this site for months now and am a survivor of covert incest by my mother.

i have used pornography and food to sooth my pain for nearly my whole life. and i have a strong desire to go browse some porn.

i have been feeling real lonely and sleeping poorly. the only support i have in my life is i attended an overeaters anonymous meeting for the first time in years last week. and, i had a suicidal thought earlier today.

Lord, i started praying right away. i think i need to let go, surrender, hit bottom. i may have never hit bottom before. i really do not know.

but, i just turned 40 and my life is so empty it hurts a whole lot.

i have been asking my God for tears. i very seldom cry (once in the last 5 years). i may have learned this from my abusive/addict father. unable to cry, that is the way i remember him.

so men, it is good to share this with you all. please say a prayer for me and for all of us, that we heal and live the lives we so much deserve. sincerely,

bec

 

[Lloydy]

Bec
it's good to cry, it's a great feeling of being in touch with your emotions - feeling sad.

It's what we've been denied for so long, and it's ok to feel sad for what we've missed.

It's also ok to feel good about each time we resist looking at the porn, or whatever positive thing we do.
Just let yourself feel good about it, it's ok to do that.

Dave

 

[MrDon]

and if nothing else, it is good to reach out like you have by sharing these things... it is very healing and sometimes more than we realize...

you are in my thoughts as well...

Don

 

[Roy]

Oh bec honey, I went through that whole weird secret shameful covert sexual abuse with my mother, too. And my stomach turned inside out when I turned 40 a little over a year ago. I did not exactly need a mid-life crisis on top of everything else, thank you very much. And I've gained 50 pounds since I quit using drugs 15 months ago. And I feel lonely and empty much of the time, though that is slowly beginning to change. So I relate to some of what you're going through.

The good news is that you come here to talk about your stuff. The even better news is that you actually closed the refrigerator, put on your shoes, went outside the house, and got yourself to a 12 step meeting where you could be with other people, which is a key component to finding your way out of this whole mess. Just keep going. Make sure you share what you're going through. When we talk about all this nonsense, it sheds the light of day on our shame, drying the pus oozing from our infected psychic wounds.

Babysteps, baby. I know 40 is hard. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Now move on. Do you want to be having this same conversation at 50, which for some strange space-time-continuum reason will get here faster than it took to get to 40 from 30. You got things to do, places to go, and people to meet.

Take care, Roy.