I faced what I was afraid to ever admit... *trigger*

[survive75]

I had therapy tonight. I faced what I have been pushing away since the first flashback of it in November. What I have been working on, thinking about, what has been presenting itself over and over in dreams, flashbacks, and physical symptoms. We dealt with a major piece of the puzzle... fuck. I'm terrified to see it in writing, but here goes. My stepfather did make me take him in my mouth.

My therapist was really great. She had me close my eyes and get back to the place I was so afraid of. I was right there... how I saw things, how he came in the room, how scared I was. It was a very violent memory. After everything came out, and she had me open my eyes, I just shook for like 20 minutes. She said it was almost a shock reaction.

I never wanted this to be true, even though I "knew" it was. I need to thank everyone for supporting me here... telling me to trust what I knew to be true. I'm scared now that it's really out in the open with my therapist and now here. I don't know if I'll tell my girlfriend anytime soon. I'm still feeling a lot of fear and shame around the memory. I have another appointment on Tuesday. She wants to do some work on rescuing "5 year old Sean" from the memory, which didn't happen tonight because I snapped out of the memory really fast and then the shaking started.

Again, thanks to everyone here. I can't imagine going through this without all of you.

-Sean

 

[Tribear]

Sean,

I'm sorry for what he did to you, and what you had to go through to relieve yourself of the memory's constant pressure.

It was brave of you to post your account, and helpful to those like me, still dealing with the shame.

The shame belongs to your stepfather, for betraying and bullying you into playing a part in his despicable and traitorous act. He should have been your protector, but instead he was super sh***y at his job.

And, have you noticed how little 5 year olds are? They're very small and powerless compared to an adult man. What chance did you have against him? None.

I think advance thought is wise before you tell anyone. It's darn sure your right to decide when it's time.

Good work! Good work!

Ed

 

[crisispoint]

Sean,

I, too, am so very sorry for what that animal made you do. What the 5-year-old you went through was horrible, and it must have been so very terrifying for you to re-experience it now.

But there must be a part of you that feels liberated at facing this truth. No, it shouldn't have happened, and that this animal made a 5-year-old, who shouldn't know a damn thing about this, do such things is a crime against God. But he has lost his power over you, forever. You are free of him.

Right now, I'm facing yet another repressed memory of events, and I feel very vulnerable. God, reading your post, well, it brought it all back. Everything. But I had to face it because I know how hard you've been struggling, and I am so very proud of you for facing it with courage and dignity.

Ed's right. This is not your fault and it's not your crime. This man made you erpform these acts, and he should be ashamed. Not you, my brother, NEVER YOU!

I hope peace comes from your memories returning, and I hope, God, do I hope, you can move past it. You deserve this peace.

I love you, brother Sean, no strings.

Peace,

Scot

 

[RICK57]

Sean - anyone that can do something like that to a 5 year old does not deserve the title of 'stepfather'. Myself and the other friends you will find on this site could easily find more appropriate terminology - I presume you know those words yourself. Sean - a 5 year old would never understand the implications of what happened to you - the adult version of you can & no wonder you were shaking. Blame that *******, do not blame yourself.

Best wishes - Rik

 

[RICK57]

Sean - I've now read your 'Survivor Story'.

I'm pleased that you have found the words to describe that ********. Now that you know what the situation was and you are facing it - you'll probably feel like hell at the moment. Try and use this as a point where life becomes about you. It won't be easy, good days / bad days but take strength from all of us here. The future is out there - live it!

All my support ...Rik