I don't want to be me

I don't want to be me
J

jimrh

Registrant
I know some/many of you will think that I'm just whining.

I don't have anyone to talk to right now, so I'm going to write/post here.

I think I'm sinking very fast.

All I can do is give. I don't mind it at all, and actually I'll do it all over again.

Isn't there a God?

Couldn't I just snuggle up to someone and just feel safe, warm, wanted, desired?

Nice guys don't win. They just are noticed as 'nice guys'.

I'm oftentimes called a 'nice guy'.

I think it's from the giving.

I think I'm going back down to the well. It's cold down there. But at least I won't get rejection.


Jimmer :(
 
jim - take heart and be strong to who you are -
you are good and that is a beautiful thing-
take joy in that and that there are islands of good out there -
sadly it seems that most people are playing at games/fantasies and their limitation makes them unable to see the moments when they are taking too much -
stay good jim - be strong and look for good in others -
stay clear of sadists and even those you suspect are sadists-

you are most likely right -
don't give to them - you do not have to-

mgtb
 
From one nice guy to another: I know it seems we always lose, but I have faith that my victory is just around the corner. I also yearn to hold someone in the night, someone to listen to my secrets and trust me enough to tell their own. I believe my empty arms are empty because I have more healing to do before I am prepared to share my life with another.
I have faith their is a God, why would we exist if not for Him. Evolutionists, I respect your opinion, and I don't need to be told mine is crap!
Casey
 
Hi Jim,

My concern for you is that you seem to have dug your heels in so deeply with regard to really negative beliefs about yourself. I really hope that you will challenge these beliefs.

Mike Church did a post earlier today called ISSUE, which discussed self-image. Lots of good stuff was said there (just mentioning it in case you missed that thread).

All the best, bro',

Howard
 
whatever jim have a nice life
 
Hello my dear friend,

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now but please don't give up. We all must keep fighting on this battlefield and soon we will find victories.

At the beginning of your post you said that you thought that we might think you are just whinning. Well I can't vouge for all the persons hear on this board but I for one do not. I think you are strong and looking for support through a very difficult time. You are fine, please don't believe you are not worth while enough to have help. Believe me, everyone needs a little help and perhaps an ear to listen. To me all this post proves is that you are encredably strong.

As far as not having anyone to talk to, well you are wrong. There are many people hear that are more than willing to give that ear that you are seeking, myself being one of them. If you ever want to talk please feel free to pm me anytime you need, I would love to talk with you and get to know you.

Yes there is deffinitly a God, he is all around us. He is in the air flowing softly with the breeze. He is the water beeds in the spring time that blooms the purple flowers. He is the sound of the rain and the glorious colors of each sunset. Just look around you, he is everywhere. God loves you and will never leave your side, embrace him because he is your best friend.

To give is not a bad thing, in fact it is very good and I am glad to hear that you do so. But to give to the point where you are shorting yourself from what you deserve is bad. You should never alow people to take advantage of you and use you. You are much better than that. There was a long time where I would put myself aside and just concentrate on trying to help others. But you see, I forgot about myself and alowed myself to slip into a deep dark depression that I am still trying to get out of which in turn made it so I could not do any good for the others that I was trying to help. I know what it's like to just give and give but recieve nothing in return it is a horable feeling. I know that people are supposed to give without expecting something back but to not even recieve a thank you or at least something can hurt you deeply. Hang in there my friend and keep doing the best you can you will find that many miracles will come your way.

I do not belive that the saying nice guys finish last is true nor do I believe that being nice will bring you down. There are so many people out there that will not think twice about using you to get what they want but there are also many more people that want to love and spread that love. Keep looking for those people they are there you just have to find them. Don't give up, drop the people in your life that just wan't to use you and go out and find the ones that won't. I know it is hard but if you keep trying I know you will find what you are looking for.

I hope this helps and like I said above if you ever need to talk just pm me anytime. I wish you the best. Your friend malidin.
 
Jim,

You have no choice, regardless what you think. It is impossible for you to be someone else.

The time you spend wanting to be someone or something else would be better spent learning to appreciate who and what you are.

How can anyone else be attracted to you or want you or love you when you dislike yourself to the point of wishing to be another.

No one here can fix you. No one here can change you. It doesn't matter how much we want to help. You will not allow it unless you listen and believe.

I DO want you to be you. But it doesn't matter what I want.

Leosha
 
I just wanted to say thank you to all of the comments/responses to my post.

The trigger for me yesterday was a comment that a friend made (innocently) that validated some negative self-image issues that I have.

Markgreyblue, I didn't mean to come across as invalidating your comments, I'm sorry if I did. Please forgive me.

Howard, thank you for mentioning the post that MikeChurch made about self-image. It was interesting to read but I don't know that I really understand it.

Casey and Maldin, thanks for the positive words.

Leosha, I know what you are saying. It's just that when I get down like last night, I revert back to my survival mode and I begin to desire to exit my body and become another. I can not explain it exactly except that I've done that since I was a little boy.

Jimmer
 
thanks jim i appreciate that - i really do -
i hope you are doing better today -

take care of yourself hopefully see you in chat soon-

mark
 
Jim

Hey, a lot of us went through these feelings, like you, from boyhood, I always wanted to be someone else, someone "normal". I remember constantly gazing in the mirror, and thinking, who am I?
There were other times, when I would stand nude in front of the mirror, and think, why do men like me? I was so skinny, and I hated my body, but I would stare for hours, just wondering.

Hope you can get over it, try to think more positive things, and get to like, YOU, you are a lot better than you give yourself credit for, but if you've lived a life of self hatred and disgust, then it must be so hard to compliments so easy, because your programmed to see it in a negative sense. Try to switch it the other way and take care

ste
 
Jim,

NEVER doubt the man you are, You are a good person who has had to deal with a lot of crap that wasn't of your own making.

Sure, it's whining, but we all have to. Whining is a response to hurt. Why do we think nothing negative when we say an animal whines, but have such a negative thought when people whine.

We whine because we're hurting. Whether it's a substantial hurt or merely trivial is in the eye of the beholder.

Sure, we give because we have the compassion others lack, but I think lately that the greatest gift we can give others is taking care of OURSELVES. How can we be there for others when we're suffering ourselves? You ARE a good person, my friend, and I want to see you around here for a long time. You cannot burn out giving to people when you have NOTHING in the tank for yourself. This I speak from experience.

YOU are worth that compassion. Maybe you don't believe it yet, but you ARE, and I want you to take that break, get whatever you need to out of your system, because I VALUE you. Damn it, I value you.

You are good. The scumbags who hurt us for their own amusement, THEY'RE trash. Never forget that, Jim.

If you need me, I'm here, and feel free to PM me.

I love you, my good brother.

Scot
 
Jim - you are a good man - listen to reality2k4
and crisis
i am really struggling with this too -
take care of yourself -
m
 
Jimmer
It doesn't take much to knock us back, one innocent comment from someone is all it takes.
But I think we learn as we heal to recognise the trigger as it happens, instead of after the downer. Or at least sooner.

I try to pick apart these episodes when I've come out of them and see what the trigger was, recognise my instant reaction and the resulting behaviour.
It's easier through therapy, but writing it down step by step is the method I use now. Just a simple list starting with the perceived trigger and moving on works for me. Then I print it and compare it to the next time it happens.
Brutal honesty is called for though, so I keep my lists in my special locked draw :rolleyes:

Dave
 
I watched a movie tonight, called "The Trip".

To make a long story short, it's basically a "Thelma & Louise" story but with a gay theme.

See, people are blessed with opportunities, chances. Sometimes they take the chance.

Other times, they may try to take a chance, but the cards just aren't on their side. Chance rejects.

No matter how much of a poker face you may try to put on, if you have a bad hand, you ain't gonna win.

Dave, I read with interest your post about recognizing the trigger. I though alot about that yesterday and today. The trigger happened again today in a conversation with a friend.

In a bizarre way perhaps, I find the trigger for me is any discussion about intimacy between two men.

When I hear about the wonderful time or how in love two men are, I just start to implode. Because I guess I've just never been good enough in any way for it.

I trigger when I see a father hug his son, congratulating him for doing well at a baseball game.

I trigger when I hear about a 22 yr old and a 34 year old in love for the last few years...or basically any combination.

I'm 44 and I feel like I've lost 44 years to nothing. Of course I have 3 beautiful daughters. For them I give everything. Key....I give.

Where does this end?

Jimmer


:o
 
Jim

Where does this end?
Click to expand...
Hopefully, with control over your downers.

It starts with recognizing the triggers ;)

Dave
 
Jim,
To make a long story short, it's basically a "Thelma & Louise" story but with a gay theme.
Click to expand...
I can't comment on the movie. I never saw "Thelma and Louise." That's a movie for grownups, anyway. If you followed the "Greatest Movies" thread you've seen how ignorant I am of cinema.
See, people are blessed with opportunities, chances. Sometimes they take the chance.

Other times, they may try to take a chance, but the cards just aren't on their side. Chance rejects.

No matter how much of a poker face you may try to put on, if you have a bad hand, you ain't gonna win.
Click to expand...
Jim, this isn't the time for metaphors. Life is not a game of poker. Your role in your own life is not static. You don't draw a hand and play it. You make choices all the time, every day, and so do the people around you. You live your life in that ever-changing environment.
I trigger when I see a father hug his son, congratulating him for doing well at a baseball game.
Click to expand...
OK. So you know something about your triggers, about the repurcussions of some very bad decisions that you did not make. Some abuser(s) made those decisions, and like the rest of us here, like many more who need to be here, you are living with consequences from those decisions.

But you made a choice at some point to reflect on what triggers you. You put your mind to work on recognizing the pattern. You deliberated.

Congratulations. It might seem small, but it's a positive step, at least it would be for me. You faced the unpleasant reality (triggers) and learned something true about it. Maybe an approximation of the truth. There may be more to learn.

Now you have some more choices. Continue to explore, refine that truth. Or not.

Work to counteract the trigger that you know, to neutralize its hold on your mind. Or not.

I'm sure you can identify others.
I'm 44 and I feel like I've lost 44 years to nothing.
Click to expand...
They're not lost. You did spend them. I've spent my 44 years. A lot of mine went to things that I wouldn't choose now. But it took me that long, all those experiences, to get to the point where I can look at the truth of what happened to me and deliberate.
Of course I have 3 beautiful daughters. For them I give everything. Key....I give.
Click to expand...
Do you not enjoy giving to/for them? Is there something more pleasant than seeing them happy because of something you did or said? Is there a way to feel better than when you comfort them in their trouble?
Where does this end?
Click to expand...
How you approach life is up to you. If you do not want to "play a hand" then you can deliberately choose a different way.

Socrates was fond of saying that "the unexamined life is not worth living." You're examining your life when you find the patterns in the triggers. To my knowledge, no one ever said that examination alone would make life worth more. What you do with the new knowledge is up to you.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Jimmer,
Looks like whatever you had 'also passed'. You know, two days ago while I was taking shower I started crying. I was thinking about my father's Funeral in rural Soth-East Asia. By the way my fatehr was not my perp. My teacher was. Anyway we invited about a thousand people. Five thousand showed up. They did not want to be served anything, just wanted to see him for the last time and to cry together with the kinfolks.
This is the guy and his family, I protected for over 30 years, and Jimmer I did a good job on it. Wander sometimes what would have happened if the Secret somehow came out. Would he have gotten a different funeral...what about the rest of the family....
I have stopped feeling ashamed of my situation, however I did not stop feeling other feelings. It is my opinion that my Ego has a lot to do with the way I handled feelings in the past. Whenever my ego faced a feeling it wanted to do something to that in order to maintain its hold. It only knew only two way of handling it, one was to suppress it and the other is to act it out. Because I would supress for as long as I can, when I do act out it is really messy. Anyway the whole thing blunted my emotional growth . Never could sit back and watch impartially the feeling to grow, live and go away. Yow know, it is a new territory for me now. Most of the time I keep stumbling, but I have enough honesty and a newfound tolerance for me to have the courage to see it through.
Hope you are doing even better tomorrow.
-honest_lion
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top