i don't understand myself

i don't understand myself
kuurt

kuurt

Registrant
inside i feel very very sad and alone. i want someone to help me but i CANNOT ask for help or accept help. i don't understand why i want attention but when anyone shows any concern i just tell them ,"nothing is wrong, i am fine...i am just tired," or something like that. i cant ask for help. i can't accept help or concern...yet that is all i really want. this makes no sense. i think i am embarressed. i feel like my problems aren't good enough for anyone to care about or maybe they are too big for anyone to understand. does anyone know where i am coming from?
 
i know kuurt. shadow
 
Kurt,

I think most of the guys here know exactly where you are coming from. Right now your head is full of fear, confusion and a lot of bad ideas about yourself. This is the way most of us, and perhaps all of us, start out. We simply don't realize that all these bad feelings are wrong.

One of the worst parts is that an abused boy's ability to trust has been wrecked. He no longer trusts others (why should he?), and in fact he no longer trusts or believes in himself. So what can the way forward be?

What happens for us adults, Kurt, is that things get so bad we HAVE to take the risk and seek help. Our entire lives seem to be falling apart and we realize we have no choice.

The great thing in your case is that you are still young. You have a chance to face these things and deal with them in a way that was not open to us. For us, that's a great thing to see.

So what do you have to do? You have to take a few risks. There just isn't any other way. We can talk to you and encourage you and try to get you to see that the risks are worth taking, but in the end it's down to you.

I hope you will stick with us and let us continue to encourage you in this direction. As I said in reply to an earlier post of yours today, you have already made a LOT more progress than you know.

Bear in mind that you have taken all these steps yourself. With encouragement, sure. But you are the one who did it. The same teenager who has come this far can continue in exactly the same way. What seems terrifying today will not seem so impossible a bit further on.

Much love,
Larry
 
Kuurt,

Sometimes I dont understand myself. I worry about the way I think and act.

You know what? When I interact with those around me they think I'm OK!!

The kids in the school where I teach think I am cool, the staff think I am a good teacher, my friends think I am one of the strongest men (mentally) on the planet.

Why then do I still think I am weird??

I bet there are a few folk around you who think your OK too.

One guy who was my dealer became my closest friend. Why? Because he was abused too. We shared the same secret.

You find strong friends in the weirdest places, just because you've been wounded dont give up. There are solid people out there waiting for you to find them.

:rolleyes:edited coz I cant spel! :mad: AND IM A TEACHER!!!
 
Kurt, you are reaching out for help which is a good thing.
Talking and even ranting is a good source of letting a little bit go.

Try and find something that can keep your mind occupied and focused.
I know it can feel desperately hard sometimes, but you have friends here you can talk to.

Anytime!

ste
 
Kurt,

I'd just like to agree to what Larry said and perhaps add just a little.

Larry talked about being willing to take a risk and reach out. I think the thing we as survivors have to come to grips with before we take that step is the fact that we are worth the risk. We deserve better than what's been handed us. The only way to get that is to step out and ask for it.

So the problem comes in finding a safe way to do that. You've found this place where we can support you, cheer you on, and help you find that way.

Safe hugs,

John
 
Kuurt, I know exactly what you are talking about.

My mother just recently told me she felt like I was so strong that I did not need help and the fact is I was begging for it but had no clue.

Psychology has a chart that shows the medical names for all of this but most people that appear to not need are the most needy.

I have no clue why to this day I hate to ask for help, I think it has something to do with control, needing help makes me feel like I am not in control and another thing is I feel like they will want something in return and that has everything to do with SA.
 
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