I don't think I deserve to be loved

My realization is that I don't think I deserve to be loved. I was never loved I was used at a young age I was conditioned to believe the only thing that got me what I thought was love was letting myself be used for someone else's pleasure, I grew into the mindset that I was only good for f**king not loving.

I have never known love, any relationship was about me making sure the other person needs got met and I got used in many ways not just sexually. I don't trust people or feel safe around them easily, how would I ever let anyone in and let alone into the mess that is the aftermath of my abuse.

I am in my late 50's, I don't have the drapings of youth to offer up for someone to want me, so in my abused mind, I have nothing anyone would want. I was so much better about all this and now here I am again broken and a mess.

There are no magic words to fix it until I unravel the web of lies I believe about myself.
 
I'm so sorry you feel that way F.A. I strongly believe each of us deserves love so I dearly hope you unravel that web of lies. It sounds like a tremendous realization for you, so bravo.
 

EQCR

Registrant
I hear you.
I have spent so many years wishing and dreaming about having somebody who would love me, despite not being able to love myself, that now, when I am just starting to be okay with myself, I feel old and ugly and unlovable. I just want to go back and start over with what I have now, but it doesn't work that way.
 
I agree with @Strangeways . I mentioned in another post, the movie "The Shack" where the lead character feels the same way as you, @K.A. - he also was a physical abuse survivor. The main line in the movie was being communicated to him: "You were created to be loved."

I also felt like you. not any more.
 
I hear you.
I have spent so many years wishing and dreaming about having somebody who would love me, despite not being able to love myself, that now, when I am just starting to be okay with myself, I feel old and ugly and unlovable. I just want to go back and start over with what I have now, but it doesn't work that way.
You get me
 
Hi FA

It is difficult to find love. I would love to have someone I could have to hold. Not found it yet, someone who I am not afraid to tell my darkest secrets to. Sorry you are struggling with this

Take Care
Esterio
 
Hi FA

It is difficult to find love. I would love to have someone I could have to hold. Not found it yet, someone who I am not afraid to tell my darkest secrets to. Sorry you are struggling with this

Take Care
Esterio
Finding someone you can disclose to without having to explain all their why questions. Not really what I'm up for anymore.
 
Hi FA

Well love needs no secrets or it doesn't work. That is what my wife told me as she was trying to understand why I went like I did. You are right she didn't understand and kept questioning and that drove me away because I could not be truthful and tell her about what was going on. I told her enough I thought but she knew there was more. I couldn't face it so how could I tell her. I told her that I had been sexually abused as a child. After several nights waking the whole house in full on panic attacks. They call them Night terrors. If I could have told her maybe we would have still been together.

Take Care
Esterio
 
Love from others, and even a special someone, is important. But the kind of love that really, really matters in the long run is the love you have for yourself.

Hating or even feeling indifferent to yourself makes your soul sick. You can't really do anything that matters. Nothing will really feel good, no matter what it is.

Abuse destroys self-love. It's very difficult to love yourself after going through trauma. It can be very hard work. But I promise it is worth it.
 
I have finally - just over the past 2 years been able to look in the mirror and like what I see. (after a 30 yar Healing Journey - over 50 years since my initial abuse) - so... it takes time... give yourself the time to heal and don't be so hard on yourself. things do get better.
 
You would think that having four women agree to marry me would reassure me that I'm lovable, but it clearly didn't work since all four marriages ended in divorce. I thought they were wise to get away from me because I was so worthless.

It has been a very long, hard journey, learning first to tolerate myself, then to contemplate the possibility I might be worth a bit of care, then finally beginning to treat myself with a bit more kindness. As mentioned above, the love we need really has to begin with loving ourselves. I know this can be difficult because it is so easy to do self-destructive things as we cope with feelings that seem too much to feel. But it is possible. We need to find kindred spirits, like the folks who come to this website, who know what pain there is in living with a history of sexual abuse. You found your way here and shared some of your pain. I'm certainly not alone in wishing you well as you find your way to a more compassionate relationship with yourself. :)
 

JamesM

Registrant
I hope you will find someone who you can grow close to and love. I found it scary, but persisted and 15 months ago I felt a need to be with someone. I looked around on dating sites with some success. I did not know what I wanted and saw someone several times. She was accepting of my childhood abuse, but we were not really compatible.

Last spring someone contacted me and we met a few times. I was not particularly attracted to her, but I could tell she was attracted to me. Over the intervening months we have become closer than I have been to anyone. One of the most difficult things for me was accepting her love and although it was returned, I had accompanying sad feelings.

As a child I felt all I was good for was to pleasure other males and I find trust difficult. My father expected me to look out for my ill mother and my sister and at night he abused me, after making me choose either my sister or myself. I always wanted to be loved and looked for it as a child, but got abuse in return. I stopped wanting to be loved and isolated myself emotionally and socially. In my first relationship I was primarily concerned that her sexual needs were met, but I can see this was connected to my father's abuse.

My partner is aware of my abuse, in as much detail as is necessary for her to understand me. Because most of my abuse was performed during sexual abuse I have difficulties during sex. I am getting a lot of pleasure from sexual intercourse now, but up until recently I was having intense flashbacks of my abuse at the same time. I learned to stay with the flashbacks and talk with her as soon as I was able. She is not troubled by my expressing strong negative emotions and wants to help me.

I was surprised she finds me attractive, since I usually do not feel attractive, rather I used to feel almost nothing. This relationship was scary at times, but she is supportive and finds me equally supportive. That is how I was required to be as a child and perhaps I am like that naturally. It is me who decided I was unattractive and unworthy, but with help I am gradually changing that. She thinks of me more than others and that makes me happy but sometimes incredibly upset at the same time because it makes me think about what I missed.
 
James, that is wonderful that you found someone who really cares for you and wants to see you recover. Know that you are not only worthy to be loved, but you were CREATED to be loved. to receive love in healthy, non-absusive ways. (one of the 1st steps is loving yourself)
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Everyone, including you, deserves to be loved. Sometime we cannot see love because we do not love ourselves or we are living in an environment that is hostile and uncaring. You can change your environment and it takes time and healing to learn to love yourself. Affirm your love for yourself each day and surround yourself with people who support and see the wonderful qualities in you.
 
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