i dont remember

[midnight51]

what if you were so young, that you don't even remember exactly what happened... you just remember that you ran away and had bad stomach cramps.. and made your mother sit on a couch where you could see her from your bed.. and had to be taken to the ER in the middle of the night sometimes because you couldn't breathe.. you were afraid of your stepdad after that i guess (not sure why) and he started to hit you... yeah it was a faded wooden barbeque brush... what if you were so young that you had no idea what the fuck was going on... you started beating the fuck out of the neighbors cat with a stick until it ran away from home and showing the bruise on the upper portion of your bottom to the neighbor... what if you could hear the screaming and yelling from the other neighbor through the wall yelling at her two girls... and you remember jumping up and down on the bed naked with a hardon while one of them was over... she says: "my cousin lets me touch it"... yeah i remember some things... like all of the yelling my mom and stepdad did.. i remember him flipping over the little table in front of the couch and breaking it in an arguement.. i remember him gambling all of the familys money away on a vacation and seeing my mom cry into the mirror.. i remember playing an arcade game on the boardwalk and cussing up a storm at it with every word in the book because i was loosing and my mom was standing behind me listening and she said "where did you learn those words" WELL WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU THINK I LEARNED THEM FROM? ... yeah i remember stealing cigarettes from them and smoking in the closet.. haha, me and the neighbor kid smoked in the bathroom and my mom smelled it and caught me but i never told on him... i was a loyal friend.. at least i think i was. but who knows? because i can't fucking remember much of anything... i can't remember and bits and pieces that i do remember I DONT WANNA REMEMBER but i have no idea exactly everything that was said and done and that happened and i can't put everything together because i was a little fucking kid and had no fucking idea what was going on probably... but i ran, what does that say? i couldnt stand up for myself obviously... my dad wasnt around or he didnt notice.. i remember being taken to the psychologist one time.. i remember being there once.. being asked to draw a picture, dont remember much about it, but i remember. i remember i hated the 2nd grade... i used to talk outloud to myself with my mouth closed (i think maybe i thought no one could hear me?) who knows... i know 2nd grade was bad though... i got into it with my teacher bigtime and had conduct reports and such... its funny, my cousin's parents called down to the school and demanded that their sons not get the same teacher i had the previous year.. haha. oh well. i dont even know what this all means.. i've had a few beers and i just have all this shit inside.. some shit i dont even recognize... its just a bunch of STUFF and i wish it would just leak out in the middle of the night and i'd be free.. oh well.. i'm done

 

[theo]

midnight51,
what if we could remember? i beat my brain so many times when this first stsrted to come back to me a year ago. up to that point i never gave the blanks much thought. if nothing else i thought it was normal that kids did not recall their childhood. when i started trying to put together some kind of timeline after the memories started coming back i realized for the first time how much of a black hole there was in my early life. that got me so angry! not only did the abusers try to steal my innocence, they also stole my childhood (its memories). i recall the snapshots of my childhood i carried for so long, the good , the bad, etc, and thought it was normal to have such gaps, no, make that chasms of lost childhood. for me, my history did not really start until i was about 11-12 when the direct abuse stopped and i could have a fairly chronological history. i guess this is what makes more mad in many ways then perhaps even the abuse itself, maybe. they stole the life (memories and history) of an innocent child. (theo steps off his soapbox, shaking head and mumbling quietly). take care, midnight51.

 

[crisispoint]

There are so many things I remember. Mostly, wanting my dad's approval, willing to settle for the affection of someone who is PAID and TRAINED to care, only to be betrayed by that man.

We all remember the anger, the rejection. That's what led us down the path of being abused. Some of us were abused by the very people who brought us into the world. Still others were abused by people who were supposed to protect us. All of it hurts. All of it led to the anger and pain that we had no name for until we COULD remember the worst of it. All of it was not wanted.

But there is something that comes with remembering, even with all the pain, shame, humiliation, and confusion that comes with it. The fact that now we have the choices that were taken away from us. We have the chance to tell the ones who hurt us to **** off and we will get better in SPITE of what you did. We will become the people we SHOULD have become. We will be better than the abusers could ever HOPE to be.

I hope this helps you. I tell myself this every day.

Peace and love,

Scot