I don't remember anything - what's happening?

[MM]

Something really wrong is happening with me. Ive sent a pm yesterday where I said my gf had died . I dont remember anything about it, why, when and how I did it. Im terrified with that message; I dont know how to explain it. I really dont have any idea how that message was sent and its content, I cant even think about it, makes my heart aches.

After lunch, she and I went to sleep and it was very good, it was the first time in many weeks I didnt have any nightmares. When I woke up, Ive logon on MS Board and Mike had sent me a message telling me how sorry he was about her death, along with my original message to him. I DONT REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT IT, I was sleeping that time, and I cant imagine why Id write such thing.

Whats happening to me? Am I going crazy? First I hit her during the night and now this? Could be the pill Im taking (Paxil)? She told me its a light one and theres no such side effect. Im not taking them anymore. She thinks I had a nightmare and dreamed about her dying and sent that message while I was asleep and now I dont remember it, but I dont know if thats possible I always remember my nightmares, and they are always related to my parents, I never dreamed with her before. This is so strange; Im afraid Im losing my mind, doing those terrible things that I dont remember at all. I dont remember anything about it, why would I write that shit?

Any of you went through something like this? Im talking to my T today, but I dont know what to say to him, I cant imagine what the hell is going on with me. We are living together now, what if I hurt her really badly when shes sleeping? I dont want to lose her, and Id rather be dead than without her. Why is that happening to me? I dont think its going to be safe to her to stay with me in our house alone. I havent slept this night at all, Im really afraid of what I can do with/to her.

Mike, Im sorry you were involved on this, I feel so embarrassed, please forgive me. I know you must have been shocked with that message; the last thing I wanted was to bring more pain to your life. Im really sorry about that.

 

[boulder]

the first thing i thought when i read your post was this guy has multiple personalities. but after some rereading of your old posts i dont think thats the case anymore i really believe that deep inside thats something you wish maybe she reminds your mom and thats the reason you have the nightmares when youre together. thats not wrong with that as long as you dont actually do it. you know from your posts it seems you have a very dependent relationship with her and once your mom was one of the perpetrators the fact your gf is so maternal to you doesnt help at all.
i think she can be right youd probably dreamt she was dead (something you wish your mom to be dead) and wrote that message for your friend. because of the nature of your relationship with your gf you blocked out everything. re paxil dont worry its one of the safest sleeping pills the only side effect i had when i was on it was dry mouth.
just my 2 cents but maybe you both should spend some time apart from each other. sticking to bad destructive relationships is so common with sa survivors. believe me ive been there. she may be a good person in general but right now you need to find yourself and understand the effects of sa on your life and being with mom all the time will bring only pain and guilty to you. after some time in therapy youd be able to look for a healthier relationship without these signs of co-dependence.
be strong talk to your t and relax its gonna be better

john

 

[zadok1]

paxil is mild, but still, every medication can affect people differently. i know vivid and extreme dreams are on side effect of some of them. usually those go away after taking it for a short time. you could have even been sleepwalking. people can do amazing things in thier sleep. my advice, be patient. give everything time to work. this isnt something where you'll get a quick fix. healing comes in 'lightbulb' moments, when you realize something out of the blue. hang in there.

 

[Lloydy]

Mark
I'm no expert here, maybe Ken or someone better qualified could give us the right explanation.

But I think that in certain "mental" states the body can produce it's own powerful drugs, I certainly experienced and used adrenaline to create a high when I was acting out. And it was a better high than cocaine or any other drug I've tried over the years.
I was completly out of control at times.

Maybe you're not experiencing adrenaline, but there are other ways for the body to create trance states and hallucinations without drugs.

It's worth you asking your doctor and therapist about.
And although it's extremly frightening I don't imagine it's a problem that wont respond to therapy and medication.

Possibly you're pushing yourself too hard at the moment. You must learn to relax Mark, the body and mind can only take so much.

Dave

 

[outis]

Mark,

It does sound like a nightmare to me. Now that you're actively working to improve your life, defeat the effects the abuse has had on your life, what is the worst, most nightmarish thing that could happen? I think that's what you dreamed, maybe out of some sense of dread, that bad things, horrible things always come close on the heels of anything that seems good.

I would talk to the T about this before giving up the medicines. A talk with Eve about what she needs to keep herself healthy (physically, spiritually, and emotionally) might be a good idea, too. If you know that she's not "in danger" you might feel better.

I have worried a lot about Susie's health. I've tried to do what I can to reduce the strain of this stuff on her as much as I can. I told her to tell someone whatever she has to tell them about what I'm doing and how that affects her if she needs to talk with someone besides me. I'll trust her to trust someone deserving of trust. I don't think she has said anything to anyone yet, but if she gets really stressed she knows she doesn't have to break my confidence to relieve some pressure on herself.

I'm not suggesting that you do something you find too uncomfortable or too threatening. Take your time, like Dave says, relax. When I was a kid I remember reading how Bruce Lee found such a contradiction in forcing himself to relax. I've been restrained rather than relaxed before. It's not good.

Remember, you got through the abuse. You are healthy. Eve is healthy. Take a break with something lighter.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Mike Church]

Mark you did not add more shit to my life believe me. I sent you a reply that contains something on what you should do.

I am so relieved that Eve is ok. What a scare I got. But heed your brothers words above.

You are going to heal and this is just one of those Fxxken bumps I talk about. STick with it.

Mark we are all here to help one another. Now I took Paxil and it did shit for me. So I am on effexor and welbutrin and they seem to work. Screws up the libido a bit but I can live with that. Give Eve a great big hug and kiss for me ok.

And Mark dont stop the pms. Remember you have not done anything wrong.

(((((((((((((((((MARK))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[MM]

OK, I dont want to insult anybody here because you all have been a great help to me and I feel like we are brothers. But I really didnt like Boulders comments, and I dont think anybody can judge my relationship with her and has any right to say anything about it. What the hell is that, tell me that shes like my mom? That we have a bad, destructive relationship? I dont need this kind of advice, thank you very much.

For all the others who care about me, I went to therapy this morning and we talked about what happened he also believes it could be a nightmare, something really scary that I blocked out completely. I sill dont get how I could write something like that and forget everything about it, but I wont burn my head trying to figure all that right now. Im stopping with the pills for now; I dont want to take any risks. He said to me that whatever it is, we can work out in therapy and theres no reason to me to think I can hurt her or something. She assured me she was OK and she doesnt feel threatened by me at all, that was something really good to hear. I was so relieved.

He also told me you have to learn to relax; youre pushing yourself too hard, too fast. I put a lot of pressure on me because I want to get better NOW, and I know thats not how it works, but I still do it. I dont know, so much happened in the last month, I came here, talked about my abuse to her, went to therapy, had all these daily nightmares, got that stupid call from my mom, even spending time with her brother last week made me anxious. Gosh, how Id like to relax anyway, since Im not working this week, were making a trip so we can stay away from the city and all our problems, maybe spend some time without discussing the abuse, drugs, nightmares, sex, therapy, just doing nothing. That would be really good. So, I wont be posting this week, but Ill talk to you guys next Monday.

Thanks.

 

[The Dean]

Mark, good idea to go for some relaxing time with Eve.

You did the right thing by talking to your therapist. Hopefully, this fright will lessen for you between now and your next therapy session.

Mark, I do have to say that it worries me that you would discontinue your medications unless the doc told you to do so. Abrubtly ending them can cause you more grief than you could imagine, unless the doc feels that you can do so, probably if they were at a low dose.

The impetuosity is something I can understand well. I am very impetuous. I have tried to slow down and think things through. But, I still do impetuous things and then regret it.

Deep healing of the wounds to our spirits, takes a certain amount of time. It is quicker for some than others. If you trust your therapist, the best you can do is to be completely open to him/her, and then follow the therapists lead. They know how to help us, and they dedicate their lives to helping us. They want us well, nearly as much as we want to be well.

Enjoy life!

Bob

 

[Muldoon]

mark sorry to hear about all you are going through. hope the weeekend will help. Just a word about taken your self off the Paxil. Please let your DOC know that you are off it. I don't know all the effect but just going off cold turkey can led to other side effects. I learned the hard way ,didn.t sleep for 10 days, Keep your Doc informed on what is going on. Put by all means do what is right for you.

Also if you want the fact sheet on any drugs go to WEBMD .com They have all the info on meds and sleep disorder and all other effects. It is a realy useful source for info. Muldoon

 

[boulder]

mark, i was talking about your relantioship, not specifically your gf. i really belive that the path to a full recovery is faster when you're not in a romantic relantioship, you can see things clearer and don't have to worry about other people's feelings. especially in cases when the abuse was done by parents (you and me), it's very easy to relive that same pattern of relantioship. as i told, i've been there, and once i get free from that kind of destructive behavior, everything got much better.
re paxil, i didn't think it's a good idea just stop it, as others have said, the side effects can be even worse. and for sure it had nothing to do to what you went through, your nightmares can be expression of repressed wishes you have, reread what i wrote to you.
take care,
john

 

[Leosha]

I relate of your problem, it is one I have been suffering of since I start to deal of this 'healing'. Of the four therapy appointments I go at so far, I remember only two. I have no recollection even to be at the other two. I also have had times talking at people, or going somewhere, and not recall of it later. It seems it happens most at me when dealing with particularly hard memories, such as the death of my brother. First I remember of that, when I first speak of it, I not recall it later. I have to 'remember' it three times before it finally come right in my mind. I have lost of myself even while talking at friends online, just during basic panic feelings. I am finding as I feel stronger of my memories, and as the medicines are working better on me, I am doing this less now. But it is not something unheard of, and does not make you bad or wrong. Your mind does many different things to protect you of pain, and this is one of them. I do not know that you are on any medications, but perhaps that would help some while you deal of the worst of this? I know that it help me much, I was in panic and flashback almost constant, and now it still happens every day, but is fewer. Please consider that option also. I wish you well, and good luck.

Leosha