i dont love you.

Crisis line "....
Hi my name is James, I'm really screwed up right now..."
" what's going on?"
" my penis is small.
I'm angry. "
That's all I got. I'm sucking at life!
I keep...I don't know how to make friends.
I am supposed to be a girl.
Everyone fkd me up!
It's hard typing this, my crying isn't coming out.
Loneliness sucks.
My brother won't let me see his kids.
I, you're not even talking to me right now,
It's just I respect the guys at malesurvivor and those who saved me.
But I'm fuking miserable.
I don't like that I can't be kind and friendly.
I live with two guys...
My brain blows!
I know I'm not supposed to talk like that.
I'm angry. Where do I go?
I want my penis. Not my dad's.
Hookup apps...passed off.
I just want to move.
Nobody can save me ..
I feel ashamed that I need help.
I need to earn money..
I can't live in someone else's house!
Always having to understand everyone can make me go nuts.
Where the fuk is dad and mom?
Thanks for caring..
Even though this is just my brain.
Happy fukng holidays!!
 
Hi Sterling. I've been reading through your posts. You are in such pain, I am sorry. I am glad you are able to vent it here. Life can be so scary.
 
Thanks Greybeard!
Life sucks right now.
I care. But I am everyone.
I just want this overwith .
Thanks for hearing me and supporting me....feels like a nice hug over the internet .
Thanks again,
Hope you have a nice December .
J
 
I , don't know what you want,
TRIGGER WARNING
TRIGGER WARNING
TRIGGER WARNING

Why do you like your dad so much?
I don't want to live here anymore
What if I lose it?
Never been east of here

I can't live here.
Have nobody
People aren't friendly

What will fix this?

I don't know my purpose

Don't talk to my therapist till Wednesday.

I am so unhappy.

I don't what to do
Where do I go?
Have never felt safe.
Lack self esteem

Feel like I'm not going back...
Girl stuff.
I'm jealous of men's junk.
That made them happy.

But it's so unwelcoming here.
Have Noone.
Don't like to live with people.

What...
Not getting...
Grounding is difficult

Thanks.
James
 
Hey...
Gotten. Trying to misspell words..
Why do you want to be like us?" Mary's voice
I was stupid. I am angry, desperate for
man love!
I become mental when I see the faces.
I wish there was a home.
I'm doing well. I'm struggling...
Why?" Anon voice
I wanted my parents,
Maybe 10 years old
This therapy is nuts.
I have to tell myself that I deserve friends,
I deserve love....
I get horny at night...
Wish these guys could help me,
I need dxxx.
Well now, what?
Jhdrtyuuh nnn
Hhgffffhkk
Goodnight

Thanks for helping.
J
 
Bjghy vhg jbj
Sorry. Ijyvf
Hvfhu police
Have ybj
Male can't be
Have to listen
Nkyvn $$ jjjjgg khfgg nah
Help. Kigve hj $$$
Sorry. Jkhcc hhf where did are you?
Bfhj kfg gh move.
Had stjkjh $$$$ making fhjbh
You're an idiot.
Uhddgv hkkk
Help. Sgdgdf doing the best I can.
Move, we need you over there.
Ngyoufcc who are your parents?
$$$$$ $$$$$$$ .
Juggling.
M.
He can kill us,
You're not to know you.
Quick blankets.
You are in Los Angeles.
Stupid. $$$$$$
Help.
Cross. Over.
Identity lyddvjvfss $$$$$$
No home!". You better not say,
Jail.
Hugs ,
 
Hhhhhhhh hate these feelings.
Lonely. I'm angry and disappointed.
A friend. I don't know anything.
My mom is dumb. Blocked.
I wish I could. Can't go there.
Disturbed. I don't know me.
Nnnjjjhhhhhhhhbv hhhhhh
How can I trust?
Don't want to know him.
His camera pissed me off.
I felt responsible. So what do I do?
Cops can't do much.
I don't know how to play , I just imagine
Where do I go? Can't have a home.
This really sucks.
Hugging trees.
Thanks for letting me open up.
James
 
Thanks for letting me do this, men at malesurvivor.
Mmmmm
Nnnnnnn n
Me. Afraid of blank
He didn't want anything to do with me
What is that going to work with now?
I'm jealous of him.
It's hard to know who to go to or believe in..
They....I know part of it is opening up.
I can't sleep , stronger,
I'm terrified. What if's?
Who will come here?
Sesame street was my friend as a kid.
I know it's a new time...
I could fall apart. I don't know what im gonna do.
I am. Feel anger.
All the mental abuse...being forced to be a girl. So humiliating. I'm frustrated.
I hate to say, my mom didn't understand what I was going through.
I went to watch guys,
POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER

Kiss.
Because I want to be period.
They erased my identity. My gender.
The group im getting help with can mess my pride.
This stuff is so crazy.
Thrilling, exciting yet dangerous.
Who am I?
What am I doing?
Who are my parents?
It fn sucks.
My cousins have it, better than me.
I can't visit my mom again.
I'm exhausted. I need something.
Moving is what I need.
Hope I don't fuk me all up!
God bless ! Thank you for your time and support and love ❤!!!
James
 
ifiguredouitnot not a gonurt
asdkl;fja;dkjadfkl;jafj;asd;fjk
I wanst allowed to be . yorgure. my
brain has to think for them. he is loser.
they are all losers, even my mom.
how can you talk tlike this ? ahhhh fuck off!
don't need ya.
but I do need moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
so I try focus groups.
"oh I know someone who earns full time pay doing focus groups."
yea. not happening. I have been declined 8 times in the past two weeks.
sign ? yea.
get a life. get a job.
my body. boy dyea. hearut. school. I don't want to go to
school. you cant even spell properly.
get your shit toghe. I am abou to hiet tmyself.asdf
adfasdkl;fjasdfkl;jadfl;kja
anyway. I googled donating sperm.
this guy made me allaugh. especially with the photos.


a giu was [ameomd ,e amd o tjpigjt ot was ,mine sperm donro. i had a panic.
im scared of being him.
shit nationality.
sorry ton sant mpis wnyone off.
sorry.
i can be smeart. i can spell. i miss grade 1 i miss the smell
i miss the blackborard. i miss that. once i thought. i had to sereperatr my self and only tink of bilie. cunt!
i never want to be mental for anyone ever again. too bad i cant earn money with what i ve learned.
i dont want my want you se e ite my dad. he istn you canlie all you want bitch.
if you cared. yo would bicit. you want them. i cant trust you. you like bilie so do way. stay . i dont want you
love him. i have to start over. the beinning. oh well start over.
i hate my mom. and that wasnt what i asked for. nobody let me love her.
they kept saying stuff. and his eyes i had to be scared of h im. he told me stuff. i think this is why i stopped everything.
i was scared that i would become him. that w why my therpai is different. i dont know who to go to
but malesurvivor is helping. even just posting ifeel like i matter. . actually a guy said referring to himseelf. i quote
sl;kfj; my brain gets dialougue quickly and it feels like everyone is listening. hmm. wonder why that is
the gentleman said " I am relevant, I matter" , and something else
i will never be a writer so let that go. i wont be a movie star. that can go. i can be a public speaker. my legs cant handle all that time.
what if they dont like what i say? what if i make people stressed , then ...sa;dklfjal;fjk
dont want you. you are not my father. and i dont want you. and i have my rights. i want to live.
i shouldnt be sorry. you all should be sorry. sl;dkfjas;djdfkl; a;sldfjksd;s;adlfjk hate feelings. sometimes.
hate hate. but thing is when you do this shit its hard not to. you dont want me. if you wanted me you would have stopped.
you threw me away. what about those times when you called me a pig. while eating. that fucked me up.
you want blowjobs get it from an adult who wants to. not me. dumb cunt! and then bozna.what aoub ther that bitch she haets me , why?
she didnt want me to have love. really. she dint. all you guys focues on helping bilie . that what happens. no more. i am scared of wanting
women. dont know my amgea.you. you want me to feel like a girl. and now what. my brother cant see me. he may be terrified. for his reasons.
my sisnter in law can be thinking whatever. i dont know her. i have to think like these idiots. and help them. you really fucked me up.
ipa shouldnt have to read this. or malesurvivor. why dont you fly around crying for help. needing a dad. you are proud to be a coward.
i feel ashamed of you. i needed one to protect me , not laugh at me. especialy at my genitals. i am very scarred. when are you coming to visit? try never.
if i see you , i will kill myself. i cant go see him. and you want me to think "oh this is your dad." no x that one out. he is nothing. he needs someone
he never let me talk. to not. wamy thiga. i dont know who to talk to. i am very lucky. very very lucky. i could have died. if it wasnt for my friend eddy in grade 6
and chaucer and primal therapy , meaning bob ,ipa , ms , will, shawn , jayme i would be screwed, its very important to be me grateful and love these
what if i killed my mom. all be/c your wife bozna hates her. and for what? you guys changed it all. all of it and for what . you see how you made me very mentally ill. and why ?
you don't know m beter. ? you want bilie to have it all. now what
you arelonley now you think of them . you don't want me youwantthem youa re very scik I could have dies ofr k illed. my thinking coultn work. your dad is gay bilie . you are pussies!
cops what are the cops going to do? of you poor guy. how did you survive. ? so you want us to go to your dad's brother's place and have him accept being gay. not happening!
why? cuz this isn't our problem that s his problem.
htat why i dont care to see you. i lost my mom since birth taht bitch bozna beat the shit ouf of me. you dont care. you want it both ways.
you want bilie to hav it all. and i get i no purberty. no friends. cant look at anyone in the eye. what the fuck ? how is i this rigfht. hope .
I wioll never look back. never. why doesn't bilile go to tell
my nieces and nephews that I cant see them. bucz of this.
this is my feelings. I am to feel their shit? .
i dont want to take care of them. aquit asking for help fuck em. let them go. i learn bye brother. fuck. this is my head. its hard to enjoy life.
they beat me up so they wouldnt beat their own ik kids up. they know this. biili knows this. that s why i hav rage. you dont care. you want me to eat.
that s why I cant see Darren or james. not happening.
i am not responsbile for this. i need dad. comfort. not beat me up. pull my pants down. this is terribel, this is shit. i dont even fit in support groups!
I can see how suicide is alive. I cant run from this. have
to dace it dahe on. cant read this
trust si their problem no. they want it all but they dont want to do the work in building relationships or knowding their mistakes. no what they want me to feel their shit while
eating. this is sick. I cant enjoy life. yes you can
fuck ioff go back home stupid. I don't want to know anyone
anymore.
asd;fljkasd;fjkl ksldfsdjkl;fsdfjkl thanks guys and gals here. thanks malesurivvor. wish i had money to give.
Dude….I completely get it! I’m the same as you. I’m sorry for your shit! You deserve better. Keep writing…as long as it helps. Eric.
 
Hi James,

I hope the prognosis is good after your hospital visit. A hospital stay is never "a day at the beach"

Best to you.


Blue
A day at the beach?!, lol I've been in hospital so many times over my life I know what you mean. I remember that when I had encephalitis (age 12), my mother brought in a bean froggie orange and yellow big beady eyes. I was kinda embarrassed to have it, so what I did was during the day, I let one of the other boys across from me in the ward play with it, then at night time, I would pick it back up and put it on the table beside me. This went on for the duration of the week I was in. I think that boy really appreciated having it with him during the day. And I felt good about letting him have it for a bit.
 
(Sorry guys need to write first, sorry need to focus!)

Also my crap is very triggering
TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE TRIGGER POSSIBLE
Ignore my material.
hugs.

I was stuck.
I didn't like to be alone. Psycho
Couldn't tell......when I think I'm a boy I get worried. YX.
Grounding is hard.
Feel angry. I play, I play, I play
Why is this so hard?
I could kill these fuckers ( sorry don't mean to upset anyone)
I was to scared of my cousin
Froze. Don't want to look at my mom, instead porn.
Mind mapping, drawing on paper is fn hard.
I'm not showing off. I'm in my room and needing a place of my own.
Awful, reading never helped grade 1.
Goals? Kill myself. Feel embarrassed I can't make it. Feel alone?
Every time I want a job,
I am breathing! lonely.
Don't go to scruff. I'm lonely, lonely.
Don't trust , scared of people. Again lonely . Don't have to eat. Stressed
Stuck, age1 feel rejected by my dad.
 
I hate that. " You will be like us" Cousins dad.
K, so what would a therapist say?
You have nobody?" T
Maybe it is running. Vjcivivivivjvuvuvuvu
Ufufufufuf5d5xycjvivi
Cops, want to be a boy. Waited and waited, that's why I want to run ‍
I can't feel my self. Sperm donor's enters my room. How does it feel to be fatter?
- 5 on scale of 1-10.
Hey gerstein:
Moving now! Need money!
Don't. Living here is impossible.
And I have no money. I want love people.
It's dangerous to live here..
" why? can't you be a girl?"
We know you are talking to a crisis line. " Cousins parents
Everything that's in my head BILLIE.
Depersonalization.
Please help I don't want them. I don't like my male parent. I love her.
"Nova Scotia? Running from your problems? "
You can't know me.
I turned my day. Hate this.
 
Gty I wasn't allowed to be...
I felt alone.
Ashamed
I couldn't speak.
Online chat helped
I don't feel safe
I watched porn, it felt awful
Sorry I don't upset anyone
Last night I met a guy,
He was cute. More importantly, his kindness was so attractive!
He picked me up.
Also a guy, might have made a guy angry, disappointed....he wanted to meet me. But he wouldn't give me a photo.
I could never trust him, I couldn't meet him. Feel shitty, sorry to him!
I feel disgusting...watched porn.
I wanted this guy who drove me.
I am struggling...I don't know how I can make it. I'm very sensitive, overwhelmed lacking confidence, frustration rarely get to have company.
Sorry, I hope this guy who wanted to meet me, finds love and happiness !
I would have met him.
I'm so sorry. I hope you don't feel rejected. I'm really sorry !!
I'm having a very hard time here.
I need to find a way, I have only myself and my father...if that makes sense...
My brain can't do everything right now...
This post is very unfortunate ,
I'm very depressed because of my thinking , I hate relations , I crave love.
Sorry to that guy, he didn't understand,
How can expect to see me, if I can't see him?
And to this hot guy who picked me up.
Thank you. I wish I had the courage to have been able to have more conversation. I'm nervous about my future in Ontario, and my financial situation. I wish I could have been able to give you my phone number.
It's awful but. I figure we all deserve someone somewhere, so I'm hoping it all works out.
I'm so scared right now.
I don't like sleeping where I'm sleeping.
My cousins fkd me up!
It's so embarrassing and tragic !
I don't like rejection...and I'm more afraid of making someone feel uncomfortable.
That's why. I hope I can see you again,
Sorry I forgot your name.
Love,
James
Thank you Malesurvivor
 
Sae rrt sorry I need to feel safe
I'm just type random letters
COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER
COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER
SORRY.



I'm scared, I feel like, drss . I wanted to kill my male parent
Cops. Hard to know. How to talk.
Angry. I never wanted to be there..
FOLLOWING MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE
SORRY SORRY SORRY.


I hate women clothing
She just kept doing that. Everyone laughed.
Please God, if you're up there,
Please let me have my independence.
Please I'm sorry, if this isn't working out for some, especially who I live with and that moron...
I can't be responsible for him.
Or the people around me
Please some things scare the heck out of me.
Please please, I need figure this out.
Thanks for everyone,
Thanks God,
Thanks malesurvivor.
James
 
Top