i dont love you.

Hi James,
I looked at many past posts you have made and see where you know yourself very well, but you say you haven’t accepted yourself. That is great insight. I see and feel your absolute frustration and wish it eased for you , but one thing I see is the continued fight and desire you have within you to change. You know who you are, and for many that is missing. Accept yourself. You know who you are and what happened was tragic. You know you want a different life, and see it within grasp. I hope you can get there James, I am truly hoping you succeed. You’re a good guy who makes me smile in many posts (diaper post for instance!) and has made me sad with realizations of deep loneliness. I am rooting for you! Take care James.
 
Sterling please don't self harm. And it's ok to be gay and to yell out, get it out, cry, sob, whatever you need to do. Get a teddy bear or a stuffed animal that brings to your heart when you are upset and you can hold. If you ever need help, always check chat to talk to somebody here or if you are really going to hurt yourself text the Suicide Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ or call at 800-273-8255. Or call 911. When you are too scared and don't know what to do and need help, somebody will help you, there always is someone who will. And feel free to post here as often as you want, we read it.

GH999
 
I had to be my dad. and his dad. garbage nation.
I want to , me .
Its nuts, i want a guy badly.......patience can be troubling.
Don't want to be responsible.
That's why I have a hard time working for someone.....
.....concerned "what do they think"

Thanks guys; Rick and Greyhound.
I don't ground myself enough

I am loving what i am doing and how far i have come.

That's it.
hugs, hugs, hugs.
James
malesurvivor=priceless. thanks.
 
Wait, what's going on?
I needed sex. I want this guy Kevin.
He wants me too.
What's the problem?
I don't want to kixx myself.
 
I'm working hard.
I'm doing a good job.
I feel bad for my dad.
Fuk that! Who will care for you? ,
you sensitive naive fuk?
Be careful. Noone will care for you.
The trauma happened to me.
This story is mine, Noone else's.
Quit going on these hookup apps waiting for your dad.
He isn't them.
Gay is fine.
Love yourself !


Thanks Rick.
X
 
i needed m. and then i wanted to cry so badly.
i hope my mom pulls thru.
i dont know if i can live here, ....
wish i could listne. listen. my inner voices , blacks. because i need to be careful
that she cant be me!
i know this is scary but you got this james.
how to i gigue. what does this mean? i am angry, frustrated and terrified.
why?
I had to hit my mother. and hit hit.
elementary school was frightening m for me. i had to be her.
we cant give you your mother back....
i know.
so thats b probably where you need to cry. and . cry.
james : " i wanted you. i needed you. where are you?
I dont want to listen to them. they want me to die". How old do i feel when asking this?
age 1 .
goodnight .
thanks for giving me the privelage to thoroughly heal , malesurvivor .
 
I want to kill.
Jjjhgff
I can hurt. I hate him.
Why do I make things up?
I don't know what happened.
I am so lonely.
I want the real deal. Whaddya mean?
man. In front of me.
I don't want to watch porn.
I'm but. Me. Depressed. Lonely.
Nobody wanted me .
I am angry. I'm lonely.
I want to live. Get it all.
Still lonely.
Fxxxxxxxxk!
 
COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER
COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER
COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER




at home.
" this isn't my home! ??
Dad . "?

He wants you.
I can't go there, she took my mom away.
now is not 1978.
I don't like making me sick.
I don't know what to do.
I feel frustrated! Alone. Jealous!
Lots of rage.
I feel lost,........


like sucking dixx because I want to get love, from a man - preferably one who is a dad, to me.
Shhhh! Don't tell anyone. "
"C'mon..... "

I don't have to know him
I don't like him.
He not my dad!
Where do I go?

Thanks for being on t.v. ,"
Cousins are blank .
Then when it was over,
I erased my gender, I will always be a boy....
I hate , them.
I feel sick. Alone, ashamed, disturbing,
I feel lost and forgotten,
When I eat, I forget how and what happened.
Can anyone be my dad?

Too much!!
Leaving, going where?

Hugs,
 
Hard. Boy. Pizza . 4 yrs old .
You better eat, faggot !
I'm lonely, struggling, loser,
wanting to find a place,
Never going to be 9 again.
Have to eat so nobody can know.
I'm special, not good.
Have no choice. Cousin, I hurt her.
So my aunt says.
My sperm donor likes her more than me.
Can't go home, can't go back to those years, say what I want...? I will always lose. Back. If I find out by feeling,
That's why , attention, don't know why my male parent needs me so much.
I erased my brain. They told me I want to die. My dad didn't care.
My mom isn't allowed....I never learned to play. I never learned period!
So how come I still care?
I am lonely and keep thinking,
I keep wanting connections and friends.
I am starting, new. Keep going forward.
I am lonely and scared.
But I.I'm alive, that's good.
I can talk, I can feel.
I can feel the need to want to be wanted.
Careful, don't trust him.
It's hard. I have to care about people...
I'm not responsible for my dad or my mom. Tragic.
Have to create a life for myself.
Love you guys. And thanks .
J
 
THIS CAN BE UPSETTING
CAN BE UPSETTING.


sucks. Wish I could go all the way.
Afraid of my life.
You will never have my parents.
Idea . Sss. I am not me. I'm my cousin.
I have no home.
My mom doesn't know he abused my brothers kids. I feel angry and alone.
I'm scared of ending blank.
Shitty parent. My mom has to think that my son doesn't like me.
Thought . "Nope I don't want to care about you, " my dad is my cousin.
My male parent, "I don't want you to come home ".
I need to sleep - me.
But when I sleep I am committing violence. Something happening,
My life is different when I wake up.
I woke up as a girl.
Sick stuff.
Nobody wanted anything to do with me.
I was looked at like I carried a disease.
Pizza and candy bars. My friends.
I wish my mom knew me.
 
So hard to focus.
I when I talk she hits me.
Had to think how they trained me.
Guess that's why I go to hookup app hoping my dad will come...
Feeling pissed off. Lonely, exhausted.
Thank You!
 
Hse bhh bhy bhu
Feel alone. Angry. Y?
My male parent didn't want me.
I ate. And ate. Next day, same thing.
Still feel upset.
Bghyu . I don't like who my male parent wanted.
They kept telling me scary stuff, at night.
I want to get going, why can't the men help one another... that aside.
Very alone. I crave sex late at night.
Sorry.
I'm embarrassed that I'm gay.
Thanks
And thank you Malesurvivor!
Hugs,
James
 
A-Hey "...
B-Hey !
B- How are you doin?
B- frigging alone. I feel angry.
I continue to wish to start over.
Nobody likes me.
A- ...yea....
B- What do I do? I'm afraid of myself.
Loneliness.....
A- Maybe you choose to feel alone....
B- Gee thanks ....Hey this feels okay...
B- I just never wanted to live like this.
B- Sometimes I picture myself staring out in the Atlantic Ocean...from Nova Scotia..
B- I hate it that I had Noone.
B- My male parent really fkd me up!
B- I keep doing this. I allow my anger and Loneliness piss me off.
B- I want to go home...
A- Where is that?
B- Not sure. I hate it here.
B- Nobody is changing me....
Bleeding out.
This shit sucks!
I hate craving sex/man.
So what do I need from a guy right now?
What would I ask if I was my dad?

Why?????


So.....I like men..?
Yes!!
So?
I didn't have things....
Gentle. Feel and understand before clicking the hookup app....
" Hey I need sex right now!".
My hope?
C- I am a devastating hot guy!
Here I am. Come over. "
How come it's not like this?
Because the guys don't get my problem.
What do I do?
Go home!
Where was that?
I'm not you. Malesurvivor men aren't you.
Watch, you can't go all the way...
Hookup apps , they won't help you...
I feel terrible when I don't get love.
How is that going to change,?
Get off the app.
Why can't the guys help?
It's just not meant for you!
Walk away....don't take it personal.
It's just the way it is.
I'm so angry.
Call it a night buddy.
I don't want to be here anymore...
So depressed.
Thanks,
James
 
Hi my name is Billie petkovski.
I live in London Ontario Canada.
Please don't listen to this guy.
He deserved to be a girl for my dad and my uncle.
He isn't allowed to know himself.
"Noone will believe him Billie ", says her sister Mary.
" You will always have nobody.
We are all you have.
You will never feel loved!
We will only be yours.
Come to us. Our mom and dad are waiting for you.
Remember we saved you.
You can kill yourself if you want to....
People will forget about you.
Then we will truly win , with our tomboy Billie! " Mary.
 
Thank you , Malesurvivor for allowing me to post this !
I feel so afraid some times..
God bless you guys.
Thank you for your time.
Hugs to all.
Hope every survivor's dream come true.
James
 
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