i dont love you.
Thanks Greyhound, and JDylah . I haven't been here in a while..
It's so hard to do this alone.
Below is my venting.. it's a rant
Just ignore. Thank you!
I hate struggling. I feel responsible for everyone. I know I will be told that I am not.
I just angry all the time. I may not show it.
Lonliness. But people would help.
I don't know what parents are supposed to be like. I feel ashamed. And ashamed of being ashamed . I keep thinking things will work itself out. Negative but, I don't think they always do. I just think too much.
But if I don't, who will take over?
I know it's depressing. I feel like I don't have much.. I don't want to make friends
But I do. I'm scared of my stuff.
I don't know. I keep going and going... it's
awful, crazy but I know I like myself.
I just felt like I had to be like my father, and his mom, his dad, and his shameful brother.
Hard to know where to go..I don't feel my body sometimes. I like that I can share here
Don't want anyone to care about me.
But. He is a phony, my sperm donor.
I that's where my mind gets stressed.
Not having anyone. I just made myself embarrassed. I he is dumb.
I just hope I figure this out.
Money is a problem. I always think something will work. That's fantasy thinking
Shame. That's all I feel. My dad's wife
(his second wife, who they fkd and needed me to shut up- ). I . I don't feel my body BC I got beaten up too much. And felt like it was justifiable to hurt me! That's why I shut off when I open up,. I don't know where to go
I am wanting too much. Just don't want to go back. I'm becoming me slowly... comfortable. Living with guys who do drugs,
It can be very unnerving to say the least.
I can feel responsible for just about anyone.
One more thing... my neice slept at my parents place few nights ago. I got very worried. I imagined driving over there to protect my neice. Don't own a car.
That's been really going through my head a lot since. I worry. That's why I don't call my parents. I keep having this conversation with him. " I know you abused my neice.
DON'T TOUCH THEM!! You idiot, kids aren't supposed to be there for sex."
" What are you talking about"?
Don't Play stupid! You learned shameful stuff
I want to text my brother right now!
She isn't responsible for you, you idiot!"
I have this in my head morning and night.
How do I get things done when I think this?
I hate thinking. I hate living in a city like this.
Nobody can help me. Everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't know what to do
I breathe, sometimes deeply.
I'm angry bout that I was used and my dad's stupid family got it all.
I know this is long...I need more in life.
Was planning to go to church tonight..
I know some people battle the flu. Debt.
They have kids to look after... some are disabled. I'm so fucking done. I don't know what or where to go. I push. But hard.
When there is nobody I can share this with.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Hugs
James
It's so hard to do this alone.
Below is my venting.. it's a rant
Just ignore. Thank you!
I hate struggling. I feel responsible for everyone. I know I will be told that I am not.
I just angry all the time. I may not show it.
Lonliness. But people would help.
I don't know what parents are supposed to be like. I feel ashamed. And ashamed of being ashamed . I keep thinking things will work itself out. Negative but, I don't think they always do. I just think too much.
But if I don't, who will take over?
I know it's depressing. I feel like I don't have much.. I don't want to make friends
But I do. I'm scared of my stuff.
I don't know. I keep going and going... it's
awful, crazy but I know I like myself.
I just felt like I had to be like my father, and his mom, his dad, and his shameful brother.
Hard to know where to go..I don't feel my body sometimes. I like that I can share here
Don't want anyone to care about me.
But. He is a phony, my sperm donor.
I that's where my mind gets stressed.
Not having anyone. I just made myself embarrassed. I he is dumb.
I just hope I figure this out.
Money is a problem. I always think something will work. That's fantasy thinking
Shame. That's all I feel. My dad's wife
(his second wife, who they fkd and needed me to shut up- ). I . I don't feel my body BC I got beaten up too much. And felt like it was justifiable to hurt me! That's why I shut off when I open up,. I don't know where to go
I am wanting too much. Just don't want to go back. I'm becoming me slowly... comfortable. Living with guys who do drugs,
It can be very unnerving to say the least.
I can feel responsible for just about anyone.
One more thing... my neice slept at my parents place few nights ago. I got very worried. I imagined driving over there to protect my neice. Don't own a car.
That's been really going through my head a lot since. I worry. That's why I don't call my parents. I keep having this conversation with him. " I know you abused my neice.
DON'T TOUCH THEM!! You idiot, kids aren't supposed to be there for sex."
" What are you talking about"?
Don't Play stupid! You learned shameful stuff
I want to text my brother right now!
She isn't responsible for you, you idiot!"
I have this in my head morning and night.
How do I get things done when I think this?
I hate thinking. I hate living in a city like this.
Nobody can help me. Everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't know what to do
I breathe, sometimes deeply.
I'm angry bout that I was used and my dad's stupid family got it all.
I know this is long...I need more in life.
Was planning to go to church tonight..
I know some people battle the flu. Debt.
They have kids to look after... some are disabled. I'm so fucking done. I don't know what or where to go. I push. But hard.
When there is nobody I can share this with.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Hugs
James