i dont love you.

i dont love you.
Japtnfilfo
Yelliing. I turned into them
Where were my parents?
I never want to talk to him.
Anger. You are. Know you want to do.
Mouth needed to stuff food.
I angry. Jjjjjjh
I can't stand living where I live.
Wish I could move. Feel stuck.
Like , kid was.
How can people get through this?
This is he'll.
Looking at his face.
He hates his family. Coward.
Where I live isn't safe.
Special. Feeling responsible .
Mind can't adapt to feeling responsible for cousin's, and their family.
Want to go back. They told me I would kill
if Billie. They wanted me to have a sex change. That's why I'm so stressed.
How do you survive?
Especially. Can't live with drug users.
Wish I could tell my landlord.
I'm begging you let me go.
Don't want to see anyone here.
It's not exaggerating.
How would it be easier jjjjjjhghhhhh
Hhhhhhhh hjjjujuuh
I'm your dad". We like you. Your mom blank
Kjhgghjj jjjj hkjhh. Sperm donor did nothing
I watched TV porn.
I then became like my cousin.
I feel like I had no choice.
I don't know where to go.
I hate living here
I understand nobody is talking to me right now. I don't want to be here like this.
Noone gave a shit. I need the cops.
I don't want them. In me.
What if cops don't give a crap?
I can't handle seeing his face and family.
I need to earn money.
I'm not into sex. I'm trying to hurry.
Don't like caring about him.
Definitely didn't have a choice.
Rejected. Thanks for the support!!!
Hugs
James
 
Hope you fall hard k.k. hope your son Billy
gets what he deserves..
Please help me. I need to tell my story.
Please police help me.
I want this stuff out. They should all be accountable!!!! I am not dumb
Never did sperm donor care.
Thanks everyone at malesurvivvorr.
James
 
Hey...gay. did you want me?
Go home."!!
Grade 1. I need attention. I never got attention as a kid. Feeling lonely.
Trust him.
" Why can't you call me?". You're not my cousin. That's it.?
Where are you? Nbbbb want to tell.
Earn . Bbggjhdf fff stop. App . I want
Someone to care. Hurtful... they got what they wanted. Guys here arnt my family
Guys here deserve more.
Jail. That's confusing ... my brain won't think
Just eat. Who am I? Scary. I'm so jealous
Thinking of moving to another province
I'm not important. Hard to trust. Pizza not good for me. I'm in a movie.
Disassociation. Feel dumb. Hopeless.
He wants me to go there... my mom might never see me again. Had to hate her.
Dumb cunt. Changing me. This hurts.
Hgdffgggnn angry. Move. Hate drugs.
 
Hate my brain. Always have to try to get attention. I go on these apps. I feel ashamed. Mental illness from abandonedment. Follwd by loneliness, surging imaginative thoughts BC everyone laughed at me, more loneliness, Desperation
Do you like me? They ask. Noone can know
Triggers conversation only with me.
Pressure on my eyes and head ....
Hoping to primal tears.
Fantasy, sperm donor needs me to keep quiet BC he hates himself, and points blame on me. His brother, same. Movies scared the shit out of me.
That's my time.
Thanks for your help ms.
James
 
Gay. Horny. But I like hot coloured women.
Don't want cousin's. Or family.
I don't, can't bell . Don't want to feel their families problems. Hard to do this.
Too much. I don't want to eat.
Dfjhhh giving in. Looking at guy hookups?
When I swallow.it easier .
Don't know how to seperate myself from them. He made it easier for him.
Njjjjjdf. Not my mom. They wanted to be perfect!! I really miss Carmen. She was my best friend.
He kept touching my behind.
Hate".
Life is hard isn't it sperm donor??
You want your tiny peepee looked after?
You and your shit family... you all are so smart mess with a kid's life.
LOSERS
 
I was wondering why I have to go back to him. I need you daddy..
What if you DID need him
Why did you leave me?
I have no friends.
Noone to talk to..
Sorry to see you go....I want to go home!"
My niece said she wanted to go home
Where is??? What? Mom/ Dad?
Friends are no good. That's what that cunt said to me.
I miss you Jeff , Matt, Crystal.
I think I needed that connection with Jeff.
He no longer lives here.
Gay. Doesn't work. Can't make things up,
just so cousin's get an easy life!
 
K brain.
Let's see. Not showing off.
I wish those guys didn't move out.
What happened? Fxxx.
Michelle I'm lonely, angry.
Don't know me. You say dismiss those thoughts..why did they have to do all that crap? I was an innocent kid.
I'm so lonely. Every time I get to their house I had to forget what they did once I entered their home.
What happened to think of this tonight,?
This guy Jeff! I thought it was getting ..
The guys aren't here. I curious.
Saw men's junk on an app.
When I feel pissed off . Go home
I don't know where that is...I want friends
Friends arnt apps with guys penises
What am I wanting?
Place to go and meet. I hate this.
There wasn't. I my brain dumb for them.
I'd be angry too. Maybe just learn
Don't have to act out. My stupid sperm donor needed life. I somehow became responsible for him and his family.
I thought it I connected. Billie,?
Billie sent these men. These guys don't care
about me. Nobody fucking cares.
I really don't want sex. Not without a parent
next to me. Who are you?
I'm very fucked up. I don't want to get anyone angry or depressed.
Addictive to look at guy's penises
My dad. Pizza is the only thing that makes me feel loved.
It's been a long night. Haven't slept.
Im gonna miss Jeff Matt Crystal.
I was getting so comfortable with them.
I feel worse. I'm so desperate.
That's why I'm a turnoff , to that one guy on the app. Always felt special.
Before talking. Dress me as a girl.
I was going to check if I got any new messages on the app.
Feelings can hurt.
K gotta log off
Thanks for letting me share MS
James
 
We will listen. We may not be able to do much else but that we can do.
Blessed be peace unto you and good ripples brother.
 
Hey James.
Hi how are you?
I'm good. How are things?
I miss the guys who lived upstairs.
My mouth is watering for Jeff.
Trapped765 said:
We will listen. We may not be able to do much else but that we can do.
Blessed be peace unto you and good ripples brother.
Click to expand...
Thanks bud! I really appreciate that.
I'm ridiculously alone, but pushing forward.
I better Malesurvivor back.
The support here is incredible ❤️❤️❤️
Can't thank you guys enough!!
J
 
Hey James, how are you doin?
I'm good how are you?
Well! What's happening?
I miss these guys who lived upstairs..
Now their gone . Jeff. Jeff and I were getting close.
I think I really wanted him and I to have sex.
He's gone. I worked hard at being careful with him. I need that connection with a guy .. very difficult with dating apps!
Hate this. I feel like I'm in jail.
What if I have sex with this Josh guy, I'm texting.. " you flirt with me, now you don't want me, what is this? This is fucked up!"
What if I get pissed off? I'm lonely.
I think I need friends. Guys on dating/ hookup apps aren't looking for friends
Would love to fucking beat my sperm donor
Get his shit family to tell all the people why I'm behaving the way I am!
Then stop. What are am I feeling ..?
I want a home. "
These men aren't your family James
My family took my childhood.
Acting out? Hate being so wanting to be loved and have a place..
These guys want sex.i want friends.
Have to practice. Anger sucks.
I'm special BC I m to be responsible for my father's family's feelings
What if I get angry while engaging in intimacy..
I can't say more right now.
Thanks everyone ♥♥
James
 
Sterling said:
These guys want sex.i want friends.
Click to expand...
I am not sure what to say and not sound stupid. You deserve to find those friends and not be used. I think this day and age that’s not so easy. I have a friend that broke up with his partner of about 20 years and he tells me the same thing. He was to meet friends and maybe then find that special person but he says it like now it’s just about hooking up. That’s not him. Like him I am sure you are a great person so be kind to yourself.

stephen
 
Thanks Stephen.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I don't want to change anyone, but nobody can be what I don't want to be!
How do you forgive stupid people?
Labels don't work well for me...
I was taught to hate myself.
So how can I ,. Frozen momentarily.
Thank you so much Stephen !
 
Sterling said:
I was taught to hate myself.
Click to expand...
It is hard for me not to judge myself and find fault in everything. I am working on changing but there is 48 years of low self esteem. So your not alone but at some point we have to give ourself positive views.

you are not bad, I am not bad we as others deserve our own happiness.
 
Thanks for listening.
I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable Manipulated. After reaching out to you some time ago, you sensed that I should try telling myself that I deserve to have a relationship. I know I don't deserve to feel loved. But that's my cousin's wanting, to follow their needs. Shame on them and my family!! I didn't deserve the abuse done to me. I still fight them.
I'm feeling angry ; my roommate is pissing me off. He needs friends. His problem is he doesn't have a mom /something.
Wish I could just pick up and go!
This town has a moody feel.
You better not be nice with me".
" I'm not going to care if you don't like me"
"Please don't care. "
Shov. Sorry if I made some mistakes here.
I don't know why you don't like your mom..."
Cousin's mom. I don't know how to live in this place. My roommate he puts his food in my section of the freezer...he has 2/3 of the freezer space ( and fridge) , I figure don't complain. He has more space on his area.
I can go crazy! Why did my landlord bring this guy. He is fine. But he needs to be loved. My landlord isn't here, I can't work on healing when he does stuff like this.
I try not to get angry. Why is he like this?
I can't feel responsible for him. I don't want to know anything, I have enough stupid shit.
I need sex. I'm ashamed of being gay
( I'm not really ashamed, as I'm fighting my
Dad's personality, off of me.). Hard to work on myself. My therapist can't help me.
I'm so crazy horny..I can't be telling a guy
" I really need your dick! Or I might lose it!
This situation...u can't just tell in my room
I hate this. Brad keeps doing stuff....
FN meth!!! Get off it.
" You're going down James". . and I bought him toilet paper tonight, and then he does this. Want to smack him!
" Smarten up Brad, I'm not you.
I don't owe you anything!! This whole city worries me. " Go away James we don't like you!!". I hate them. I wish my mom would know all the things they did.
Sorry for caring. Should just turn into ??
Assholes!! Nobody cared. This feeling of stuck, sucks. I can't enjoy life.
Rip my thoughts apart. Need to earn money. Aside from my part time job.
Sorry. I don't know who to talk to right now.
So frustrated. Feel like I'm in jail.
Yea, that's what dad's family wants.
This fkn reckless roommate pissing me off.
Two days ago he put my cheese slices from my section of the fridge onto his.
I didn't move my food, it's still at the same place. You just can go nuts.
What do I do
What are you feeling James?
I don't want to feel my parents' problems
Loser needs stuff. Can't trust anyone.
Jhgfgggjjnjhhh
Mkjjhggggggggggg
Hgggfffhhh
J
 
Don't go there
When. Happy. Bfhfggh
Exhaustd. Fsghhggg dgg. Gggv
Ghhfhg dgvg
I don't want to. Trust.
This guy doesn't know me.
Chfghhhf. Thanks.
I know my stui.
I'm pretty FD up.
Dggjfdg imagined. You are him.
That's what stupid sperm donor sister's law said. How do I get sex?
Erase? Let go? Forget it all? Just eat
Forget? WHO will take care of this?
Hungry? Cousin be better. Stronger.
Fjfkfgghdfvbh hate myself
Hate this fbb fjhg
Police help me please be vhfjb
Cbvvfbdhhg I'm disappointed in myself
She is better than you. She smiles
Pretty sure he watched with excitement
Djbcbb dad? Sgj
Fhdjgfkbh
Anger. Hope nobody minds
Fjfkgggch
Circumsize myself. Fhvfbhc
Goodbye.
Hugs
James
Thanks guys.
 
Hugs Sterling. I support you.
 
I'm also not sure what to say without sounding shallow or glib, but I hear you, James. I hope you find a moment's peace, right here, right now, whatever you need it to be. Remember to breathe.

As for wanting friends, not sex--I can absolutely relate to this. Gay culture has apparently become little more than a kaleidoscope of hookups and it's so, so difficult to find people who operate outside that paradigm these days.

Also, I'm sorry about your cheese slices. That's a big part of why I don't have roommates--people touching my stuff without asking always feels like a violation. I hope you've since reclaimed your cheese, brother, because (from a Wisconsinite's perspective, anyway) cheese is life.

Peace, brother. You are heard--and even if it's just a bunch of pixels on a screen, we're still Real Live Humans behind the screen--so to that effect, you're not alone.
 
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