i dont love you.

Sterling

Registrant
I want to build an app for traumatized men. To have sex, finding a buddy to talk, for self esteem, overcoming shyness, perhaps a cuddle buddy...
A guy at a small business bureau suggests to me...
I have to do my research and see if my idea is needed, can serve purpose..
I think it is needed.
Guys like me can't get sex from the guys on grindr or similar apps; very rarely!
I want to help men with loneliness.
Place they can go...
My concern is there still is the chance of feeling rejected. Which then can turn to feeling bitter and then angry.
Which hurts me.
My stuff is still on...
I love you guys!!
Thank you.

James
 

Sterling

Registrant
How are you?
( little me)- shitty.
Why?
Kid- I don't like who I am....OR...
Adult)- why?
Kid)- nope.. .Cousins are more important than who I need to be.
Adult)- how will you get better?
.....fucking kill myself...?
Adult)- how are you dreams gonna happen? Who will bring you back to life?
" OK...so you can care about you...
And I can want to care about you.
And forget. My mind...?
keep eating.....?
hate myself....?
kill my potential......
rage to me.....
yea.
go fuk yourself!!!
My brain
Fuking. Hyg
Trust....
Money....
I always crave sex with a woman...
My dick isn't....
Trying.....
Alone. Where are my parents?
Clock.

Thanks.
J
 

Sterling

Registrant
Mjiuh
I need friends...
K.
Here.
What happens tonight?
I'm a joke. He laughs at me.
I don't care. I don't know my identity.
I can't live like this.
So how can I reach my place/my dream?
My mom. .she isn't my mom.
I want to end it.
I'm not in that town.
I want to go back.
I want someone to kill me.
I still want to die
Who is me?
When I woke up I had a goal, to see the ocean.
Then I was happy I had work, today
I'm disappointed people don't want me
My parents weren't their. Parents.
I was my dad's dad.
I can't be friends with him.
I feel stuck in my bedroom.
I can't say anything.
My mom can't know what's happening
Watch lots of horror movies.
I think losers sister in law encouraged me to believe I am the one killing people on TV
I . I'm getting more embarrassed here
I don't lie.
He lies . He needs to be perfect
I have to be dumb for him
I eat. I need to go to another city.
I don't have friends
I want to be better than everyone- here
I get scared of everyone
I am scared everyone knows my mind
Can't go to where he lives
I have to leave this house Monday
Now I don't myself..what if I care more about killing myself and who will kill me for me?
What about? My thoughts of living there?
I don't have any friends. I don't like to see them. He can't let me be good.
My cousins are better.
I should just die.
I hate my life. I can't live here.
I hate this....who is here?
Other than MS..?
Who will kill me if I start opening up?
Or screaming? I need to yell
Cousins mom scared the shit out of me
She locked me in the bedroom
I only felt safe in the washroom
I am stupid. Cousins smart.
I became what my cousins needed
I don't believe you " male parent voice
Should I leave for eastern Canada?
But I don't have anyone there
Who will be my parents there?
Is this movie? Are you sick?
Who is touching me ?
I draw penises. I am not allowed to talk.
Suitcase in my hand. I don't know if I can commit to being anywhere...
I don't know who is responsible for my cousin... dad.....I hate my life.
I need to survive. I need to forget them.
Why my life isn't mine and loving my dad's family....and I am shit!
Back to Winnipeg. I don't want to....
You can't live here. " Cousins mom
She isn't speaking to me.
I am sick. What good these voices
What can bring good solid plan?
Miss my brother and his kids.
I love art. I love idea of making love
Trust is key. I can't feel my self
Ideas aren't...something
Why do I hate it here so much?
My mother is a monster.
I am not to think that she is my mom
My cousins mom is my real mom
My grandparents fd me up
People here can't fuk me up
I'm delusional. But I'm 47.
What's the plan? Not on TV.
But I'm better than everyone
So I'm told. They kept putting girls clothes on me.
Let her go! I need to leave.
I think it's a good idea....I'm frigging...
I'm ballsy. I'm nice guy.
It doesn't have to be forever.
What is the big deal?
I lived in Toronto.
Yea I visited a few times 15 years ago
I'm too fat. I don't like girls.
And the people in my neighborhood....are like my dad...
??
I'm not a TV guy
I want friends. I want love.
I can't have my brother.
I am me. It was never for me.
I can't live what's there's.
Shame on me for wanting to leave.
Who will save you?
What is your mom going to think?
Don't you need us? We saved you!
We know you need us. You should stay and kill yourself.
Can I go to bed now?
Should I eat more? No. I ate enough already. Who are you?
James. And why can't we talk to you?
You're not here.
Can't we tell malesurvivor who we are?
Bc we all want Billie!
I don't want to chat anymore.
I like people. I hope I can be of help to people.
I don't like it when you want to own me.
Especially when I am in my mind
I live for me.
Shame on you guys for taking away my gender....my brother...my mother and my life.
I love Ontario.
Hope you suffer sperm donor.
You aren't my dad.
Quite the moron.
I hope some men and women know they deserve better than shit parent like you.
I don't want to die.
I got to go..
 

Sterling

Registrant
Lawyer came by today telling me I'm getting $200,000.00 for pain and suffering from my father's brother.
Then the 90s dance song came in my head...
" in my dreams! in my fantasies, I can see
In my dreams, in my dreams, in my dreams!!
...at least I can dance.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Hey James!

I havent been around a lot lately but i still check-in. Hope you are okay my friend!

Good to see you still post here. This website is like our little space a sanctuary for all of us.

Enjoy the coming spring weather buddy.
Take care :cool:
 

Sterling

Registrant
I couldn't copy and paste...

The artist who sang the dance song that I like " in my dreams "
Is called " Darkness "

Thanks for your time guys!
 

Sterling

Registrant
From sperm donor...

Dear Son,
I thought you were perfect.
I thought you were special...
You lost!
I will be better...
I know how to win!
Good luck with all your poverty, paranoia.
You will never be better than me.
Hope you learn...

Me to younger me;

How can I survive?
How will I trust?
Who are my parents?
It's 2022.
It's scary, I'm alone..Lonely
How can I figure this out?
Hug me.
 

Eric66

Registrant
I’ll hug ya dude!
I like you.
I like your writing.
Don’t want nothin from you.
Won’t hurt you
I see you, man
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Sterling, I have not read much of what you have written, but it seems as if you have had a very very difficult life. You know what? I want ONLY ONE thing from you. I want you to think of one happy moment in your life, just one, and write it down here in reply. We all have had our struggles, and I thought today going to se my doctor I would get some answers. NOPE! No long haul covid clinic exists any more where I live, so I'm out of luck from support, and my audiologist (ear doctor) told me to go see my family doctor regarding meirrer's disease, which is a life long lasting disease of the ear in which one looses hearing. Well, he won't even send me for an official test just to make sure. So those 2 things are my bad things for the day, but,! wait! my really happy moment is that it is sunny and sort of warm 12C, and I went for a bike ride, then over to a friends' place and cut their lawns. I have always loved being outside, even from the time I could remember to, which is about 4 yrs old, maybe 3.
Anyways, I wish you some peace and enjoy the outdoors if you can. Don't just sit at home. Go to a park, watch the children play.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Eric and bornfree
...I need to write something....




I flirted with a young woman at McDonald's tonight..
So?

Ah, I hope this works out for all the guys.
This is hard work!!
I love you guys.
Thanks for being my support; protecting me as I got more courageous...
It can be done!
I really came far.
Thanks again!!!
Hugs,
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Eric!
I am in a tough spot right now...
I'm very lonely.
It's time I go to some other place..
I love you and malesurvivor!
Thanks Eric .
.

Bornfree thanks for caring and sharing your struggles !
I'll keep in mind what you suggested.
Spending time and bonding with my brothers kids- I'll never forget!!
Thanks for your inspiration .


Thanks guys.
Hugs..
James
 

Blueshawk

Registrant
Hey man, I hit this post and it went to your first ones in '17. I just wanna give you props on how far you've come. Tbh, I had trouble understanding, it felt like canoeing in rapids, like you're just going and kinda outta control and hitting rocks and it's all risk. I haven't read all the pages but your recent posts seem like you're further down the river and it's calmer. A couple years ago I went down the Delaware and we totally flipped in the rapids and kinda lost everything but we made it to shallower waters and got the canoe flipped back and kept going. Further down the river was calmer and we saw this bald eagle flying over the river bout 100 ft up and it was awesome. Even with the flip, trip was worth it just to see that eagle soar. Hey man, for all the troubles you've seen on your journey I hope ya get to see eagles.
 

Sterling

Registrant
I changed my email address,
I don't come here often and don't receive notifications if someone replied to my posts.
Sorry, no excuses!! Sorry.


I couldn't be myself.
I have freedom.
I can't talk because I have to be dumb.
I noticed I had to be a woman.
I am envy men; stuck on wanting to be a boy- cousins parents made me a different sex.
Male parent knows- he will give me anything so it will be forgotten.
I want sex. Men don't understand.
Maybe they think I'm messed up.
But they don't get how they can help.
I have Noone. ??. I wanted to be perfect.
Probably why my life was in my head,
I thought I was smarter than everyone.
Never was taught. Cousins parents wanted me to think that the people around don't like me and can't be trusted.
Parents did nothing.
I have to kill myself. Or kill my mother.
I am in the present. ?? Not always.
Have to feel. I found a group. Cried a bit. Felt great! Hope I will ball my eyes out in the future.
Goodbye. Kid inside has keeping quiet.
Suicide is my cousins hope. ?.
I can't talk/ tell.
Sadly can't relive kid stuff.
Risky to trust. Hate how I live.
Never had a penis.
I don't know how to be... how to live
Scared. Lonely. Desperate.
It sucks. Keep continuing...working
I hate my sperm donor. Coward.
I feel ashamed. So ashamed.
I hate not loving my mom.
My brother will never understand.
I hate my cousins.
Don't know...how I'm gonna move.
Sucks I have to keep finding courage..
I don't know how to have boundaries...
Or also have paranoia...
Scary stuff.
Keep wanting to runaway...
I know I'm safe. But it's scary.
I didn't have safe place as a kid.
Disaccoiating....not good.
People can get envious- it sucks.
Can't be responsible for them or anyone else.
I don't know who and how..
Love is great....and frightening...
Thanks for malesurvivor for making this possible!!!!
God bless. Sleep well!

James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Sorry Blueshawk.
I wish I would have checked back.
I'm really making progress...
Guess I'm scared of revisiting my information.
I really have it stressful..
I know that's none of your business..
Sorry...
I know you're not responsible for what im going through...
My mouth- ( SHUT UP!!)
I'm.... Lonely....
These losers ( carrying them....)
bleeding them out. Fn ridiculous!
Thanks Blueshawk.
Felt like a nice internet hug!
Xo
Thanks again
James
 
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