I am not. iu cant type. slow do he wants bilie.
I remember him looking down with a big smile on his face.
this was a few years ago , in their home.
and after my mom disapproved of me sayhing a negative comment aobut bilie and meir.
I could never let this go.
I wont g forget that I used to care about her. my mind cant handle
loving her and then forgiving for her reaction.
she waits. for me .
I feel a grab a sharp knife. and cut my heart
and say I don't deserve this.
I dotn want to them.
how could ?I wanting. to look like me.
I want one more experience with a guy.
but I fear I can get ungly.
unwanting to.
I don't want to fish for men's eyes on me.
I have been very blessed to have a nice face.
I was told my towo guys that my junk isn't that
bad.
when I looked at megan in her eyes last night
on the bus. I thougth or felt this need
to kiss her. she likes me.
I am very lucky.
if any guy really wants to feel loved and
to deserve love. I suggest.
The feelings are fine. and I am working on this
too. but my mind couldn't concentrate years
ago. I can see why , now.
I had to be aware of my feeling
and then I had to practise ( and give myself permission)
to feel the loneliness, feel the anger.
The more I did this, the less I found myself getting
beer.
Also, when I quit smoking, feelings came up.
Suppressing these emotions by smoking , and drinking
....I would go into lost areas, of not feeling.
Then I would get more angry.
Joining a group was really groundbreaking.
I get how it can be difficult to find a group in some
areas.
Maybe AA or some other group
( attempt to share a little)
( This isn't the best blog, or whatever, I tend
to go off on different areas).
When quiting smoking , it helped so much to get to
my emotions , that I didn't want to feel.
Followed by acting out on drinking.
The more I felt the more I got more into reality.
That these conversations in my mind were implanted
since infancy by my abusers , because THEY CHOSE ME.
Blanket my thoughts and all by repeating that I am special!
This was evil of them.
But when I started choosing groups like the IPA , I was cared for.
So, I needed parents.
Maybe this wont help anyone.
Just know if you are having a difficult time.
That you are loved.
I knew I wasn't loved. But , b/c my abuse happened from the
beginning, I knew that it was wrong.
And by , creativity blossomed in my mind , which was a survivor technique.
So , I encourage anyone, to not get discouraged that you ARE
doing the BEST THAT YOU CAN AT THIS MOMOENT!!
Work hard at knowing that we all are here for one another.
Perhaps hold yourself. I am learning to allow deep breathing
(but many years ago , I couldn't b/c I had so much anger in me
- and now I can let myself love that time , that I did the best I could then).
I don't need them. But I need other guys to trust themselves.
I need to stop.
I am feeling lonely.
I am angry that my mom chose them.
And she wonders why I haven't visited yet.
I probably wont.
So she got my folks.
But she wont have me.
I need love. So hopefully this works well.
But I don't want to have too much.
I couldn't love anyone.. ... or
this that. suddenly glaog is me.
suddently I have everyone's personality.
Even if one has paranoia , it isn't easy to tell one self
that "I don't know what the other person is thinking".
It isn't special. These morons didn't know any better
They needed family so much.
Bring that little guy over.
I hope I can do some damage . So they all look at me like
crap. and then they will know what they truly lost.
Don't need to give the abuser anything.
We need our boys in us to know we all are here.
We can tell our stories
We can get angry
we can live . we don't to live by anyone's rules.
Especially cowards like these.
So I just want to know who I am.
And I am getting there.
I just don't want all my dreams to come true!
I thank everyone who listens to me.
I would never have had all these insights had
it not been for the access of the internet.
God bless you all!
And those who have pushed through to give me
love and support ....and persistence in
loving one another
and helping me achieve true, real pride
in being human.
I cant do it all.
But I will do what I can.
hugs.
James
