i dont love you.

Sterling

Registrant
Hey,
this might put a smile on your face...

Two weeks ago I woke up with a bit of pee before more came out ..
I panicked!
Happened couple times in a row.
So I got scared, hours later I'm in a walk Mart looking at adult diapers
Thinking, " is this what my mid 40s are to look forward to? Fear of wetting my sheets?"
Pharmacist told me to not drink too much liquids before bed.
So I wore these diapers for a few days just to be sure..
I think I'm okay for now,
But the diapers are at arms reach!!
 

Sterling

Registrant
I want to like me
I want to like me..
I want to like me
" You will never like yourself,.."
" Who are you?"
How are you feeling James?
Who was talking to you just now"?
Cousin's mom.
I feel angry"
I would too.
 
You are a likeable person - learning to love yourself after these wounds is a difficult but necessary step in our overall healing. Keep at it. You are worth receiving love - especially from yourself!!
 
It is always a Healing JOURNEY - a process - be patient with yourself, my friend. Look towards God (or other Higher Power) and ask for guidance on the journey.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks NC. I hate this FN shit!!
Sorry for swearing.
Thanks for caring!!!! Everyone here.


I ,
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER



I go on Grindr because I looking for a parent
I picture nude men because I want to look like them.
" Noone will believe you" uncle says to me while laughing
My sperm donor didn't care.
I hate the town I live in, it's like psychosis
My landlord is a bully.
I'm so pissed
I want to move possibly out of this province
Don't know what I'm going to do
Learning is great . But this crap trauma.
Can't always give everything away.
I'm lonely. This shit really sucks.
this is too much.
I'm scared.
I'm just going in circles now sorry.
Thank you for this website and all the members that make this healing possible!
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Sorry I need to talk
I hate girls.
My cousin was my therapist when I was a kid. My sperm donor didn't care.
My parents were my dad's brother and sister in law.
I had to be the sick person.
Uncle needed love from his mom so he did everything to me what he couldn't be- human!
He wanted to laugh at me, so I'm hoping I get to tell my story somehow
so my sperm donor can spend the rest of his life with his neices/ son
What's baffling is he thinks that it's only natural that I feel jealous that he loves his niece more than me.
Congratulations you really are stupid .
Stolen identity. It's hard to do this all the time.
I would take breaks, but I hate where I live.
I moved into a new place a few months ago,
But people get jealous when someone is happy or confident,
It sucks! I don't come off with an ego.
My roommate knows little if my trauma and that I've been in therapy..
Get help for yourself.
Came to this city to relax and figure myself out. This town turned out to be/ feel like a mental institution.
People don't look at anybody.
If you're kind, have to be careful to not be too nice so they assume you're trying to outdo them. Piss off.
Not home, that's for sure.
I'm angry. How do I find myself..
I'm trying to be nice. Nope we don't like people being nice here.
That means something not healthy.
It hurts. I wanted my freedom.
Here people feel threatened if you are happy.
It is too bad.
I thought being sick was better, to help my cousin's when I was young.
I'm worried where I'm living.
Some of my food was missing today.
Everytime I get happy and get further, shit comes flying.
I'm not re-spon-sible for your mental health.
How can you not get that?
We don't care, you came here James we didn't want you here.
Wish I could earn enough money to get a bachelor pad.
People don't understand psychosis,
that my cousin's had me take on their problems early childhood
It's hard to believe in myself
I want my story and my sperm donor can go to his brother and live with him.
I'm trying to be kind.
This shit town thinks it's good to mess people up. It's so embarrassing.
If someone from the prairies or Atlantic Canada came to live here, they would go running back after couple weeks of living here- not joking.
I'm trying to be positive.
I'm trying to be caring.
Anyway much love
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
It's working
Where are you James?
I'm in my room in some city"
"What do you want?
Not sure. I feel angry I feel like I can understand other people "
"What can I help you with"?
I hate that question)
Worrying I don't know how to go about living,
Blank now I'm them"
Got to be careful with healing,
Noone can save me.
My landlord is hurting, don't know what happened to her
She doesn't like me
So move out!"
That is the plan. I didn't want to be a boy"
"Why"?
My cousin's wanted me to be a girl
I know this isn't happening now,
I feel like I don't fit anywhere,
I think my sperm donor is bullying my mom
I can't visit themi feel responsible for what he did to
my niece, I don't want to be responsible for him
My brother doesn't know
I feel worried. I know everyone is having a hard time with covid.. guess I just want to be free.
I guess I don't like learning..
" How are you going to continue if you don't want to learn"?
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Dolphin .
It helps to give me support.
I know you're all listening,
It's isolating where I live.
Not making ground on earning money.
Feel like I'm responsible for everybody
Scary, that I can't blame people around me
Landlord and roommate have issues and feel pressured to react.
Very lonely. I don't enjoy sleeping where I sleep - feel sick when I get up.


POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER


Yelled at me when I was a kid
Think I was pinned down to have sex with sperm donor and his brother
Somehow I became a female at their house
I'm embarrassed of talking about it
It's incredibly difficult living in a stressful environment
My boundaries aren't good.
People can get jealous quickly.
Thank God for availability of crisis lines.
Hate the people who messed me up.

Thanks again Dolphin
Love your username!
James
Thanks for all your support you guys
James
 
Thanks Dolphin .
It helps to give me support.
I know you're all listening,
It's isolating where I live.
Not making ground on earning money.
Feel like I'm responsible for everybody
Scary, that I can't blame people around me
Landlord and roommate have issues and feel pressured to react.
Very lonely. I don't enjoy sleeping where I sleep - feel sick when I get up.


POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER


Yelled at me when I was a kid
Think I was pinned down to have sex with sperm donor and his brother
Somehow I became a female at their house
I'm embarrassed of talking about it
It's incredibly difficult living in a stressful environment
My boundaries aren't good.
People can get jealous quickly.
Thank God for availability of crisis lines.
Hate the people who messed me up.

Thanks again Dolphin
Love your username!
James
Thanks for all your support you guys
James

you are in my prayers. I read your entire history.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Peaceful Warrior,
This garbage is endless at times


I'm doing well, but I'm scared.
Friends?
Don't really hang out with anyone where I live.
That's my doing, have had opportunities.


POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER

My sperm donor is kinda in me by
Never again.
A survivor had said this once on here and I echo him
" I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy".

I'm scared of where I live.
Troubling,.
James you be nice now*
Okay city.
" Don't you try to be smarter than anyone, we are watching you"
Okay, I'm not allowed to love myself?
" Nope!
Me * but I've been in therapy for like two decades.."y
"So? James you have to give that kindness away, you can't love anyone".
That's the kind of shit I'm dealing with.
My sperm donor needs me to feel him. I can own people's emotions
Yea I'm responsible for my cousin's, my sperm donor ...
James this is therapy...
So how do I always make sure that my roommate gets what he wants?
I have to forget that he is responsible for his history, same with my landlord?
James can't help you pal you're on your own, you're a grown man.
( Am aware nobody is talking to me)
I feel so lost why the fuk did I have to be a girl?
Why couldn't I get to play football and baseball with my brother?
Why couldn't I go into martial arts?
I hated barbie and Ken.
I'm pissed off.
Sorry it's just I feel stuck.
Nobody can help me earning money.
I can appreciate when someone wants freedom, but don't go to a kid, and if you have issues, it's not a bad idea to ask for help
Don't make someone responsible for your anger.
I wasn't planning on typing..
Sorry for some of this
Thanks guys ☺
And thanks Peaceful Warrior
Didn't mean to hang it out like this
Again thanks
Hugs
J
 

Sterling

Registrant
Nhy buj nji ( what's going on)
Pusst wuss. They said
I'm scared. I deserve more
I don't want to hurt my sperm donor
That's not right. This really sucks.
Nnnnnnnnn feel aggravated/ worried
Don't know me. Sperm donor is a loser
I had to want to be a girl
I don't understand. He can do what he wants
Nhj you can confuse us " they kept telling me how I don't know anything
Have a hard time. Bedtime is hurry,
Don't want to anger people
Don't want to feel responsible for them
Don't like that I can't get, can't, feel I can't heal properly BC of my environment
Oh you're just paranoid James
I know I don't want friends.
I'm not allowed.
Can't help you mom.
Hope get to tell my story
Disaaaocciati . Difficult.
( TOO MUCH INFORMATION)
POSSIBLE TRIGGER


Masturbating didn't feel right today
You need us"
Had no way out,
My own sperm donor
I need my freedom
WHO is stopping me?
Want to blame too
Never want to harm.
I can't be responsible for everyone
My landlord doesn't get, she makes us sick
Maybe if I figured this out
Hate going to bed
They got everything handed to them
Keep feeling bad. ?
Want to go crazy!
Thanks for letting me spill on here MS.
Well what the f should I do?
Go home!! Cousin's mom would say after they changed me
Noone cared.
46. Alone sucks but I'm nervous about who to trust
Hope you didn't mind this
Now get out of my car you little faggot! "Uncle said when he dropped me off after
Sorry guys. And thanks.
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Awkward.
Hey how are you?
( I don't want to ask)
( Got smacked for something)
Bad.
Cousin isn't bad , You Are!" says with a smile
Couldn't speak. Bhmjn I'm angry
" Move on James".
How do I let them win?
Sensations, feelings at bedtime before the first day of school...
I didn't want to be a girl.
Dissacioate. Don't feel safe.
Don't want the lights turned off
Noone will like me. Have to find a way...
 

Sterling

Registrant
Had a rough day
My mom isn't allowed to see me
My sperm donor don't care
Embarrassing that I have to parent myself and for my sperm donor at the same time
Moron!!!


POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
POSSIBLE TRIGGER




My penis is not supposed to be...
Blankets over me and changed my genitals
Doesn't make sense... ( to others)
Feel lonely. " Why do you have to make things up" my cousin said
Stopped caring about life.
My environment is really not nice
Don't know where to go...
Hard not to care, that's what my landlord wants to prove that I'm causing the problems
Pandemic makes challenging for her and my roommate
James can't be kinder" " he is the problem!
" Make sure he knows that."
Pray.
You okay? You need your mommy? Cousin's mother would say
Crying would be right
Can't feel trapped for my cousin's or my landlord

Hugs,
Me
 

Sterling

Registrant
They.... how and what is going on?
Feel lonely.


This can be very TRIGGERING
TRIGGERING
TRIGGERING



I don't want to watch but if I don't then I must be dumb...

Don't like knowing myself.
Feel upset. I felt better.... stuck.
I guess I'm mad I never liked myself
I didn't like being a girl.
My cousin's didn't want me to be kind..
I don't want to go there...
Stuck. Frustrated. I couldn't like anyone.
I wasn't allowed to think or go home.
I don't like my environment.
I feel like they took me and told me I had to want to have sex
Instead of caring I don't want to care and I believed everything...I couldn't speak
It bugs me I can't live. Or talk.
I feel upset. I get angry that I am supposed to be a girl...I feel alone and I have noone to talk to...I don't know how to make friends.
I don't want to be a jerk. I don't know what to do. Both my sperm donor didn't want to care about me. I thought I was going to kill someone.
So I became everything what was asked
I was dumb. Couldn't really tell my mom anything
I feel like I turned into a woman. Feel like my dick is gone. Person has to be careful...
Anyone can use anyone.
I was raised to be envious of them.
When nobody wants me I get desperate for love. I try the apps...it. Men don't get it
They don't have to, I get frustrated...
I don't want to go to bed yet
Get angry, complicated...boy girl,
I feel like a whore!
Crappy. Hhgfddthhhh
To the Cops : "don't like to want to be like them
Don't want to like to trust them..
Can you have sex with that idiot?"
Don't like to be treated. I'm not a girl
I'm not a toy. I deserve to love me.
I don't want this tonight
Please help...
Thanks
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Grt huh to nikki trying to get my words out
Lkjh eat. Frustrated .
"I can see you " cousins parents said
I took responsibility for them.
I can understand why I enjoy being alone...
I don't want anyone to be afraid of me
Don't enjoy sleeping...but I need to be brave.
I have my thinking and cousins . Was scared. I wasn't allowed to listen.
Sperm donor laughs and then leaves me.
This is great you're an idiiot! Smile on their faces. I was smart by helping them. Win.
I felt betrayed. I hate being scared. I never want to show my body again.
Don't want to hear laughter.
Where? Where do I go? I had to forget.
I can't just erase it all. How can they ask a child to want to harm people?
How can they believe this is okay to do?
I like helping, but my housemate is frightening. And my landlord.
James we won't let you...be confident or kind. " I'm pretty scared. This is really heavy. I got nobody here.
I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone.
So what is my plan?
Trust. Learn Patient Calm.
Don't owe housemate and landlord love and respect...they want to scare me? Fukem!
I don't like hurting people.
It would be nice to have my story...
I need to get this out.
I felt afraid of I say what happened. Cousins dad will be arrested.
I'm holding a, want to feel without going nuts.
Hate not enjoying life!
Want to laugh and have a good time!!
But my environment is frightening.
No lie
. I'm not YOU FUKHEAD!
I don't owe you anything, you coward.
That's the same with these losers.
I can't figure out why...there's yelling and threats to me back then...frozen...
Angry. Loser sperm donor.
Hope everyone suffers that messed me up
Wish to understand it now
Too bad we don't get paid for this.
Love,
James
Thank you MS.
 

Aether

Registrant
I'm not a girl
I'm not a toy. I deserve to love me.
Hello James. Believe it or not, but this is the very thread I first came across as a guest here on MS. This whole thread is the whole reason I even decided to make an account- after seeing the freedom in writing everything it was that bothered you- no matter how much sense it made, it was a will that was allowed.

You are not a girl and you do deserve to be loved. And you are certainly not any less than any of your abusers, in fact, you're more than that. You truly are more. In one of your posts you wrote that you never want to be like your "family", but rather, someone whom is kind and compassionate. You can be that someone, and I believe you already are.
You do not stoop so low as to harass or even hurt a child the way they've done to you. That, in itself, allows you some sort of high standard above those who've hurt you. There are countless victims that grew up to become the very thing they feared as a child, and from what I gather, you haven't turned into your own nightmare.

I have taken note that you crave sex, which is a common activity- it's not out of the ordinary as our bodies do naturally crave it. So that's okay. Whatever you like, you like. There are a lot of things that are beating you up as of now, but I really hope things will get better for you James, I believe they will. Thank you for even being on MS in the first place. My gratitude goes out to you.
 

Sterling

Registrant
First..
Hey Greg, so you don't like brenda ...
She is quite the bitch! She runs the show here .
So Greg can you tell me when James is kind and caring...what does he do that you want?
James has been very supportive.
I don't like the landlord but I don't want him happy...I need to mess with him.
He owes his kindness to me.
I can't have him be, ah kind, friendly.
Why?
Because. Why should he be nice?
Why is that okay? He doesn't deserve to be good.
But I did tell you. I want to keep it simple !
I do work around you Greg.
I don't need to tell you why i'm here.
I pay rent. I make sure I don't hurt you.
I wash all the dishes. I take out the recycling bin when I feel it's my turn.
If brenda upsets you take it to her.
Shame on you for trying to make me sick!
You are a coward Greg. Brenda goes in your room and in your fridge to take out spoiled food.
You should tell her what bothers you.
IM IN THIS TOWN TO FIGURE OUT MY
SHIT!!! I don't want to make friends.
I don't want this to be my home!
You get that fukhead?
I'm not doing anything to you.
You don't like yourself, GET SOME FUKING
THERAPY!!!
I don't owe you anything.
I told you when I moved in, I don't want anything to happen here.
I told you I have been in therapy because of childhood stuff!
I can fn kill you. You are not my responsibility...and I am not yours.
You keep your shit.
This cunt upstairs needs severe therapy.
She is using all of her tenants to push her mental illness out of her.
I'm tired of this.
( if I had a real parent. I wouldn't be here.
I don't like myself because my parents hated me. I live in a mental ill city.
I believe in bad luck. I believe the bad people get stuff too. Why couldn't someone stop me from going to my cousins home?
I'm scared. Who is going to deal with these people? Why can't they leave me?
They do these things where I'm responsible for their emotions and the fact that their angry or lonely. This isn't my problem.
Why does rent have to be so high? Why?
I'm not a girl. I shouldn't have been in girls clothes as a kid. They should have never used me to have self confidence and pride for themselves. I can go nuts on my housemate. He is such a wuss.
Now I'm avoiding any conversation with him. I have to give in because my landlord wants to take her rage out in a cowardly way...
I can't sleep like this. It reminds me when I was kid. I can't care more about these guys than my own mental health.
Why? Why can't they say...this guy James isn't doing anything to us, he isn't asking for anything, why can't we just respect his boundaries? Shouldn't we just leave him alone?
I can't hurt people for others
That doesn't make sense.
I just want to look after my healing
These guys don't need to know my situation.
I'm carrying on.
It's so exhausting.
Thanks for listening and caring.

Thanks Aether!
I really want to give you a BIG HUG.
Your words couldn't have come at a better time !
Thanks again.
James
 
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