i dont love you.

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, friend. But I want you to know that you're not ugly, and you are worthy of love, real love--someone to hold your hand and help get things steady. Just remember that the apps attract a certain kind of guy--the sort who just want a hook-up and nothing deep. Also, I've found, the sort who can be very judgmental and cruel.

I do worry about you and those apps, friend--I worry that your being on them is just reinforcing your struggles with yourself, in a negative way . . . that your experiences on there are creating self-fulfilling prophecies? Do you have any other outlets for social connections? (Here, for example?) I know that doesn't meet the need for sheer physical closeness with someone, but . . . I think if you're wanting to find a guy who wouldn't run, you know, who's looking for a deep relationship where that trust can be formed, you may have to look elsewhere than the apps.

And / or . . . How about meeting yourself halfway and looking for friends first? It's sounding to me like what you might want or need, more than anything, is just a solid, stable relationship of some kind--a really good friend, for example. Just someone to help get you through the rough parts. Meeting a good friend . . . taking the pressure off of the sexuality piece for a little bit . . . just focusing on taking other positive steps. Getting yourself some support.

I know what it is to be lonely and to feel like you're not desirable or that you'd just scare people away. Believe you me. You're not alone there, friend, not by a long shot.

I hope by the time you read this you're feeling a bit better. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, okay?
 

Sterling

Registrant
Where I'm at.
Frustrated. I try to ask what I'm feeling
But it's hard. I can't sometimes feel.
Cry. But haven't yet. Cousin gets in me quickly. I feel hungry. It's too difficult to do this all the time. I don't understand.
Feel mental. Stuck. Frustrated. Rage
Sick. Sometimes want throw my phone
I know I'm not cousin's. Th stupid cunt.
Feel desperate for love. Suck. Don't know don't want to be like them. Hard to know what is right.
Confused .
Thanks for letting me share.
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Jdylah.
Friends are good. My cousin's have had a disgusting mother who really fukd me really badly. The secrets are all in me.
And fukbig hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry ❤.
Really upset momentarily.
Thanks for caring and loving
Helps tremendously .
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
It's so messed up. I could go nuts.
I don't want anyone to care. That's not true
I don't know how to be... these feelings suck
I don't know who I'm to be
She really screwed me up.
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
I don't know who I'm to be
She really screwed me up.
I can deeply appreciate this, friend. I'm sorry, I'm a little out of sorts right now and don't have anything in particular to say, except that I hear you and hope you know that you are cared for and a wonderful person whom terrible things have happened to (which doesn't make you a terrible person).

Keep fighting, friend.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks for everything Jdylah!
Really overwhelmed at the moment..
Xo

I just have to write.
What do I do when my dad wants my cousin more than me
Cousin teaches me to do things
I swear I'm not who I am.
Worse is I know people don't appreciate me
Maybe I try hard to be the best guy I can be.
Just love . My roommate don't think he wants things/stuff.
You're mom doesn't want you" cousin's dad said to me.
I believed this. My sperm donor s brother would hold my hand. I was told he was my dad. My brain. I'm so alone.
Wish I could earn money and move.
Got to see my mom for couple hours last week. Everyone needed things from me
I'm pissed off cuz I think my roommate is half my age and he does pot. But I think he sniffs too.
How can I not be angry?
I take out the trash. I think my dad wanted my cousin to better and stronger than me.
Messed me up. I try to be aware of my emotions. But where I live is , can fuk with your mind. Why is it okay to get someone angry? Lots of drugs. I need to leave so badly. I'm scared my landlord doesn't get how it's very unhealthy for me to live with this kid. He can bully the shit out of me.
Reminds me of my cousin's place when I was young. This guy Dallas had no parents.
He shared that with all of us, who live here.
Every time I want to be better for myself and others some,. I couldn't tell my mom what was happening...I hate living here I feel so trapped! I know better is not. Better.
My landlord shouldn't put a guy who addicted to stuff and can/ will try to turn his problems to me. I never argued with him.
I'm respectful to him. I care but I'm not responsible. I don't want to be here.
Had to feel everyone's problems.
This is not for me! I feel like I'm responsible for this little shit. What do I do?
In order for me to get a new place I have to give first and last month's rent, to get my last month's rent I have to give a month's notice.
It's a terrible cycle what's worse nobody cares about each other here. It's very true.
Difficult to heal from my childhood trauma.
I wish something good would happen.
I want to earn my way. I guess I expect things to work out. Sorry. I came to this town, now I'm worried, how do I get out?
I could go crazy!! Compass.
Thanks for helping and caring for me each other every step of our journey!!
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Have had . Rage. Leaving me naked.
Grandmother . Blankets. I got lost.
Scared of who I became. Age 2 or
Feelings bring reality to.
Hate my body. I believed that my cousin's were angels.
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS




I guess I love looking at guys.
Especially the rear end. That went to bulges.
To certain celebrities. I know I need sex.
But I just don't feel like me.
I don't want to watch porn. Especially gay porn. I feel bad. That's it. Wasn't someone.
Get lonesome, frustrated, dumb
Thanks for letting me share.
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Blankets keep beating him tell him He's gonna kill his mom. I would watch porn and horror movies. Don't like looking in the mirror. I don't know biy c Don't want to be them. He gave me money today
I need to leave this place.
Also I worry or feel that using my phone doesn't help with being an introvert, my opinion. My thoughts get fkd up when he is around me. I wanted her cooking.
She doesn't understand. Cops will put me in jail. Something like that. Sperm donor needs his family. Money is bribing me.
You're a grown man. I know. I'm learning.
Feel at my thoughts. Nights are overwhelming. But you want to die.
My cousin says. I can't change any of it.
I could lose it! Hhdghrfg jjh
My story. I hate it that I need friends
But I want to move. My brain sucks
I don't want them. Wish I could go to them
Need to go to sleep. Can't talk.
Brings stress joy kraziness.
Feel like I don't know what to do.
Stuckness frightening... wish I never knew you... you are and won't ever come close
U don't. I don't believe cousin's
Hate sacrificing. When do I get to tell what happened at Billie's home?
 

Sterling

Registrant
Hhhhhhhhhhh
keep
Quiet
My didn't pn onf.
You so stupid..
Never tell anything
Greg bujj
Dhhh sorry to the young guy who I said " hey handsome guy"
It's. I wanted to move. What does that have to do with the young guy?
Sugar!! Hurry everyone blankets.
Blankets. Nobody can see you
You're my son." Biliies mom said
You're mine!"
Billie dad didn't want me
Who the fuk am I?
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks smc.
I'm pretty fkd up!
I think too much.
I am frustrated.
Push myself.
Can't stop myself.
Just hate myself, and blow up at me.
I tried to be like my sperm donor
Hated being hit all the time.
I'm angry a lot- hard to let go!
Don't know where my life is headed.
Think it's I have no parent.
I fell into some kind of trap. Uncle and aunt
I'm embarrassed of my mom. I hated her.
It's, so alone. Don't want to live like this.
I can't see her. That makes me feel stressed!
Thank you for caring .
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I have communication blank.
I never was to talk. I know nobody is doing shit to me, I can go crazy.
Doesn't help how people don't want to like each other in the city where I live.
Maybe I m , very angry at sperm donor.
I wish I could grab his dick and his balls and cut them off!!!!
I really fuking hate him.
So sorry. This website deserves better.
I'm so tired, ashamed of my thoughts
Lonliness and fear and stress and worry.
I don't know who I am and where I'm going.
Can't be nice where I live.
People here don't care about each other.
One guy I ran into last week.,..
He was talking out loud, I assumed he was on the phone,. But when he was very close I realized he was talking about me , to me
I said " hi how are you doing"?
He complimented me on my kindness.
I shouted out " we need more guys like you"
I wanted to ask his name. I felt like I was too desperate for a guy to talk to.
I am scared. I don't like this town.
People don't look at each other.
Everybody seems to have a chip on their shoulder. I don't want too much.
Why do they have to be this way?
Rarely do people look at me in the eye and say hi.
I can't fix stuff.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I hug tree for a very long time tonight.
I don't know. Tired of being dumb.
I don't like the word family.
Everyone can read minds where I live.
Very something. I've gotten more exercise , feels invigorating!!
Gay apps I should stay away from...
Few guys ghosted me hoping for a bigger dick. Funny. Just can't do much about that.
My brother and his family might visit me in a couple weeks.
What if he decides to bring my sperm donor?
I'm screwed. If I tell him to please not to bring him, he probably will get upset and he might change his plans. Which would devestate me.
It's hard never having a friend only in your mind. My brother doesn't understand this.
I'm sick of understanding people to be honest. I don't know if it's good to be good.
That's not true. But I can't be responsible for the shit I had to live with.
So tired of secrets, anger all of it.
Hard to know what to do!
Sorry if this is depressing SMC.
God bless!!
Thank you Malesurvivor.
Hugs
James
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
So sorry. This website deserves better.
I'm so tired, ashamed of my thoughts
Lonliness and fear and stress and worry.
I don't know who I am and where I'm going.
First off--no, friend--this website doesn't deserve "better". You come just as you are. That's what we're here for.

Secondly, I can deeply, deeply relate to the feelings of being tired, ashamed of one's own thoughts, loneliness, fear, etc. . . . I've been feeling a great deal of that myself lately . . . It's terrible!

And I want you to know that it's okay to be angry . . . It's okay to have those moments of wanting to hurt your sperm donor--there's a huge difference between having the thought for a moment, for a moment's anger, from a moment's pain, and actually in your heart of hearts planning to hurt someone.

Let me tell you a secret: when I was a boy, sometimes I'd wish that my mother (my primary abuser) would die. I'd lay awake at night and hope. As an adult looking back, sure, I feel ashamed for those thoughts--but I also understand the underlying emotions, the pain, that caused them.

So your thoughts of wanting to hurt your sperm donor--acknowledge those thoughts and say "These are thoughts I'm having because of the pain I'm feeling right now."

But don't get down on yourself.

You're a good person, James, who bad things have been done to. Don't forget that.

And I, too, don't know who I am or where I'm going. You're not alone in traveling that road, my friend.

Hugs back atcha.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Hard to care for me Jdylah!
I feel like I can be. I hate this so much.
What a loser my sperm donor and his family is/are.
Thanks for ongoing support Jdylah.
xo
This anger sucks. I have a easy time loving my sperm donor - " just eat". Stuffing my face. And I'm gonna see him?
What a piece of crap!! I'm so embarrassed to have a dad like him.
I can't get something done, I'm
" Go away".
Who am I talking to?
FN .
Have his sickness.
Hope
Home .
J
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
What a loser my sperm donor and his family is/are.
. . .
What a piece of crap!! I'm so embarrassed to have a dad like him.
Ah, and there's the difficulty--many, many people struggle with their fathers, mothers, families. Adoptive, donors, nuclear . . .

How do we get out from the shadow of our parents? How do we say, "Sure, I have their genes, but at the end of the day they're just people?"

We have such hopes and dreams around our parents, I think. A small part of us that wants them to be what "good" parents should. Or what a "good" family should be. And sometimes they are, and sometimes not, and sometimes both. And a big part of learning to make peace with that is just to say that they are who they are--which can really suck.

But we are who we are, too.

And in the end, how important our parents are to us--emotionally, mentally--doesn't have to overshadow us. Same with disappointment over family. They're with us, a part of us, but in the end we belong to ourselves.

Hang in there, friend. <3
 
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