i dont love you.

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Greyhound, and JDylah :) . I haven't been here in a while..
It's so hard to do this alone.
Below is my venting.. it's a rant
Just ignore. Thank you!

I hate struggling. I feel responsible for everyone. I know I will be told that I am not.
I just angry all the time. I may not show it.
Lonliness. But people would help.
I don't know what parents are supposed to be like. I feel ashamed. And ashamed of being ashamed . I keep thinking things will work itself out. Negative but, I don't think they always do. I just think too much.
But if I don't, who will take over?
I know it's depressing. I feel like I don't have much.. I don't want to make friends
But I do. I'm scared of my stuff.
I don't know. I keep going and going... it's
awful, crazy but I know I like myself.
I just felt like I had to be like my father, and his mom, his dad, and his shameful brother.
Hard to know where to go..I don't feel my body sometimes. I like that I can share here
Don't want anyone to care about me.
But. He is a phony, my sperm donor.
I that's where my mind gets stressed.
Not having anyone. I just made myself embarrassed. I he is dumb.
I just hope I figure this out.
Money is a problem. I always think something will work. That's fantasy thinking
Shame. That's all I feel. My dad's wife
(his second wife, who they fkd and needed me to shut up- ). I . I don't feel my body BC I got beaten up too much. And felt like it was justifiable to hurt me! That's why I shut off when I open up,. I don't know where to go
I am wanting too much. Just don't want to go back. I'm becoming me slowly... comfortable. Living with guys who do drugs,
It can be very unnerving to say the least.
I can feel responsible for just about anyone.
One more thing... my neice slept at my parents place few nights ago. I got very worried. I imagined driving over there to protect my neice. Don't own a car.
That's been really going through my head a lot since. I worry. That's why I don't call my parents. I keep having this conversation with him. " I know you abused my neice.
DON'T TOUCH THEM!! You idiot, kids aren't supposed to be there for sex."
" What are you talking about"?
Don't Play stupid! You learned shameful stuff
I want to text my brother right now!
She isn't responsible for you, you idiot!"
I have this in my head morning and night.
How do I get things done when I think this?
I hate thinking. I hate living in a city like this.
Nobody can help me. Everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't know what to do
I breathe, sometimes deeply.
I'm angry bout that I was used and my dad's stupid family got it all.
I know this is long...I need more in life.
Was planning to go to church tonight..
I know some people battle the flu. Debt.
They have kids to look after... some are disabled. I'm so fucking done. I don't know what or where to go. I push. But hard.
When there is nobody I can share this with.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Hugs
James
 
your writing is very clear today. I think that is a good thing.

I am glad you are staying in touch, my brother. Don't give up!
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
I like that I can share here
We like that you can share here too, friend. I'm with @NC-Survivor about your writing as well--it's heartening to see the clarity today.

And there's nothing to apologize for, friend. That's what we're all here for, no? To help sweep up the broken pieces and figure out how to put them together again, some way, somehow.

Hugs back atcha,
Dyl.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks guys NC, JDyal
I talked to sperm donor.
He denies everything.
I won't go back there.
Hope I see my neices, nephews some day.
I'm angry. Why?
I'm on these apps. I'm getting sick looking at them.
I feel I'm angry BC of my dad. I remember him leaving me at my cousin's.
I disacciated so much that I'm messed up.
I listened to him laugh at me.
His wife kept telling me sick stuff about me
How I kill people or how I like to love men
These guys on these apps don't want me
Do I want them to? Not really.
I need love. One app mostly men who are attached. They want to meet men same situation.
( Off to a another area)
My roommate scares me. The way he talks.
I just want to get the hell out of here.
I want this to hurry up. Lonliness.
Then I'm stupid. Then my cousin is like God.
Then stupid would scare me by staring at me. I fkd in some ways.
This hookup app. Has guys junk that make
VERY TRIGGERING
VERY STUFF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

moth watering.
I get so nervous. They don't show their face.
I get. " You're supposed to do that. Want that
Cousin isn't supposed to be that.
You are!! Love. Love. It's wrong to like yourself. Hahahaha.
You're such a loser. Like your mom.
Funny. I ended up watching gay porn.
It was not what I needed.
Jjgfdrtfffggh jjjj. It's them.
James their not in your room.
But their fukb in me. Somehow
Cowards. Hgjfdff
Police. I feel grossed out.
AGAIN VERY UPSETTING
TRIGGER

If I could just make love to another guy that I'm into , that would be great.
All these guys have self esteem that I don't have.
I was always confused...am I a boy or a girl?
I had to show my penis to everyone.
Course these guys on apps don't care.
Bitter of not knowing who i am.
Living in an environment like this makes me feel so worried.
What if??? I don't want to sleep.
Trusting is hard. Never had parents.
Never had a home.
This shit sucks!! Oh. You better not tell.
Police are going to get you."
What a dream childhood. ??
Hgdfhjjj
I wish there was an app for guys who have problems like me.
Need physical attraction along with emotional connection,. Shy.
Self-esteem issues. Talk first...
Nothing like that.
I should crash.
Thanks for all your support Malesurvivor!
Hugs
James
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
Hello James,

Goodness, a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. Apps are the dregs of the dregs. The guys on there are looking for a hookup, nothing more. I've known a few guys who've met and had long-term relationships from there, but most folks? Nah.

What you want--having an emotional connection, having a real relationship with someone either before or after you have sex--in short, a relationship that's more than sex--is absolutely not unreasonable. My therapist said that for all the hooking up many gay men do, that's not even what they want. They want closeness and to be loved . . . and yet the hooking up just continues. I think part of it's gay culture, I really do. Maybe not even gay culture in particular--it's popular among everyone.

One thing that I think is really important to remember is that I'm not sure the guys on hookup apps have great self-esteem. I think some are very self-centered, but at the end of the day most are just as insecure as everyone else--obsessed with their bodies or the bodies of others, afraid of making a real connection with someone, afraid of being vulnerable, making a show of embracing life via a ton of casual sex while holding life at arm's length, really.

Need physical attraction along with emotional connection,. Shy.
Self-esteem issues. Talk first...
Nothing like that.
Absolutely this. I wholeheartedly wish that there was something like this out there.

Maybe someday. We can hope!

Hugs to you, friend. Keep fighting.
Dyl.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thank you so much Dyl!
I feel less alone after what you shared here.
I'm so jealous of my dad and his family.
I earned stupidity.
I go on the app, then I feel angry, lost.
Can't keep going.
Sugar and my cousin .
How is that freedom?
Still scared. I feel stuck. I spoke to my dad a couple days ago- denies everything.
I feel so scared. I talked to a young guy, half my age, . I don't know if he was gay.
I am so horny it's crazy.
I don't know what to say...I just need another experience with someone.
If I'm too embarrassed that I needing love/sex. I'll never get laid, from the apps anyway. Some guys might think I'm sick
( Guys who I have flirted with).
This sick abuse, I haven't really done it all.
I can't say " hey are you gay? BC I really need your junk right now!!"
What, people can't do this for me.
If I come off too desperate, I could be abandoned! Do I ever hate my sickness
or whatever.. Sorry I don't know how to get some .. there's only so much one can say.
My junk isn't as big as other guys.
I crave confidence.
Thanks for caring!
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Today I....boom cousin's mom starts how I'm not good. Feel stuck.
What is Brad doing?
I can't live like this. I also sabotage myself
" I don't deserve to earn money.
Good idea. ? . I don't want to talk.
Scared..of? Not sure.
Brad keeps wanting. I can't fix his situation
I know the landlord asked/told him to leave end of the month.
But I get nervous any time I look at him.
He doesn't get his drugs are fuking him up.
Everyone wanted sex. I feel like I never got my body. I know weird.
I don't know if I'm gay BC of my cousin's
I feel so disappointed. My sperm donor would do anything for his shit family.
My brother won't take pictures of my mom and send them to me.
This shit sucks. What do I have to do with their mental illness?
I can't visit my mom and brother s family
I feel like an Alien.
Hot guy... you gay?
I have no friends here. Can you help me?
Make love to me?
I wish I could connect with a guy
Very frustrating. But life is good!!
Thanks for your kindness Malesurvivor
Sorry if I don't check out other posts that much. I have to focus on this crap.
Thank you
James
 
Thank you so much Dyl!
I feel less alone after what you shared here.
I'm so jealous of my dad and his family.
I earned stupidity.
I go on the app, then I feel angry, lost.
Can't keep going.
Sugar and my cousin .
How is that freedom?
Still scared. I feel stuck. I spoke to my dad a couple days ago- denies everything.
I feel so scared. I talked to a young guy, half my age, . I don't know if he was gay.
I am so horny it's crazy.
I don't know what to say...I just need another experience with someone.
If I'm too embarrassed that I needing love/sex. I'll never get laid, from the apps anyway. Some guys might think I'm sick
( Guys who I have flirted with).
This sick abuse, I haven't really done it all.
I can't say " hey are you gay? BC I really need your junk right now!!"
What, people can't do this for me.
If I come off too desperate, I could be abandoned! Do I ever hate my sickness
or whatever.. Sorry I don't know how to get some .. there's only so much one can say.
My junk isn't as big as other guys.
I crave confidence.
Thanks for caring!
James
James, I totally relate to everything in your post. I felt I earned stupidity even though I got good grades, told I was smart, even went to college. But no matter what I did, I FELT I EARNED stupidity. Just for being. Just for existing. Just for being a boy, a son, not the favored son.

My father is dead, and if you have read any of my posts (and totally ok if not) I'm realizing my father is a horrible beast who did horrible things me that I just shoved down and didn't remember. So I don't know which is worse--being denied or never being to yell at the motherfucker's face. I think you have it worse. I'm really sorry that happened to you James, and I am really sorry you feel like that.

And the apps are horrible, they crush your self esteem, your self worth, your self confidence, your body confidence. Judgment, judgment, judgment. The gay community just eats it's young.

Your body is perfect as it is, James. Don't let some jerk tell you something horrible. And craving confidence from what we went through is normal. And talking with us, we will help you. I want it, and you do too.

I care for you as much as everybody else does. Feel better James, take care of yourself the best you can, ok?
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks Fitz for your kindness ....I agree with you Greyhound that is so nice and beautiful. I really thank you, it's not easy to care ( maybe just me ) .
The way my trauma, just getting to know me.
I am not sure what I want?
I don't want to be an asshole to anyone.
Sorry Greyhound it's true I don't read too many posts. I get very worried easily
I am supposed to be stupid for cousin's
period. I still feel I haven't grown up.
I know people will be like...
..." that doesn't make sense".
But feeling feelings saves me.
What's hurrying is I felt responsible for my dumb father. These secrets. I feel like I never had a chance to be a boy!
So I'm ashamed of my body.
Hate to say I was embarrassed of my mom
I haven't cried yet. My mom is really wanting to see me. I don't know how I can
given that sperm donor abused my neice and wants to forget by me going there.
(Sorry for this long letter)
My roommate scares me. Crazy house.
I need affection from a guy.
I want to thank you Greyhound for sharing your thoughts on apps.
Thank you so much! I feel empty inside
when I hope I'll get a connection with a guy,
but it never happens. They won't help.
I don't know how these guys hookup...
Maybe I need too much.
I need validation from someone.
Looking in the mirror is difficult for me
I don't think the men who are on these apps are looking for the same thing...
Discouraging! Lonesome. Lol
Thanks you guys so much.
You are a dream come true.
Thanks Greyhound.
Xo
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
How to get laid?
Give me love? Friends? They need me to hate myself. I'm supposed to listen and believe I want and need to be a girl
When is my dad. ?? Gtu anger.. what do I do?
Feel. I care . But I don't want to. Care bout them. I'm scared. Cousin hates herself.
I . This is not supposed to be kind
Worry... about my thoughts...I don't care about me. So I go on hookup sites
W. I don't know. I feel ugly I want someone to give me attention. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I know I'm not smarter than them
But I wanted to be me. Loi had to erase Mme
and forget who my mom was
My junk. Jjggg something happened I suddenly I became what they wanted
My therapist can't change this
Maybe I should get some sleep
Hhggg I just don't want them
They aren't here right now
Why do I let them here? I hated her face
I hated her period! How do I keep going?
How do I keep wanting attention, friends I want..u don't think I'm a good guy,. That's not it. Why. We can't change you... you make up. Gtyu. Gender problems had to be like them. This. I had to fuck everyone up
I thought I would blank . I'm getting so tired
I don't want them. It's stupid how I thought I was good by being bad. My dumb dad.
Jcgjhj. Bgj brain couldn't understand why he thought it would be ok with this
Frustrated worry. I got laid last night
It was awesome. But not it all
I couldn't talk. I can't give my garbage away
I rambling here. I need to stare at hjjjj
I don't want to know me. How the hell do I hurt myself when I can't? I need someone to talk to. Sorry I got nothing to give money wise. I still want to check out the hookup apps. I feel hungry for men ... sorry straight guys . That's it
Thanks
James
 
I have been celibate for 17 years (though not by choice) - perhaps you should try focusing your energy on your Healing Journey - figure out how, on our current budget, to find the most Healing opportunities to help you overcome all the pain of your past.
 

Sterling

Registrant
I am so bummed out!
I had a new roommate for 3 days and today he left.
He is kind , caring and honest!
He found some bedbugs.
Landlord laughed at him.
My landlords don't care. I can tell this guy is a great guy; I wanted him to stay so bad...
I'm scared of this garbage.
But I'm trying to hurry and recover.
I don't want to blank blank.
My cousin's made my life shitty.
I know my therapist would ask " are they their with you now" no. But I'm stuck.
I didn't talk when I was little.. and nervous about it. I'm scared this roommate was exactly what I needed while living here.
Compared to the guy that was here.
People can change people... this place scares the crap out of me..
I don't want everything, but this is not what I wanted. I don't want to hate my life.
Things could be worse. But landlords, should care. You don't want tenants to live like this!
I know I'm not a boy... but it makes it harder to focus when shit like this comes at you.
I don't want to be like my sperm donor.
He didn't want me. I had to force myself to hate,. Bitter. I need a hug.
Don't want to be ashamed anymore.
Anyway thanks for caring.
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks for caring smc :).


I don't know what's wrong with me.
Clearly I'm gay.
I feel ashamed. I wanted parents.
I start looking to find a guy.
These guys on apps.... they shouldn't feel bad. I feel angry. Hateful.
Why is this so challenging? I don't want to be like them. I wrote. Suddenly I feel pressured to have to need my stupid dad.
What kind of dad wants his son to be a girl?
I'm so embarrassed of sharing this.
It's so. Lonesome. I would like to tell the cops. I'm so sick. I hate worrying.
Some parenting...I'm sorry. I don't know what I need. I'm too afraid.
I got this, tho. Just these guys on apps aren't knowing who i am...
They would run! If I could just say it'll be okay, but how the hell... I'll just call it a night.it. it's attention.
I hate him. Sick sick people.
 
No shame in being gay. I know that is easy to say especially for me now though I went through deep shame over it. Took therapy in my mid 20’s for me to not want to end things all from the shame I felt.

Finding others even to be supportive friends is what helped me but it was also like starting a different life. I still have regrets and remorse even at 48. I dint have experience with the whole app thing but I have a few friends that wish they weren’t so many people who just a hook-up. You a good person try not to be so hard on yourself. Easier said than done I know
 

Sterling

Registrant
Why would you
I don't want to look at me
I miss her
Why? I lost my self.
Who will hold my hand?
Who are my parents?
When do I die?
 

Sterling

Registrant
I'm doing shitty.
I'm not good. Mad at me
BC I'm ugly. Not my dad's family
I have to hate me.
Fres skill. Gey. Lonely. You make no sense
Why do you want us? Hit myself. Me fat ugly
my mom doesn't datn my. Very sup mva bye
Run highway want to leave. Brdh mko nhy trust me you need us. Sugar business won
Grw guy sucks how can I help me if can't be them. Sugar bgr brd murder nyobe buy us our thinking ...gay wgb nil brain .
Hyaw sugar, hre wher family bal nij nhg
Bar drink do drugs for Billie ern nobody, will
Htr alone this can get worrisome.
Nbbbb njgfg I don't want to give anything to them. Sik byyy by nvre die for noone
Keep flying. Bgd mov Liv changing yesterday
Only mkes me fkd up. I can't change Dallas
U can't Billie I don't be them I can fight me
Mary mut ng bh fgt guy mik Balu suck
Baf b gtt vgy just me me feel not better
Migc brri nhh bhh thanks for fth mgesuv
Mmnnjjb bbnnmmn mkj
Bcfg goodbye jhfdjj
Move
 
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