i dont love you.

Sterling

Registrant
date. but have no money. I dont want to lwork. dont want to live. ;asldjkf;asjkf
see how stupid you rare. area what my name is me.
my name is me. my name I sme my name is me.
o you cant my . ate you. I don't want you. and you are not
here. and you can sleep with them.
you aren't me. I want friends. gu. gut.
as;dlfjka;lkfjf asd;lfkj
I hate what my . am. this. you know wyou and you what they

did. how is that going to be better? howi can live like this.

I cant my sskdst. I cont want to be a girl this is messed. I don't own

anyone and I don't know anyone. mentally. I don't own anyone.

;asldjkf;aslkjf
ah. to earn money. asd;lfjkas;lkjfasdf
afdkl;afj
di t you a htdsfas;ldkjf;sdfd
al;skdfj fell feel. fell fell at ing you. staring tat you you ate youate

you ate yoau ate ouaute yuoua te I don't want to eat.

I want to love. lkkljkl;jkl;jkl; dsfdsjkl;dskjlsdkjld
hope you lie and lie. you are such a loser.
asd;lfkj dfdaslfkjdfsd;fklj
 

Sterling

Registrant
ifiguredouitnot not a gonurt
asdkl;fja;dkjadfkl;jafj;asd;fjk
I wanst allowed to be . yorgure. my
brain has to think for them. he is loser.
they are all losers, even my mom.
how can you talk tlike this ? ahhhh fuck off!
don't need ya.
but I do need moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
so I try focus groups.
"oh I know someone who earns full time pay doing focus groups."
yea. not happening. I have been declined 8 times in the past two weeks.
sign ? yea.
get a life. get a job.
my body. boy dyea. hearut. school. I don't want to go to
school. you cant even spell properly.
get your shit toghe. I am abou to hiet tmyself.asdf
adfasdkl;fjasdfkl;jadfl;kja
anyway. I googled donating sperm.
this guy made me allaugh. especially with the photos.
http://www.cracked.com/article_19497_6-terrifying-things-nobody-tells-you-about-donating-sperm.html


a giu was [ameomd ,e amd o tjpigjt ot was ,mine sperm donro. i had a panic.
im scared of being him.
shit nationality.
sorry ton sant mpis wnyone off.
sorry.
i can be smeart. i can spell. i miss grade 1 i miss the smell
i miss the blackborard. i miss that. once i thought. i had to sereperatr my self and only tink of bilie. cunt!
i never want to be mental for anyone ever again. too bad i cant earn money with what i ve learned.
i dont want my want you se e ite my dad. he istn you canlie all you want bitch.
if you cared. yo would bicit. you want them. i cant trust you. you like bilie so do way. stay . i dont want you
love him. i have to start over. the beinning. oh well start over.
i hate my mom. and that wasnt what i asked for. nobody let me love her.
they kept saying stuff. and his eyes i had to be scared of h im. he told me stuff. i think this is why i stopped everything.
i was scared that i would become him. that w why my therpai is different. i dont know who to go to
but malesurvivor is helping. even just posting ifeel like i matter. . actually a guy said referring to himseelf. i quote
sl;kfj; my brain gets dialougue quickly and it feels like everyone is listening. hmm. wonder why that is
the gentleman said " I am relevant, I matter" , and something else
i will never be a writer so let that go. i wont be a movie star. that can go. i can be a public speaker. my legs cant handle all that time.
what if they dont like what i say? what if i make people stressed , then ...sa;dklfjal;fjk
dont want you. you are not my father. and i dont want you. and i have my rights. i want to live.
i shouldnt be sorry. you all should be sorry. sl;dkfjas;djdfkl; a;sldfjksd;s;adlfjk hate feelings. sometimes.
hate hate. but thing is when you do this shit its hard not to. you dont want me. if you wanted me you would have stopped.
you threw me away. what about those times when you called me a pig. while eating. that fucked me up.
you want blowjobs get it from an adult who wants to. not me. dumb cunt! and then bozna.what aoub ther that bitch she haets me , why?
she didnt want me to have love. really. she dint. all you guys focues on helping bilie . that what happens. no more. i am scared of wanting
women. dont know my amgea.you. you want me to feel like a girl. and now what. my brother cant see me. he may be terrified. for his reasons.
my sisnter in law can be thinking whatever. i dont know her. i have to think like these idiots. and help them. you really fucked me up.
ipa shouldnt have to read this. or malesurvivor. why dont you fly around crying for help. needing a dad. you are proud to be a coward.
i feel ashamed of you. i needed one to protect me , not laugh at me. especialy at my genitals. i am very scarred. when are you coming to visit? try never.
if i see you , i will kill myself. i cant go see him. and you want me to think "oh this is your dad." no x that one out. he is nothing. he needs someone
he never let me talk. to not. wamy thiga. i dont know who to talk to. i am very lucky. very very lucky. i could have died. if it wasnt for my friend eddy in grade 6
and chaucer and primal therapy , meaning bob ,ipa , ms , will, shawn , jayme i would be screwed, its very important to be me grateful and love these
what if i killed my mom. all be/c your wife bozna hates her. and for what? you guys changed it all. all of it and for what . you see how you made me very mentally ill. and why ?
you don't know m beter. ? you want bilie to have it all. now what
you arelonley now you think of them . you don't want me youwantthem youa re very scik I could have dies ofr k illed. my thinking coultn work. your dad is gay bilie . you are pussies!
cops what are the cops going to do? of you poor guy. how did you survive. ? so you want us to go to your dad's brother's place and have him accept being gay. not happening!
why? cuz this isn't our problem that s his problem.
htat why i dont care to see you. i lost my mom since birth taht bitch bozna beat the shit ouf of me. you dont care. you want it both ways.
you want bilie to hav it all. and i get i no purberty. no friends. cant look at anyone in the eye. what the fuck ? how is i this rigfht. hope .
I wioll never look back. never. why doesn't bilile go to tell
my nieces and nephews that I cant see them. bucz of this.
this is my feelings. I am to feel their shit? .
i dont want to take care of them. aquit asking for help fuck em. let them go. i learn bye brother. fuck. this is my head. its hard to enjoy life.
they beat me up so they wouldnt beat their own ik kids up. they know this. biili knows this. that s why i hav rage. you dont care. you want me to eat.
that s why I cant see Darren or james. not happening.
i am not responsbile for this. i need dad. comfort. not beat me up. pull my pants down. this is terribel, this is shit. i dont even fit in support groups!
I can see how suicide is alive. I cant run from this. have
to dace it dahe on. cant read this
trust si their problem no. they want it all but they dont want to do the work in building relationships or knowding their mistakes. no what they want me to feel their shit while
eating. this is sick. I cant enjoy life. yes you can
fuck ioff go back home stupid. I don't want to know anyone
anymore.
asd;fljkasd;fjkl ksldfsdjkl;fsdfjkl thanks guys and gals here. thanks malesurivvor. wish i had money to give.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Hi Ra. Hope you are doing awesome. Don't like me. dthis iwswhy
cant site shit done. cant.
don't listen to that. I know ind tibey I don't know what path to take. I don't know things. as;dfjkd;fkjl df;kldjsdf;jkldfjkljdfjklsdfjkl
cant be perfect. as;djkf;sdlfjk sdf;kasjlfasdfaf
asdfkjsdf;kjsdkl;f asfjkas;dfj
It's just my tpga how di my voice. vreathe. breate. one hand my tummy on e on my chest.

remember yesetda sssion. these are just thoughts. I am not going to act out on anyone.

I am a good guy. I love people . just breathe. I don't have it all right now.

That's just a bump. it will be okay. breathe. . if I am gay. its okay.

I will okay I can be me. I cant have everything. that is good.

I have to learn to feel disappointment. and lonleiss. I am human. and its hard to be human.
 

Sterling

Registrant
need that money. I hate that bitciedsfjklsdlk;j
sadfkldsfkjl that why. wat my asd;flkjsad;f
asdfasdfkjsdf;kjldont hav 2 b afrasid of them
they nt cant y mu anmore. so what I don't need to be like them. just be .breathe. I wil be find. I don't my apetyou.
and mom taeicm eitck stupid lesbian bozo. says special so my mond would let in the truth. they don't like me. and that you that my dad didn't care. nobody wanted me. .
I do. I like me and I don't want to die. so fuck them.ca
 

Sterling

Registrant
thi shit is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
hard.

TRIGGERING.
TRIGGERING
TRIGGERING
PLEASE JUST LE T ME EAT.
FUC. IU.






please fast scerrte nme so nobody can hear me scream.
me he would br hijm psenis I me . oa t to cocnent trrate. h

el ike my

a md . then he would play w/ my behind.

I need to work. yea.
sorry. for bein a oo gooyd boy. asshole.
freedome.
TRUSTINGMYSELFISNTAMYHTHINGSIHAVETONOTHAVETOTH
INKBUTIKNOWIWANTTOEAT.IDONTWANTTOEATIDONTWANTTOLIVE LIKETHISME
DONT want toeat. want.y to. be i liked my self. andi wanted my mother.
help me. I need fiend. I need to . my want how this food. need to walk
need to learn. someone pleas help yourself. cant you want my thatou
to this for them. I nedont to look at men. I will never get this.
;salkdj;lskdfj ;lsajkdfs;kf sdf;lkjasdlkjsdf y'know my mentor in wpg said
to me once its about accepting yourself. I don't think t he was absolutely
correct. if you don't know yourself. and someone tell me that I amgay
before I learn to breathe. and more. just think how damaging it is to the brain. how much more than my child me know.? I cant speak. I had to eat. and eat and eat. and was told ol lies and hated me and beat me up and hurting me over and move to anct you. tell anyone what h was happening. so if I said " hey I just will go and have sex. , cuz I can accept my sexuality. how about if don't have a gender yet.
that's why I cant just litten and listen and listen. that's all my little guy did.. listen. I am not lie. for you. you can lie for him. you can you. anc you cant my thup them. food. and eat. and be broke all the time.
you need me. and I don't want to feel your sht. bye bye.!
I can understand how others don't want to be here.
sfsfdfdadfa
I love perfumes , colognes. senses of smell. I love smelling certain things. deep friend , food oblievarent my things. you need me.
you don't even like me but you like them. I am tireid of pictureing stuff.
I am tried if thatmy asd;fkjlsdf;ljds fsdfkljasdf;kajlf
asdfksdajlfds;fkljsdf
 

Sterling

Registrant
dkjfal;sdffdsafdsf dkd dkld ei d I feel bad.
a;sdkfjklf
thanks guys.



I met a wonderful woman at a bar last night.
Natalia. she is pretty. but her affectionate
personality , very charming.
She took a liking to me.
I told her I was gay. we were at a gay bar.
I went there to watch a football game.
north American rugby. I call it.
Anwyay.
She texted me twice yesterday.
When she left. I wanted to touch
TRIGGERING
TRIGGERING.

Patrick. the bartender
we had sex a couple months ago.
no regrets. didn't climax.


asked him if I touch his behind and his junk
when we were at the bar last night.
I got to.
and I kissed him.
I was very turned off.
I think .
;sdjf;sdakjfsd;fkljsdaf
af;kjdsfk;lj
life is good. but. I get visual that it not healthy.
I can come up w/ weird stuff.
so.
I guess. I just needed friends.
am learning that I am....
I just wanted love but .
scared.
ill call Natalia later.
she is so nice.
I guess I needed to put that here.
I don't know how to be. never had my own identity.
and I don't want to fuck this up!
thanks. for being real men!

j
 

Sterling

Registrant
want to know.
w are my not them.
branch one branch two.
smell me.
hear gaote. cry. needing
someone to share. nobody wants me.
I had to ama make me laugh at her.
they don't want me. and they tell me she is the
problem. that she is very sick.
run run. you wont see me aagain.


weniwaswboddyiwanttouchispenishwadtowakeinanewworld.theykepttellingmethatnothinghappened
heatdienthatyoutellmethatwhaamy wen iread or look at what i rite it makes me think that i willkill momen. he leaves
hedoesntwantyouhewantsbiliefeelangerpissedoffstartfakeingmylifeisothatwhyiwantedfriendsnoodycaredtheydidntawantme
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
This is support as best I can J, I am very glad you're still posting and trying. I still read and support you, always will. Your friend, Rick
Sterling said:
I guess. I just needed friends.
am learning that I am....
I just wanted love but .
scared.
ill call Natalia later.
she is so nice.
I guess I needed to put that here.
I don't know how to be. never had my own identity.
and I don't want to fuck this up!
thanks. for being real men!

j
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Sterling

I hope you run from those who torment or tormented, from those who hurt instead of helped, from those who laughed instead of comforted and protected.

But I also hope you don't run from your friends here. We care. We understand. and yes as trite as a politician has made the phrase we truly feel your pain.

So run away but run to. We care.
 

Sterling

Registrant
https://www.google.ca/search?source=hp&q=i+can+be+gay+for+you+dad&oq=i+can+be+gay+for+you+dad&gs_l=psy-ab.3..33i22i29i30k1l2.593.3649.0.3930.24.19.0.0.0.0.278.2326.0j8j5.13.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..11.13.2323...0j46j0i131k1j0i46k1j0i22i30k1.0.LVTs6ZrPtQk

asdfsdkfjldddkd
can be good I will be better I will be stronger. I don't need you. or you. but I do need some. left.right. focus. ineed to focus shwan may think. I want to leave that place. my healings. I wish this country covered deep tissue therapy. it so hard to keep it together. o wkr, I cant
I KEPT sadfl;kj things don't wan to veen thm eoci my to have sex.
I don't want to see any movied. it probley for the best. I don't want them.
I wil see my favorite cousin in a couple of weeks. haven't saw her in 20 years. but I my thoughts. I keep pushing to understand and repeat what they told me to do . and kitchen. I remember I remember my thing couldn't do anything they forced me to be a girl. I wish I could do something where each person says" he is a dick to tell the truth!!"
and it wont give me money. but he will give them friends. everyone can look ath them and say " right on , you made your life perfect. changing him. we deserve to have it all! NOt hitm.. so hit me. its no shock that I am very frightened of people. really. I was beaten by every woman. it is no wonder I have never wanted sex from anyone especially women. my mind couldn't di eals. with the sex. my mind couldn't let myself speak. they fucked me up so much that even my sperm donor was happy to see this happen. my problem was I had to figure a way to not kilil anyone especially my mother. so once that door opened. my mind had to focus on the smell of food. not bad for a 1 yr old. I think I can love anyone. anyone. but. I cant love me! that is what at liven that.. sugar is a purpose to think like me. or feel. I have to eat so anoyne has to love them. and nobody will hear what they did to me. so I keep going. my mom is a idiot! I am on her side and hse lived thism. the lilkes them. and so she feels "oh he donest know anything" and that is why you suffer. I cant be anything to you. I never got to have a childhood. I never even got to read .
never. I am aembaltte of this. I cant go see ty. I didn't know what I wanted from him an d I think I just wanted love. but he is scared to text. me. I don't want him in my life. I am not you. and you want me to be exactly like him you and biilie. I cant oyu. and scared wht if ppolice couldn't say anything? then wahat my don't accomadate for everyone. I enver had puberty. I never had anything. but food.
you can say what ever. I wilill always have some thing to men. something. and this is why men are scared of me. that is what it should be. 1. I cant love anyone. ( b/c of them. I cant touch anyone, bu of bile
men don't like me. I hear. some talking but I have to stare at this myeinc and I cnet you thiat my all a fddream. that I want you cant yuou am. and I cant you. . look at him. he is he here. I think of demons
you look like him " she said " you look like the deivl. " I believe me. I am me. I am me I am me. my name I s James . I don't need to have everyone in my life. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to use anyone. thing is I am very lonely. and scared. I don't know who I am. I am getting there slowly. maybe I should forget the bar Friday . what I am tyring to do . ? I am better than you. forget it. I have to just;kjadsf ;askldjf a;lkfjad;flkjdfaf;kaljdfkasdf;kljd
afa;skldjf;flkjdsfjkla
what I put my brother thur and everyone else. I hope you and
them die. I realy do. ;asdfjda;sfkjdfs
this is good work buddy. breathe. don't have to do it all now.

I wish I could tell her.
Natalia.
what do I want to say.
I wish I could kiss you. caress your breasts and more.
But. I may. I wont kill her.
that is bilies' mom crap! asfsdaf asdfa
asdh she cant scare me anymore. very few women are like
that piece of shit! good thing it died! I don't trust
b/c of this. sa;dfkjsad;fkjldsf;jklaflkj
This is soooooooooooooo hard to do.
I can see how people cant be my friend.
But I am getting more and more aware of my mistakes
and learning from them.
wont keep it in .
have hard time accepting gay . don't want to.
fakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
my mind says its wrong to like men.
sperm donor coldnt accept -they messed it up.
don't want anyone 2 fall.
everything 2 once ..heavy
that red iz awesome.
have sex . its okay u don't / wont y do they get it all ?
work . adfafsdf sue them . I wish
im not a grl.
cant change this. she is alone want 2 visit. gtfr y
coldnt I like women ? bullied mi
munipilated mi to h8t pipl . this all okay I am not them shit I made other guys frgthk kio
don't want 2 kno mi fakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
sex is heavy.
I want 2 make friends but my life isn't others
they have no distinction \between shit grandparents
go hom u did this bili sdfdfj yells ftg thu bhy
love you.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thank you Rick for being very supportive.
It isn't easy to be supportive all the time.

Thanks manipulated .Very inspiring , caring words .
I needed this!


You guys are incredible.
love you.
James
 

Sterling

Registrant
haven't been here b/c I have been in a hospital.
Just wanted others to know.
I wanted him. I may hal;fkjafdskljds
l;kkljsdf
thanks. for everything. maleusrvivor.
 

Bluedogone

Registrant
Hi James,

I hope the prognosis is good after your hospital visit. A hospital stay is never "a day at the beach"

Best to you.


Blue
 

Sterling

Registrant
Thanks guys. you .
I am feel loved.
even thou I cant see you guys
I feel li ess. jealous.
one exp.
one guy and I had a moment.
he came back.
this is really hard. it really is.

I wrote the following before I read
your kind and taking time from your busy
lives.
I love where I am .
but am I ever lonely right now
sheesh!



how are you this morning ?
here any voices ? hallucinations?
yea. I st want to hurt them.
I hwat want the m t o pay.
but!
I cant . I have to keep my mouth shut!
This is why I am here.
cuz I yap too much over the phone on ciris
lines. I da cant aeven spell.
I still neve money.
why cant someon send me some forgiveness stengs.
. I hate themsa;dljfksd;fkljsf;j
asdfsda;klfjsaf;lksjaf;lkafj
work. . I am scared of women.
size doesn't matter is bullshit!
that is like saying overcast is better than blue skies.
shitty comparison but...you get the jist ! ??
I want to go out.
go out.
;asjkdlf;alkjf;lfkjdal;fkjfkla
sdafkla;sdfjsda;lkj
 
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