I don't know why I can't be mad at you

[bey]

I want to be mad at you
But I'm just not
I want to hate you
I want to curse your name

I want to say fuck you
You fucked me in every way and it's your fault I'm like this, it's your fault I'm stuck and hurting, I hate you I hate who you made me and I will never ever forgive you. You never loved me, you never cared about me, the only thing you ever loved and cared about was you. I don't know how I could ever be so dumb to believe the fucking lies you told me, everything you ever said was bullshit, every time you said I love you, everything, fucked up lies. You are heartless. I am glad you are dead. And I hope wherever you are you know that I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

But I just can't.

So instead I close my eyes and imagine you lying to me
Your lies swirl around me so fast they become my truth
I love you, I miss you, come home.

I want to be mad at you
To hate you
To forgive you
To let you go.

But I'm still here.

 

[somaticfilter]

I feel the same way often. It's tough, isn't it? We're like robots programmed to be a certain way, even though we know it's wrong. The difference is that robots can't rewrite their own code. Keep fighting bro.

 

[bey]

Thanks SF
It's frustrating because I know how I want to feel, but my heart doesn't always go along with my head. I want to let my abusers go, but yeah, i feel like I've been programmed to be loyal to them and it hurts to even start to feel angry.
But yes, working on that.