I don't know where I fit sometimes.

I don't know where I fit sometimes.
D

deck

Registrant
I don't know where I fit sometimes. It's hard to figure out.

There was a Halloween party that some friends of mine threw tonight. It was a big shin-dig. They have been planning it for months. I had another commitment that didn't end until after the party started. I was prepared to hit the party but wasn't sure if I wanted to go. Actually there was a big part of me that didn't feel like I would fit in. I cann't describe why. I'm not really sure. I knew there would be drinking and dancing and lots of loud music and women. It's not an environment that I excel in. It always comes back to not thinking women would be interested.

After the competing commitment finished up, I went out for a drink with some of the people involved. I guess I was looking for an excuse not to go from a subconcious level. I thought Ill head to the party at 11-11:30. I ended up losing track of time and not breaking from the original group until 1:30ish which meant I would arrive at the party until around 2:30am due to the distance. Since I have an early commitment tomorrow, I didn't want to be out until all hours.

The weird thing is: I feel bad about not going but I think I would have felt bad/depressed if I had gone because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Like I cann't win. That others would want me there but they wouldn't. I hate feeling so lost.

I can be a friend but nothing more. sometimes I think that I will never even figure out the question!! Muchless, the F***ing answer!!!

Sorry for rambling- I know this doesn't make sense. I hate being a failure.
 
hey - we all get to that place -

when i am around people too much - they start to freak me out

and maybe - here's a thought

you said you don't 'fit in' - i think that's the point really -

none of do --- right? fit into what?

am i a cookie cutter? - is anyone?

who is setting this standard to make you feel not ok with you? - i wonder ... is there
one person making you feel bad about you?

is that person outside you?

we all get nerves and

yes none of us really ever 'fits' -

there ain't no such thing -
 
do what's right for you

what's taking care of you best -

maybe the fatigue of the late night

started to make you feel some paranoid stuff

it happens to me - sometimes -

or maybe you couldn't say what you wanted

like - i just want to go home - i am tired -

and this partying crud - is boring me tonight -

eh?

why not?

it's just one night - peace
 
Don't worry man, I don't fit in either. I can pretend but I am usually uncomfortable as hell. I prefer smaller and more personal settings and try my best to stick with what is comfortable. Over time I think you will find quite a few things that you are comfortable with. Not everybody needs to feel comfortable at big parties, nor do we all need to stay up all night.

If you can be a friend you are not a failure. It is what every good relationship is built on. Practice being a good friend and the rest will take care of itself.
 
I cannot answer it, I feel exactly the same, and it sure sucks.
I am not short of people who like me, but deep down I am thinking, who would want to know me.

I just head in my own direction, seems you are too, but I hope it gets better,

ste
 
Thanks guys- I appreciate it. I was thinking about this last night when I couldnt sleep. Insomnia again.

Part of it was, at least for last night, that I felt that I would have been a detrement to the occassion. That I would have melted into the wall and drank way too much. I'm very big on self medicating. Basically, that I wouldn't have been very social. I don't want to drastic others from their good time. A part of me really did want to go, if for no other reason then to support my friends, but I really don't know if I could have handled it last night. And ruining someone else's night is just not very cool. They've been good friends and they have been supportive of me. Last night was very important to them and I didn't want to take away from that. I worry that they may be mad at me because I told that I would be there and I think they would have liked me to come. They have been so supportive of me, I wish I had been more supportive of them in something that was important to them.

I wish I had a better grip. That I had a better understanding of my emotions and could reign them in a little better. I do have some idea of what brought on these feelings from my earlier commitment. It was outside of my control and the control of the people I was working with. I was feeling a little down before the incident but still thought I could handle the party-or at least a quick hello- so I was ready to go. Then something happened, and in a way, it wasn't that big a deal but it really kind just brought me down. And as time went on, I couldn't get it off my mind and it kept getting worse. Making me angry/upset/depressed. I don't know why I was able to handle the drink and the discussion after the my original engagement. Although they are a great group-and a couple of them are becoming good friends, I don't really know them as well and was probably more guarded. And the alcohol wasn't as inexpensive at the bar as it would be at the party.

My friends worked very hard to make this a good party and they are known for their Halloween party. I feel bad because it seems like I lose all the way around.

I'm sorry for the rambling. I wish I could make more sense.
 
deck,

Your tale sounds familiar. I think it's our way of protecting ourselves. The pain of not going is easier to handle than the pain of feeling alone in a crowd. Better the devil we know than the one we don't.

I've struggled with this issue over the years. I still feel somewhat out of place in a crowd, but have found that if I force myself to engage someone in conversation, I end up involved to some extent in the event, and actually feel good about myself. Still feel a bit odd, but not like the three-headed dog.

Lots of love,

John
 
People have been stepping on my emotions recently and got hurt.
I told them to back off, and they did pretty quickly.

I am pretty quick thinking and can make them feel very small, and they say OH, I didnt know or some other excuse, trouble is, I let them walk all over me, then explode and tell them why.

Too late, I have sussed you out, dont change, I already know where you are coming from.

I live in an area with a dog rescue centre, and a lot of the dogs have been rescued by good ppl.
Those dogs dont trust anyone, but after a few times they really take to me.

If I had any money, I would rescue the lot and give them all a good home :)

ste
 
Part of being a male survivor is that you don't want to let people see the little scared boy that is in all of us .
Not wanting to be around a croud of People is a normal part of most of our personality traits
It comes down to trust issues . I have a hard time makeing friends because I think that people will think that I am some how diffrent because of what I experenced in the past. I still have problems trusting people .
If you are not compfortable in certain cituations try and avoid them .
 
Deck,

As I guess you can see from the answers of others, what you are going through isn't all that unusual among survivors. "Fitting in" means dealing with and being comfortable in social settings, and that's often very difficult for guys who have trust and self-esteem problems.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't worry or feel bad about missing the party. Perhaps a safer way forward for you would be smaller and less frantic gatherings with people you know well.

So often, Deck, it's the progress we make with the small steps that proves to be more enduring in our recovery.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks for the support guys. It seems like so many things are weighing on me. I just wish I could figure things out. Why do things have to be so hard? I just wish I felt more normal.

I just got off the phone with a good and trusted friend who went to the party. She was supportive and concerned. She said that she thought that I would have enjoyed it and said that several people asked after me. I still feel bad for missing it but I don't think it would have been a good idea to go.
 
Deck,

Why do things have to be so hard?
Click to expand...
Certainly and absolutely NOT because of any defect or failing in you, my friend, but because the sexual abuse of an innocent defenseless child is one of the most horrifically damaging things that can be done to him. The physical harm ends, but the emotional devastation reverberates on into adulthood.

Much love,
Larry
 
Yeah, its like this with me, I want to be friends and show a lot of love and friendship, but deep down need to be alone.

Its a protection mechanism that we always used in situations of friendship, like if we go back to being kids and learning how to make friends then for some reason they break off, and you go home wondering why your friend doesnt like you anymore.

You wrack your mind wondering what you did, or who said what, and all that with a whole load of other shit going on with it all, you just cry and think, just stick with friends you know.

This is a normal thing in childhood were kids make and break friendships, but if you are abused and reach out to make friends, it is far worse because your mind cannot take it.

You constantly blame your abuse or moodiness on losing friendships, and eventually give up, or try and influence others by doing things you would not normally do.

Basically its like a little kid who made so many mistakes in making friends often with the wrong outcome, that brings you to the man who cannot trust friendships in case they mean nothing, or at worst turn against you.

This is a massive subject,

ste
 
Thanks again guys...I know I have friends and trust is definitely not something that I easily give over. Sometimes it is hard for me to judge who I can trust and who I cann't. I do have friends but sometimes things just seem so complex. A good friend told me that I am expecting too much too soon. I guess I just want things to be more even keel, to feel like I have a grip. I do want relationships, to feel better about my life and my accomplishments. I don't know....
 
Deck,

I don't know if this will help, but I have found that in my own recovery it's difficult to discern the progress because it comes so slowly - but steadily too. What happens in my case is that suddenly I see that I haven't done something or had a specific problem for some months. It just slowly faded and I only noticed long after it was gone.

Hypervigilance for example. I noticed only recently that I don't walk into a strange room and scope it for exits and wonder how can I get a place to sit near the door. And I don't watch my T like a hawk, trying to think why she's sitting this way or that. I'm not saying I'm done with this problem, but it sure is better now than it was a year ago.

It's natural to want it all - now. But do appreciate the little things as they come. That's important too.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry... I know that I am doing better at some things. I know I need to have a certain level of patience but it's just so aggravating. Sometimes things seem fine, even good then -just like that- everything just comes crashing down. It seems like I cann't turn my mind off and everything is just going. I get by myself and I just plummet to the depths. I feel like I will always be alone. and that scares me. and it makes me angry. who would want me?
 
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