I don't know what my role should be

I don't know what my role should be
T

Trish4850

Such a long story and I don't really know where to begin. I'll try to keep it as focused as possible.

I met a man 4 years ago and fell in love, deeply, hopelessly in love. He told me about the abuse by his mother several years ago. He was drunk when he told me and didn't remember doing it. I know this not because I brought it up, but because several months later, he told me again as if it was new information; again, he was drunk. He was a physical and emotional mess both times and both times, I held him and assured him that he did nothing wrong, SHE was the animal. After his second revelation, I tried to talk to him when he was sober (which really is most of the time) but he couldn't do it. He knows how I feel because we've had the discussion about child abuse and harming a child in any way on multiple occasions that didn't deal with him. It's one of the few issues in life that makes me so angry I can't see. He knows that because I told him, he knows that I would support him, love him and help him in any way I could because I've told him.

My boyfriend is a walking, talking text book case of an abused man in many respects yet he is also the most conflicted man I know.

Two weeks ago, I found out that he had been seeking, meeting and sleeping with other woman he met on-line. The gory details don't belong here. With my heart broken and my trust shattered into a million pieces, I left him. I contacted him twice before this past Thursday night, once only 2 days after the break to strike out with every ounce of anger and hurt in my body and once by e-mail to tell him what he'd done - he never reached out to me.

On Thursday, 10/13 I went to his house just to listen and get an explanation or maybe just to finally end it like an adult, not a crazed lunatic. What I found when I got there was more heartbreaking than anything I could have imagined. He told me so many things, through almost uncontrollable tears, but the one good thing is that he is now in counseling, twice a week and attending survivors of incest meetings almost every night. We cried together for hours.

Here is my problem, I love him with all of my heart and I want to help him, but I am still hurt because of what he did to me. In my brain I know it was a symptom of his own pain, but my heart has to heal. I stopped at his house last night when I knew he wasn't home to see our dog and let her out.

I'm so confused and in such pain because of his pain. This man that I love so deeply has no one to turn to because he's kept everyone distant for his whole life. I am the only one who knows. For as angry as I was at him, I did not and will not break the confidences he told me. I don't know what to do and what my role should be to help him.

Last night after I fed the dog, I left him a note telling him he wasn't alone and that he could call if he needed to.

I've read alot of posts and they all seem to have a similar theme in that loved ones should create a safe place for the survivor. I want to do that, but in our current state, I can't.

He said his counselor told him not to try to contact me. I suppose that makes sense because she doesn't know me and probably figured I would do more harm to him. That's not the case, I don't think. Should I ask him to take me to a counseling sessions or at least allow me to speak to the therapist? I don't need to know anything he is not prepared to share with me, but I do need to know what I should do. 2-1/2 weeks ago, my role would be clear to me, now I'm so confused.

If anyone has any guidance I would really appreciate it.

BTW, I want to tell my love about this site, but he's staying off of the computer to avoid the sexual temptations so easily found on the web. I'll find a way I hope when the time is right, because from everything I've read, this is a healty place to be.
 
Trish,

I have posted to a few other threads in this forum recently and don't want to repeat myself. So in a way I am building on what I have said elsewhere. I don't post this to excuse anyone, just to put a word in on what the whole mess is like.

I was abused by a Scout leader from the age of 11 until I was 14, something like once a week for four years. About a year after it ended, a friend of my Dad's bought a house and wanted to rent it, but it needed a lot of interior work, especially painting, and he did not have the time to do it himself. It was summertime, so he spoke to my Dad, then to me, and offered me what seemed to me a fortune to paint this house.

I was shocked not because of the money, but because I automatically assumed that this was a come-on. He wanted me for sex and the house was just going to be the place; there would be no painting. I thought wow, I didn't know he liked me that way. I immediately accepted. But when I got to the house, lo and behold, there were brushes and rollers and cans of paint everywhere! I thought oh okay, so it IS a real job, alright. But I felt somehow rejected, not wanted, and I wondered what had I done wrong.

I tell you this to illustrate how abuse can totally mess a boy up. Other kids are learning the social skills they need, they are discovering how to maintain and protect their boundaries, and they are developing important emotional tools; all that is what they need for adulthood. The abused boy, on the other hand, is learning to accept and act on every possible negative idea about himself, the world, and his place in it. I was ready to do anything with my father's friend, though he had never ever shown the slightest inappropriate interest in me, because I thought that's the only reason he would offer me the job. It never occurred to me that I was actually a damn good painter, or for that matter, a good anything else except sex toy. I was embarrassed at my error, but not a lot; I was numb and didn't really care much. All this I had learned from four years of abuse.

My point is that a lot of survivors have been doubly hurt. On the one hand they have been sexually abused, and on the other, the abuse has robbed them of the resources they would need in adulthood to cope with what happened to them. I am just a guy on the same road, but from what you say it sounds like your boyfriend fits this pattern perfectly. The resources for coping are just not there. He wants to tell you, but can only do it when he is drunk. He fears that he will mess up his relationship with you just as he messed up the relationship with his mother (survivors blame themselves a lot), so what does he do? He acts out his prediction of failure with women he meets online. He didn't respond to your efforts to reach him because he may feel totally worthless and beyond hope. And on and on.

As I said, I am not trying to excuse how he betrayed you; I am just suggesting all this desperate behavior comes from the same well. I think this is worth knowing for anyone who is in a relationship with a man in this situation.

What to do? I can't possibly say. There are so many kind and compassionate partners here, and I think what you need is input from another woman. One thing that is 100% clear here is that you have your own hurt to consider. It's not just about him.

Your boyfriend would indeed benefit from coming here. It is safe and the support and understanding you get here are great. The sexual temptations of the Internet can easily be eliminated by installing a blocking software like parents use to keep their kids safe.

Take care Trish,
Larry
 
Thank you Larry. You and the other survivors here are a brave lot. The fight you continue to fight on a daily basis is not one I can fathom. I can only feel the pain of loving someone in so much pain.

I called my boyfriend tonight and just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago. We were sad and crying and he told me he just didn't want to be around or talk to people right now. I told him that was OK and that I would not call again, but that I loved him and that anytime, day or night, tomorrow or next year, if he called, I would answer.

I can't help but feel that it may have been the last time I speak to him and my heart is breaking. Not only for my lost love, but for the little boy I couldn't protect.

I want so badly to make it better for him, but I know I can't and that's my pain.

I need to lie down now and cry a good cry, but I wanted to thank you.

I'll be back............Trish
 
Trish,

You are a good woman in my opinion. Just the fact that you reached out to this website indicates that you really want to help your boyfriend. I've had girlfriends who would never have considered even looking into resources to help me.

There is so much wisdom in roadrunner's post that I won't repeat. The only thing I might suggest is that you try to see his betrayal as something that doesn't reflect who he is as a person. When I confessed past wrongs to my girlfriend, she acknowledged my mistakes, but reassured me that they didn't mean I was a bad person. Her response didn't let me off the hook and it didn't miminize the impact of my actions, but it kept me from spiraling downward into my pattern of thinking that I'm the worst person in the world.

Thanks again for being a supporter and for your kind words for survivors.
 
Trish,

Can I come back to your second post? As I said earlier, this isn't just about him. Okay, let's start with the fact that he is "acting out", as we call it, and not trying to hurt you. Still, he DID hurt you. You have been dragged into the circle of suffering that started with his abuse. Your trust in him has been broken just as his trust in his mother was broken years ago.

Have you given any thought to what YOU need and what YOU want and how YOU would like to see all this get resolved? You speak of your intense love for him, and Trish, I so admire you for that; you are such a caring woman. But what is he to read into that? After what has happened, would you or could you ever take him back? If so, under what conditions? Could you ever trust him again?

What I am getting at is this: Suppose he wants to reach out to you and come back. That will take an incredible act of courage unless he knows whether you want him back or are only prepared to be friends. The signals I see in your post are mixed: you speak of your lost love, but you also indicate you still love him. I know you are speaking with a lot of feelings of pain and loss, and I wish I were there to give you a huge hug. I'm not blaming you at all, just saying that as emotions and feelings pour out all over the place, the real signals both ways aren't very clear. Maybe neither of you are sure what you want or can do, and that would be a natural and normal reaction to this terrible situation. But if you can, perhaps give some thought to what you want and need and can do, and try to get him to see this.

I am absolutely no therapist, but I'm not sure I would leave it to him to make contact with you. He is in such a bad place, Trish, that he may not be able to do so. I can't explain it and certainly I'm not trying to justify here, but sometimes this crap is so bad a survivor is just paralyzed emotionally. I've been there, and that's the only way I can put. It's just terrible, almost suffocating.

If you can write to him, I think that would be a good idea. You can always reread the letter, change it, and decide whether or not to mail it. And when he gets it, it is up to him to read it and think about what he reads. And he can always reread it later. That would give him the assurance that you regard communications with him as still open. In this way both of you can watch out for your boundaries and feel a bit safer.

Trish, have you talked to anyone about this? Your doctor? A spiritual advisor? Trusted friends? If you can reach out at all in the real world, don't sit alone! That just makes it worse.

I may be idiotically naive, but I see so much love and compassion here that I wonder if things are not as lost as you fear. Putting the relationship back together would require some honest talking and guidance from a therapist, but perhaps it is possible. But those are matters only the two of you can decide.

You say you will be back. I hope so Trish.

Take care,
Larry
 
Hi Trish,

You sound like an amazing person. I understand how hard it is to have to be away from the person you love when all you want to do is shower them with love and make their pain go away. My husband is a survivor and he and I have gone through our share of tumultuous times, long before and after his realization and disclosure of his SA. There were times when he pushed me away and it hurt so much. Before we got married there were months spent apart, serial breakups, and arguments my husband now calls spectacular. It is not easy findng the way to fit together, to make a life together if that is what you are looking for. But I recognize something that you are doing that I always did too, and that is making sure that your boyfriend knows that you love him and that you are there for him when he is ready. When he is ready to come back to you, set boundaries. Let him know that you love him with all your heart but that you will not allow yourself to be treated badly. That you do not deserve that. That even though you love him, you will not make a life with someone who cheats. That trust should be the foundation of you relationship. That you are ready to give him all the love and support you have to give and that you will always be there for him, but that in return you expect to be respected and loved. Tell him that it is going to take time before you can trust him again after cheating on you, but you are willing to work at it if he can make a commitment to you. He needs to know that you are his safe place, but also that you are a human being who deserves to be treated well. Don't be afraid to put some conditions on getting back together, for the sake of self preservation. When your basic needs are met, you can move confidently forward to support him in his recovery.

Larry provided so much wisdom in his posts. I am new to this site, and can only offer you the benefit of my own limited experience. But I hope this helps. If you can, see a counselor, preferably one who specializes in trauma. If your boyfriend reaches out to you, suggest seeing his counselor together. In the meantime, try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and where you are going. I hope that this works out for the best for you, because you are obviously a good person with alot of love to give.

Take care,

Bluebird
 
Thank you thank you thank you - again. This site proves that for as much pain as survivors have gone through and continue to go through, you are people - good people with real pain. The amazing thing is that you can see the pain that others suffer and reach out to them - to me. It's amazing.

I woke up today after a night of tears and came straight here. I read your additional responses and cried again. Then I decided to take shower and come back to tell you that today, I will do normal things. I will go grocery shopping, clean my house and maybe see a friend or family. I will think about my b/f, but it will not be all consuming. I've done that so much for the last few weeks that I am weak in body and in mind.

Larry, I like your idea of a letter because to write and "purge" is relaxing and healing for me; it always has been. I think I'll take a good deal of time though. It may start as a diary of sorts and all of the good wonderful things about the man I was going to live with and marry and see where it goes from there. My b/f always told me that he was amazed at how I gave my love so openly and honestly and easily. I told him he was crazy that that's what people in love do - they just love. At those times, I didn't truly make the connection that his amazement at something so natural was a reaction to the horrible un-natural horrors that he had suffered through. Now I know and now I will deal.

Larry, you said:

What I am getting at is this: Suppose he wants to reach out to you and come back. That will take an incredible act of courage unless he knows whether you want him back or are only prepared to be friends.

I don't know the full answer to this because of the pain of his infidelity which is my problem to work through. I do know that he was much more than my lover and b/f, he was my best friend. I respect him for the person he is and the things he has overcome to become that beautiful person. Had we not become lovers, we would still be friends, of that I'm sure. With time, I will find the answers and the way to heal my pain. I can only hope that he will let me into his life so that I can be there to help him through his.

I'm going to go live my day now, but I've found a home of refuge and I thank you for that. You can be sure that my letter will include this site and a strong encouragement to come here, if only to find that he's not alone.

Much love, respect and thanks.......Trish
 
Trish,

I think you are doing the right thing: make some time for Trish today!!!

I do hope all this works out for the both of you, but Bluebird is SO right. At some point, if it turns out that you both want to stay together, you will have to be clear about boundaries. I am a survivor and I can tell you this hurts more than anything I have ever experienced; some days I am just a total mess, and I just can't do any better somehow. But it is no good for the survivor or his partner if the old "abuse excuse" is allowed him as a kind of trump card. A relationship has to work both ways, and you need to feel safe and secure from becoming any more the new victim of his abuse than you already are. And it will be devastating for the survivor as well; further episodes will just be new acting out and will confirm all his bad feelings about himself.

Bluebird, could I comment just a bit on your advice concerning counselling? Going together, yes, absolutely, but maybe not at first. My wife and I had trouble years ago, basically revolving around me being emotionally unavailable, and we sought help with this. We went together and the result was a disaster. There was so much pent up emotion and frustration, and she was raging while I stewed and fumed and wished I could sink to the center of the earth. It took us MANY hours of further help just to get back to zero and start all over. If I had to do it again, I would suggest going separately at first. Let both sides agree on this, then the first session or two each party can just let loose and get it all out. A lot of these emotions are just so raw and powerful, and they need to burst out without the person worrying about saying "the right thing" or causing new hurt. But yes, as soon as possible get help together.

Just a thought as a mouthy amateur :) .

Take care,
Larry
 
Hi Trish

My boyfriend of nine years also struggled with the "sexual temptations of the internet" although he never met anyone in person. In our case, it was my discovery of the acting out and the conversations we had afterwards that prompted him to disclose childhood sexual abuse. His insistence that the two were connected sounded strange to me at first and it is a great part of what led me here in the first place.

I have no personal knowledge of this, and I hope someone will jump in and correct me if I am wrong-- but if your boyfriend's group is for sexual addictions (or if his therapist feels he has this kind of problem) it might be that he was told to avoid any kind of sexual contact for a time. This might be why he is not communicating with you right now-- especially if he doesn't want to tell you what kind of a group he's in.

If he's trying to keep himself off the computer, I'd encourage it, and NOT direct him to this site right now. I think those filters are more helpful for people whose work or other committments prevent them from giving up the computer entirely. He's making a statement about his boundaries and where he needs to draw them to keep himself safe and you should respect it. Using a forum like this where people are sharing their stories and bonding quickly can get complicated for survivors who are used to developing inappropriate "close" relationships with other people online.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself today.

SAR
 
Trish

Theres not a lot I can add to what has been posted above but I can tell you that I was in exactly the same situation as yourself 3 months ago except my partner had been having sex with men not women.
He is in therapy and I am trying to find a therapist whom I can see for me but we also went to couples councelling. This helped enormously because there is so much pain, anger, doubt etc... etc. and it was a safe place for us to talk to each other with a trusted therapist there to help us. He may not be able to cope with two doses of therapy going on in his life but if he can and was willing to give it a go it could help you both.
The couples councellor we are with knows all about the CSA but doesn't give it room in the couples councelling sessions. Its about us, our relationship and how we communicate with each other, we both agree that its the combination of the two different sessions which has brought us back together relatively quickly and apart from my own fears of him rejecting me if he is actually gay we are really very close and happy. This is only mine and my partners very inexperienced opinions, I've confered with him just now, but he thinks our relationship is one of his "healing tools" and that it is massivly important to his healing and us being in councelling together has helped that tool to be as effective as possible.

Thinking of you

Love

Tracy

I'm think ing of you and sending my best wishes and love because I know what you are going through and how confused you feel.
 
SAR - My b/f is going to a therapist that he saw many years ago when his memories reared their ugly head. He is also going to incest survivor meetings. He did this 12 years ago. He didn't tell me why he stopped, but it's my guess that he could not handle it alone. He was alone then and he is alone now, except for me, who is the only one who knows what he suffered.

I'm terrified that he will choose the path of least resistance again and just go on doing what he was doing because it's less painful. Although I know and he knows it would only be a short term fix, it has to be easier than confronting and trying to deal with the nightmare that is reality.

I will be there if he'll let me, but that in itself will be hard for him. He has never relied on anyone to help him through life. He divorced himself, legally, from his family at 15 and has been 100% on his own since then. Despite everything, he graduted high school with Nat'l Honor Society honors, went on to college and began and continues to thrive in a very successful career. In his mind, he can do anything without anyone.

In our closest moments, despite what he says, he isn't so sure. This is a very difficult barrier to get through, but I will try.
 
Originally posted by roadrunner:
...a friend of my Dad's bought a house and wanted to rent it, but it needed a lot of interior work, especially painting, and he did not have the time to do it himself. It was summertime, so he spoke to my Dad, then to me, and offered me what seemed to me a fortune to paint this house.

I was shocked not because of the money, but because I automatically assumed that this was a come-on. He wanted me for sex and the house was just going to be the place; there would be no painting. I thought wow, I didn't know he liked me that way. I immediately accepted. But when I got to the house, lo and behold, there were brushes and rollers and cans of paint everywhere! I thought oh okay, so it IS a real job, alright. But I felt somehow rejected, not wanted, and I wondered what had I done wrong.

I tell you this to illustrate how abuse can totally mess a boy up. Other kids are learning the social skills they need, they are discovering how to maintain and protect their boundaries, and they are developing important emotional tools; all that is what they need for adulthood. The abused boy, on the other hand, is learning to accept and act on every possible negative idea about himself, the world, and his place in it. I was ready to do anything with my father's friend, though he had never ever shown the slightest inappropriate interest in me, because I thought that's the only reason he would offer me the job. It never occurred to me that I was actually a damn good painter, or for that matter, a good anything else except sex toy...
Click to expand...
Larry - Thank you for putting into words so perfectly what is at the core of so much for me personally. It's one of the more profound things I've ever read here. I'm sitting here in tears having the above hit my like a big truck. It's what I've known, but never really figured out the reality of it. There's a reason why I feel uncomfortable when someone sits next to me in Sunday School class - it's hard to imagine they're not setting me up for something. If someone is displeased with me, is it any wonder that I wonder if they would like to hit me? When my wife is not telling me she loves me, does it mean she planning to leave me? You see how twisted this goes on and on.

Trish - I'm really sorry things are where they are with your boyfriend. I was SA by an older brother, my father was physically abusive, and my mother was (and still is) emotionally abusive, so I can understand somewhat of where your boyfriend is at with a dysfunctional family. There's a lot of good insight in this thread. If there's any particular thought I would echo, it would be this: "messed up" doesn't begin to describe what's going on in us; it's demons that are never satisfied, they feed and feed and feed. We breathe only because it's an involuntary reflex. I hope you can help your boyfriend and that he will let you in; you sound like the kind of caring, loving person he needs in his life.
 
Thank you again to all who posted to me. I took Larry's advice and wrote a letter. It took me hours to remember and put down on paper some of the wonderful things we've enjoyed in the last 4 years and to express my love and respect for my b/f. I read and re-read the letter and edited it for two days until it said what I wanted it to say and hopefully, what he will need to hear.

I was so anxious to get it to him. I went to the house tonight after work, like I do once or twice a week, to see the dog and I was going to leave it on the kitchen counter. My b/f lives on a dead end street, the driveway is long and the house is set back, so I didn't see his truck until I was only one house away. I braked very quickly and pulled into his neighbor's drive to turn around and drive home. I've read here many times that he has to be ready to see me so I didn't want to just show up and...I don't know what.

I sobbed like a baby all the way home. Never, not once in 4 years, I have I turned from him when there was something I needed to say. Tonight broke my heart. Even more frightening is that I don't know if he saw me. I don't know if he just got home or if he didn't go to work at all. I think I'm even more afraid that he saw me and thinks I turned away. My head is spinning!

All I want to do is call him, but I won't. I'll wait 'till morning and leave my letter then, when I know he'll be at work. If the truck is still there, I'll go in, just to be sure he's alright.

I also just found out a few minutes ago that a friend of ours has leukemia. She was admitted to the hospital tonight and the doctors are planning on her being there for at least 3 weeks. I won't find out more until later tonight and can't see her until tomorrow. Do I tell him? Do I just deal with it on my own and tell our friend that he just can't get to the hospital?

Damn! I'm so scared and confused.
 
Well done for writing that letter Trish. You sound so raw as it is, I'm so sorry about your friend.
Do you have anyone else you could lean on at the moment, a friend or relative. You sound like you need some support for yourself if you are going to be able to be in this for the long run.

Look after you

Thinking of you

Tracy
 
I wanted to say congrats too for finishing the letter. I find the hardest part about letter writing is the sitting back and waiting part after, so if you ever need to talk about any anxiety that might come out of this, you can personally message me any time.

I hope your friend will be ok as well. In my experience with my bf/ex is that he is not able to handle new crises, but feels a tremendous amount of guilt at not being able to 'step up to the plate' type of thing. Perhaps you could tell him about her illness, but that it's ok and that everyone will understand if he cannot be there for her or you if he needs to just deal with his stuff at the moment? I don't know.. it's just an idea. Every survivor is different, and from all I know, he could find comfort in finding the strength within himself to be there for someone else. People are so different that it's hard to give any sort of universal adive. But good luck!

We're rooting for you!
 
Thank you Tracy and wantstohelp. Your words of encouragement mean everything.

I did go to my b/f's house this morning and his truck was in the driveway. I panicked. My heart was racing so fast I didn't think I could even walk to the door. When I stepped into the kitchen, I saw our dog, sleeping as usual, so that was a good sign. I went upstairs and knocked on the bedroom door, that in itself was odd, I never knocked before. I heard him move and stepped inside. Such a relief, he was OK.

He told me he'd been having a bad week, called out sick yesterday and would work from home today. He was glad to see me. That meant everything! I didn't stay because I had to get to work, but we held hands and hugged each other tight. That felt so good.

I did leave the letter I wrote on the kitchen counter and I hope and pray that I will hear from him before I lie down to sleep tonight. We'll see and I'll deal with whatever comes.

But for now, I feel very hopeful. I do love him so much!

Trish
 
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