I don't know what I'm doing here

I don't know what I'm doing here
F

FindingTheTruth

Registrant
Please forgive me, I do not mean to intrude on this space. From the stories I have read over the past few weeks, this really is a sacred space for people who have gone through trauma that I can not possibly imagine.

I have absolutely no conscious memory of any sexual abuse, but something has drawn me to this site. (And not just once, a few times, and I would be here for a few hours reading the stories. I promise you there is nothing voyeuristic in this... but I simply do not know why I am here)

I don't want to try and fabricate a case to say that something "must have" happened. But here are some details about me... I am nearly 40 and I have only had one brief sexual relationship with a woman and that was 15 years ago. At times I have had paid sexual encounters with various results.

Sometimes things would function okay. One time I remember, being aroused after some preliminaries, but then when I was touched (there) the erection disappeared. And there was this deep feeling inside of not wanting to be touched. (I'm not sure where the feeling came from, but it wasn't about sadness or shame about the encounter being a paid one).

Another time after ejaculation, I was trembling. I mean that isn't normal. Another time, my arm wanted to push the woman away.

Today I was reading some of the stories saying out loud "there is no possible way anything happened to me". But the pain and the tears I was experiencing as I was saying that was immense.

That is probably all I can write for now. I probably am not ready to receive any feedback, but many thanks for reading. Maybe I first need to feel safe in sharing what I have shared.
 
ok, no feed back per se. Just a little reminder to take a few deep breaths. We're here to listen if and when you're ready to share some more.
 
Thanks for sharing. Just know that you are welcome here. Feel free to post if and when you want to, and know that we care about you.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
FTT,

Hello and welcome! I wish nothing more than that you will find the answers you are looking for. Keep looking around, reading and remember you are among friends. Feel free to post whenever you like.

Hang in there.

Darrel
 
Thank you for your non-feedback feedback :) and for making me feel welcome given that I do not know yet why I'm here.

Years ago I saw a book with the title "The Body Never Lies"... I didn't buy the book, but the concept has stayed in my mind since.

So in this space where I do not know why I am here, I will trust the responses of my body and the feelings in my body. I don't have much else to go on!

To give an example... I was rereading my post a few hours ago... I burst into tears with the words "I can't do this", "I can't do this"... a few days ago I had a therapy session, and all that would come out is "I can't be this honest"... as if somewhere deep inside is some big secret and I cannot let it out.

Another time I was reading some of the stories, and I felt the temperature of my body rise. It seems that reading these stories is triggering something deep inside me. As if my body knows something that I dare not reveal, and it has its own language of trying to say that something happened.

Thanks for listening, and making me feel safe
 
Body doesn't lie, because it can't. For the body went thru it and not the mind.

The mind just observed it and when can't process it, it might erase it, or it is just might ignore it as a coping mechanism.

Like this friend of mine, who refuses to deal with her sexual abuse issues, and yet continues to suffer from various diseases of sexual organs.

She is in too much of a hurry to get over it.

And as you said so, the body is truthful, if it has some dis-ease, it will show it as disease.

It won't let you forget unless you heal.
 
your stated plan is very wise. listen to your body memories, be very patient with yourself, and know that we are all scared to be in that place where we "can't be that honest."
Getting to the truth will be painful (like ripping off a scab?) but only then can real healing take place. It's ok to be scared. But please remember that you found this place and this brotherhood for a reason. Love, etc.
 
I wish you courgage FTT.

Courage to face whatever it is that is haunting you.

Courage to live free of the fear that's dogging your steps

Courage to be the person you want to be without the unknown deamon hanging over your shoulder.

You've already taken a very courageous step in coming here and talking about it even tho you don't yet understand what it is. I would also encourage you to continue with the counselor. Share with him what you've shared with us, and what you've found here if you haven't already.

There is a beautiful sunny day on the other side of the storm you are facing. It will come.

Be good to yourself and take care of you, my friend.

Hugs,

John
 
Thank you for your support... I really appreciate your words of encouragement.

I don't have much to post since last time.

There has been quite a crisis in my family of origin, which has required much of my attention and has been quite emotional.

I will continue to work in therapy and to give my body as much space as possible to reveal the nature of the trauma insider.

Thank you for letting me share the pieces that I know about, and for being here if anything else relevant comes up.

Blessings for all our recovery.
 
As usual I do not know why I am writing what I am going to write...

I have been a member of another web site for about a month to address pornography and sexual fantasy addiction. That has actually been going quite well, and I have been "sober" for one month now.

There is one story on that site about a teenager who started off just using pornography, but then later would make sure his sister would be walking past so that she would know what he was doing. I think he also drilled a hole so that he could watch his sister whilst masturbating.

I feel silly even asking this question (perhaps I am asking this to the universe, and not necessarily this support board, and I don't even know if I'm ready for an answer)...

When I used to look at internet pornography, I would always stay away from anything that had an incest topic. So why do I get turned on by this story? Why does it scare me that I get turned on by this story?
 
I remembered a dream I had last night. I'm not giving it any more significance other than it was a dream. But if something inside is trying to tell me something, then it needs to know that I am listening. So from that space...

I dreamt that my mother was touching me... on my thigh. I didn't want her to, she couldn't see that I didn't want her to, and I could not get her to stop.

God Bless Us
 
FTT,

For a survivor to recover lost memories of his abuse is a very traumatic experience. If that is what is happening to you, your body and mind will let things out at a pace you can handle. Don't force this if you can avoid doing that.

I think the main thing here is to be honest with yourself and your T. be willing to face whatever emerges, and bear in mind that sexual abuse is never the child's fault. And remember as well that you are not alone. We are all here to stand by you.

Much love,
Larry
 
FTT, Your story is very similar to mine...not in the specific thoughts you are having, but in the way things are happening for you. For me, it was a feeling that, if I could just break through a wall in my mind, I could understand my depression. It took me several months with a therapist to break through that wall. That day was my first memory of my abuse. I had no idea...none...that I had been abused. It had never been a thought in my head. I agree with Larry. Don't force it. This is now my fifth year, and my memories are still sorting themselves out. For me, it really has been a jigsaw puzzle. It has been a very strange and rocky five years. Be patient with your memory. Eventually you will get a true picture and the answers you are searching for. I will always be here to help or to share experiences if you would ever wish to PM me.

Bobby
 
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