I don't know quite what to say.

Greybeard

Registrant
With VA therpaists, who work for the very same organization who has raped me AGAIN. DO I have to BEG for fucking help? My life is a RUIN. I fucking HATE people touching me, and I CRY LIKE A BABY BECAUSE NO ONE WILL TOUCH ME.

I so get what you mean Dune Cat. I also detest people touching me, but crave it so strongly. Everyone here is struggling with similar issues, and it can help just to read what others are expressing. It makes me feel less alone to read someone else screaming and crying about the same things I do, and hopefully you will experience that as well.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
The battle between your thoughts and reality are very hard. Frequently reality doesn't meet up with your expectations. Sexual trauma and assault are like a gut punch to your reality. It's hard to accept, it is painful but also drives the air from you and drops you to your knees.
While you're sitting there on the floor wondering what just hit you (the assault) in my case my first questions while sitting there was why.
Of course any assault sexual or physical another of the first reactions is to fight back. For a lot of us as male survivors our fight is usually long, at times leads you hating yourself as much as the assault.

What happened to you was WRONG and UNJUSTIFIED. It has been the US military's first line of defense is to make the victim be victimized again or denied that it happened at all. So many times this is the case.

I understand your flight, mine is not the same but I still have to get up and fight everyday. I have to fight against my own mind sometimes, I have to fight to keep my head up. I have to fight some days just to hold it together from one hour to the next.

We here at Male Survivor are here to support you. To help give you guidance, to be uplifting in any way we can. You are not in this fight alone. We all struggle, we all fight TOGETHER.
 

WG

Registrant
As it is said : United we stand. If our backs are up against the wall, we fight together.
 

DuneCat

Registrant
The battle between your thoughts and reality are very hard. Frequently reality doesn't meet up with your expectations. Sexual trauma and assault are like a gut punch to your reality. It's hard to accept, it is painful but also drives the air from you and drops you to your knees.
While you're sitting there on the floor wondering what just hit you (the assault) in my case my first questions while sitting there was why.
Of course any assault sexual or physical another of the first reactions is to fight back. For a lot of us as male survivors our fight is usually long, at times leads you hating yourself as much as the assault.

What happened to you was WRONG and UNJUSTIFIED. It has been the US military's first line of defense is to make the victim be victimized again or denied that it happened at all. So many times this is the case.

I understand your flight, mine is not the same but I still have to get up and fight everyday. I have to fight against my own mind sometimes, I have to fight to keep my head up. I have to fight some days just to hold it together from one hour to the next.

We here at Male Survivor are here to support you. To help give you guidance, to be uplifting in any way we can. You are not in this fight alone. We all struggle, we all fight TOGETHER.
I fight every single day. I am now down to writing death letters. Not suicide, just on the verge of my death. I don't care to live in this. I'll never take my own life. They would win. But I want them to know why I can't do this. I don't care about my health at all. I don't try to make friends. My spirit is so broken.

My therapist said "it is not your fault, you need to learn that" A VA therapist.

My response is, if it wasnt my fault, why I was the only one to lose my career? It has only ever been my fault.

The US military crippled me, and like so many other men, i kept silent.

And now, when I am so much older, I see people walking down the street, hand in hand, and I am sooo sad. I have never learned what that is like. I don't know how to know you as a human being.

And it is so foreign to me. And I CRY. All the time. I am miserable every single day. Because of my silence.

I don't know what a friend looks like, or how to make one. I don't understand any kind of interpersonal relationship at all.

I hate myself every single day.
 

DuneCat

Registrant
Horror movies will make me cry. I will cry over the dead dog in friday the 13th. I will cry at every rom com ever. I will cry every comedy. My emotions do not belong to me anymore. They are not mine. I just cry all the time. I don't even know what I'm crying FOR. I stay away from anything made during my service. It just doesn't matter anymore. See someone on a bus. I cry. See someone in a store, I cry. I am a fucking shut in because I cant stop crying.
 

ODAT

Registrant
I fight every single day. I am now down to writing death letters. Not suicide, just on the verge of my death. I don't care to live in this. I'll never take my own life. They would win. But I want them to know why I can't do this. I don't care about my health at all. I don't try to make friends. My spirit is so broken.

My therapist said "it is not your fault, you need to learn that" A VA therapist.

My response is, if it wasnt my fault, why I was the only one to lose my career? It has only ever been my fault.

The US military crippled me, and like so many other men, i kept silent.

And now, when I am so much older, I see people walking down the street, hand in hand, and I am sooo sad. I have never learned what that is like. I don't know how to know you as a human being.

And it is so foreign to me. And I CRY. All the time. I am miserable every single day. Because of my silence.

I don't know what a friend looks like, or how to make one. I don't understand any kind of interpersonal relationship at all.

I hate myself every single day.
DuneCat,
I am so sorry that you went through all that. People want us to think it is our fault when it wasn’t. Keep reaching out on this site as there are some great men here to help us.
 
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