I don't know quite what to say.

DuneCat

Registrant
Other than my assault has completely ruined my life, and I'm now forced to beg the VA for help while simultaniously fighting them.

I have no friends, no family. I have ostracized every single human who has ever been kind to me. Because I don't know how. I don't know how to even be a human anymore, and I don't know what to do.

Being alone, all the time, it's killing my spirit, but I will not quit. If I quit, they win.

I just can't do this alone anymore.

I'm tired all the time. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting the VA. I'm tired of conflict of interests.

NOTHING in my life works, at ALL.

I'm tired of the tears that just will NOT STOP COMING.

So I came here. Because after finally telling what happened... It's just become worse. I couldnt hold it anymore. I can't.

And now that I've said it, its sooo much worse.

This has never ended for me. There is NO peace.

I live with this every moment of every day now, when I had put this in a box and shut it away.

It did not heal. it FESTERED. I feel ROTTEN.

I don't know who to trust or where to go.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
DuneCat

Welcome. You have found a place where men who have suffered in similar but different ways have gathered. A place where men of strength who survived what happened in the past to today gather. A place where we hear you and understand. Look around. Read the forums. Search for what troubles you today. As explosively bad as it seems it DOES get better. Here we do not judge. We have been there. We are here for each other and now that includes you.

Manipulated
 
@DuneCat, welcome to MS. I sorry you are really struggling right now. I feel from what you’ve written that your feeling overwhelmed with your current situation.
We can help by listening and sharing. All of us here are survivors. It can be pretty difficult
at times, but it will get better. I’m encouraged
by this statement from your post
“ but I will not quit. If I quit, they win.”
That tells me you are strong and will push through. Are you with a T (therapist)?
Please look around the forum, you will see
support and healing throughout. Please post more as you feel comfortable. LRD
 

DuneCat

Registrant
@DuneCat, welcome to MS. I sorry you are really struggling right now. I feel from what you’ve written that your feeling overwhelmed with your current situation.
We can help by listening and sharing. All of us here are survivors. It can be pretty difficult
at times, but it will get better. I’m encouraged
by this statement from your post
“ but I will not quit. If I quit, they win.”
That tells me you are strong and will push through. Are you with a T (therapist)?
Please look around the forum, you will see
support and healing throughout. Please post more as you feel comfortable. LRD
With VA therpaists, who work for the very same organization who has raped me AGAIN. DO I have to BEG for fucking help? My life is a RUIN. I fucking HATE people touching me, and I CRY LIKE A BABY BECAUSE NO ONE WILL TOUCH ME.
 
Welcome to MS! You have found a great place to start allowing yourself to heal by being nothing more than yourself, because that is enough. This is a community of men that will accept you as you are, with open arms, & without passing judgment over what you've experienced or continue to struggle with now. Best of luck to you as you continue down this path. Be kind to yourself & take care!
 

DuneCat

Registrant
Tell me this gets better? Please tell me it does. I have done CBT, DBT and EMDR. TELL ME THIS GETS BETTER.

My edit. There is no kindness for me here. I hate me. I feel disgusting for posting :(
 
Try to relax even if you do not want to
Then you will see the people here who will give you the way to forgive yourself as you did nothing wrong
It is not your fault
Now your not seeing the good thats inside your heart
There is goodness inside you
Tyr not to forget that
You are a man
Stop take a listen to your heart
You sound so brave to have told us ....if I guit they will win .....
That brave little boy inside your head is still there bravely waiting for you to just say thank you to him for helping you survive to the brave man you are
He loves you We love you There is kindness here
Keep writing to us
Let us be your friends
Chuck
 
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ODAT

Registrant
Dunecat,
Believe me, we understand. Many of us have gone through horrible things. We have to takin one day at a time. Things slowly improve but it is a process. Don’t beat yourself up. What happened to you was not your fault. Keep posting. There’s some great help here!
 

WG

Registrant
Dunecat : Just the fact that you sat down and typed out the first few sentences of your first post tells me there is something inside you that will not stop until you DO find peace. Otherwise you would have never come here. We do care. As others have said, we do understand because at one level or another it was done to us. Here is where you need to be. You have overcome up to now, and possibly what you're experiencing is the very thing that said for you to talk with us. We do not judge nor do we pretend to have all the answers. But we will listen and respond to you as best as we know how. You're important to us. We care.
 

DuneCat

Registrant
I realize that I am at the end of my life. I have hurt soooo many people because I never understood how to even connect with others after my rape. I fight, I carry on, because if I quit, my rapist' wins. I will not let them win. I will not surrender. But at the same time, this fight, its exhausting me, and I have no friends, no family to fall back to.
 

DavidM-LT

Staff member
Tell me this gets better? Please tell me it does.
It really does. Getting there is hard though, and exhausting. And it’s not fair that it’s so hard. Sometimes I even wonder myself when it will come.

Alas, it’s a journey, not a step. That’s what I’ve painstakingly discovered. Getting better, healing, recovery, etc., they’re not goals but different trails. Long trails! Good trails! Their beginnings mesh with the trails of horror and difficulty. It’s not a sudden change of scenery, but a gradual one. Because the change is so gradual, it often happens that it takes a while to recognize that the scenery changed. And just like any trail or road, there are rest stops. Sometimes those rest stops are well looked after and taken care of. Sometimes not. But even the ones that aren’t, it’s a pause on the journey and we can’t lose sight of that.

Easy to say. I’m still struggling.
But you’re not alone with this anymore. We’re all here with you
 
...I fight, I carry on, because if I quit, my rapist' wins. I will not let them win. I will not surrender. But at the same time, this fight, its exhausting me, and I have no friends, no family to fall back to.
I'm sorry you experienced the trauma you did. I feel sorry for all the men here because we've all experienced trauma in it many forms and have lived carrying the residue of that trauma. Funny that so many of the things we've done have actually kept our perpetrator alive in our life. We may act out the things we were taught with other people, sometimes as victim, sometimes causing others to suffer as we have. We've made our lives small believing that is how we avoid what happened, but funny thing is in doing that the perpetrator is still calling the tune. There really is only one way to break the hold the perpetrator has and that is to find compassion for ourselves and to learn how to meaningfully care for ourselves moment to moment. You've done well coming here simply because we offer support for both compassion and self-care. The trauma is NOT happening right now for any of us... it is all in the past. That doesn't mean it is no longer working between our ears, keeping us fixated on powerlessness and perhaps shame over what happened. That is where we must work, releasing the past and caring for the present... thereby claiming our aliveness.

i'm glad you found us. You're not alone with any of this. If you're open to the possibility, there is support for you here. Welcome.
 

DuneCat

Registrant
I am alone with all of this. As I fight with the VA about this, as my rape has come to light, I realize I am fighting against something so much larger than I am. That the THOUSANDS of rapes that occur in our armed forces, and are covered up. Male, female, rape is RAPE.

When people tell me "thank you for your service" it makes me sick at heart.

We live in one of the most advanced countries on earth. That rape of our brothers, our sisters, goes unpunished... no one takes responsibility.

I do, I take that responsibility. I played a role in what happened. I could have taken the higher role. I could have let my pride go. My false pride.

What does a 19 year old know about the world? About consequences?

I chose to react. I was punished. My rape was punishment.

This is what I can't seem to get across. I was PUNISHED.

No one blames a judge for exacting society's punishment on those who transgress.

We don't blame police for serving the law.

On one hand I see this. I logically see this. I see what my command was saying. I see that I did wrong. I see that my actions caused a chain of events.

On the other hand. Fuck you and your cause of events. I should not have to suffer for 30 years over a minor transgression. The people I have harmed because of lack of trust. They did not deserve this.

My days are filled with regret. With absolute horror at what i've done emotionally to others. My grief is overwhelming.

Grief. What a word. I grieve every single day with what I have done to others. I have hurt them. I hurt everyone around me because I don't know how to be different. I cannot begin to explain any of it. I cannot tell you how much I want your touch, and how revolting it feels at the same time.

My therapists do not get it. I had one, ONE therapist, who told me flat out.. "i don't know what to tell you, your pathology is beyond me" God bless her honesty.

I wish daily that a bus would hit me. And I would thank that driver. I would tell them thank you for releasing me from this suffering.

It is my daily grind. To hurt all the time. To watch others have lunch or dinner, and know I can never, EVER be a part of that, because I will hurt you.

I will hurt you for your kindness.

This is my life.
 

ODAT

Registrant
I'm sorry you experienced the trauma you did. I feel sorry for all the men here because we've all experienced trauma in it many forms and have lived carrying the residue of that trauma. Funny that so many of the things we've done have actually kept our perpetrator alive in our life. We may act out the things we were taught with other people, sometimes as victim, sometimes causing others to suffer as we have. We've made our lives small believing that is how we avoid what happened, but funny thing is in doing that the perpetrator is still calling the tune. There really is only one way to break the hold the perpetrator has and that is to find compassion for ourselves and to learn how to meaningfully care for ourselves moment to moment. You've done well coming here simply because we offer support for both compassion and self-care. The trauma is NOT happening right now for any of us... it is all in the past. That doesn't mean it is no longer working between our ears, keeping us fixated on powerlessness and perhaps shame over what happened. That is where we must work, releasing the past and caring for the present... thereby claiming our aliveness.

i'm glad you found us. You're not alone with any of this. If you're open to the possibility, there is support for you here. Welcome.

Well said, Visitor! Happy New Year. I wish for you (and all of us) a safe and peaceful year!
 
Keep letting it out Keep talking
We ARE listening
You are strong
You can do it
You believe that
That's why your still here
Do not let go
 

BANDORACER2

New Registrant
Hold on brother, you came to the right place. It is never as dark as it appears and your never as alone as you feel. You have said all you need to and there are a lot of us listening.
 

Crowdog

Registrant
Other than my assault has completely ruined my life, and I'm now forced to beg the VA for help while simultaniously fighting them.

I have no friends, no family. I have ostracized every single human who has ever been kind to me. Because I don't know how. I don't know how to even be a human anymore, and I don't know what to do.

Being alone, all the time, it's killing my spirit, but I will not quit. If I quit, they win.

I just can't do this alone anymore.

I'm tired all the time. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting the VA. I'm tired of conflict of interests.

NOTHING in my life works, at ALL.

I'm tired of the tears that just will NOT STOP COMING.

So I came here. Because after finally telling what happened... It's just become worse. I couldnt hold it anymore. I can't.

And now that I've said it, its sooo much worse.

This has never ended for me. There is NO peace.

I live with this every moment of every day now, when I had put this in a box and shut it away.

It did not heal. it FESTERED. I feel ROTTEN.

I don't know who to trust or where to go.
Wow! I know that hopelessness well. I spent from 18 to about 36 years old in despair. Anger, isolation and a mind that controller my whole life with lies about who I was and what life is. I found existence of a higher being whole standing on the edge and about to let go of my life. I worked hard, really hard and I still am. I decided that I deserve to live. I deserve to be happy. When I was born, I was pure and life added shit to the mix, I added alot more myself but I now live a life where I'm not happy unless I'm on a pure path. I still have anger. I still have thoughts of despair but nowhere near what I used to. We deserve to be alive and I will not let the actions of others decide my life. I'm here for private messages if you want
 
I just want to say I feel your pain. I feel like I am literally fighting for my life moment to moment trying to breathe and stay present while my insides are freaking out all day long. It’s exhausting and feels like there is no end. I make myself post here. This is new for me. I know it’s healing medicine for me even though it’s painful. I’m trying to learn to see small wins through out the day. The smallest of wins, like “I brushed my teeth and took care of myself in some capacity.” It’s the smallest evidence of self love but it’s something I can claim and stand on until the next moment. It’s when I look up and wonder how long am I going to have to do this that makes me feel like I can’t go on and want to quit. I’m trying to say just a little bit here each day. Something. Anything.
A diabetic can’t forget to take his shot because his life depends on it. This is no different. I make sure I remember this every day. We have spiritual, mental and emotion injuries that need tending to every single day. I’ve turned a corner (for now, and hopefully forever) on feeling resentment about having to do all this work. What choice do we have?
I love you and I stand with you, friend.
I am very grateful for this space.
 

DavidM-LT

Staff member
@Nick VB beautifully put!
It was like I was hearing myself talk. It’s things and moments like that one that give hope and comfort. There really is solidarity. There’s comfort in knowing that someone else understands the pain. I know that’s true of everyone here. But reading something like, it reinforces it, makes it concrete. So I hope this small bit provides you too with the same comfort.
 
@Nick VB beautifully put!
It was like I was hearing myself talk. It’s things and moments like that one that give hope and comfort. There really is solidarity. There’s comfort in knowing that someone else understands the pain. I know that’s true of everyone here. But reading something like, it reinforces it, makes it concrete. So I hope this small bit provides you too with the same comfort.
Thank you, man. Yes it does.
I am very thankful for this space.
 
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