I don't know how to help him

I don't know how to help him
A

AK8507

New Registrant
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. About 2 years ago he began suffering from severe depression, so he went to meet with a doctor. He has been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and sometimes he will cut himself. He told me a year ago that he was sexually abused by his mother's live-in boyfriend throughout most of his childhood. His mother also physically and emotionally abused him. Now as an adult, he has little to no contact with his mother. I have been very supportive of him and even gone to family sessions during his partial-hospitalization treatment. Yesturday he told me he will not ever get better and he will need medication for the rest of his life. Is it possible for him to "get better" (as he put it) or at least feel better about himself? I love him dearly and I'm trying my best to help him, but I don't know what to do for him that will help him. Please if anyone could help me I would greatly appreciate it!
 
AK,

The problems involved in recovering from sexual abuse as a child are complex and very difficult, and yes, sometimes it does feel like we will never resolve them. But my own personal view is that recovery is never impossible, regardless of how profoundly the victim has been harmed.

Friends and family often ask what they can do, but the basic truth of the matter is that the survivor himself has to do the work and take all the steps himself. What those around him can do is to encourage him to do all that.

When I was starting out what helped me the most from my friends and family was knowing they believed me. So much of what I had to say seemed incredible, and I genuinely feared they would all think I was making it up. It was also a huge help knowing that they didn't blame me for anything that had happened, and that their love for me was undiminished no matter what I told them.

As the survivor tries to find the strength to do the hard work required for his recovery, I think these are the basic messages he needs to be picking up from those close to him: he is loved and believed, and he isn't being judged or blamed for what happened to him. As you get used to the site and see the sorts of things that are discussed here, you will gain a more detailed perspective on these and many other issues.

Much love,
Larry
 
AK
It is possible, but it isn't guaranteed.

But don't despair, there are ways to improve the odds, and you can have a big influence on those odds as well.

He seems to be 'in the system' to a certain degree, he's obviously seeing doctors and getting medication, and some kind of counselling as well I think.

So he's obviously willing, to some degree, to accept help and support. That's the big step conquered.
Now, with consultation to the people he's already seeing, he might find specialist therapy for CSA survivors very helpful.

Most 'general' therapists and counsellors have some knowledge of our problems and do their best for their clients, but I firmly believe that someone with experience and specialist training in CSA recovery can lead us through our recoveries with far better results. Unfortunately we seem to have our own special set of problems.

I know a couple of severly depressive survivors who self harm and they get huge benefits from group therapy and contact with other survivors, but that would probably be a little way down the line, after 1to1 therapy.

The most important thing for YOU however is your own health and sanity, you'll be no good for him if you allow yourself to break under the pressure that will surely come.
So look after yourself, don't try and do his healing for him - it won't work anyway, he's got to do it.
Be there, support him. love him, trust him. That's what he needs right now.

Dave
PS, and stick around here, there's some great support for you here.
 
If he keeps focusing on making progress (not perfection) in his recovery, and has the right support ... then yes he will get better. For him though, better may not mean easier.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Born to Resist,
that's short - and to the point.

Great advice that none of us should forget.

Dave
 
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