I don't fit in anywhere

[InsideTheWall]

This post is probably going to be a little different than whats usually posted here. I'm not confused about my sexual orientation, I know that I'm straight. But identifying with any sort of sexual identity is new to me and something I need to address to keep things moving along. I've never had any sort of sexual encounter outside of my abuse, which makes it almost impossible to blend in with other people because this is such a central element of life that I cannot talk about at all without bringing up the abuse. I'm sure alot of people think I'm gay, and truth be told, that would be better than the actual situation. Alot of the people who've somewhat accepted my silence were somewhere along that spectrum, but the truth is, I don't belong with them and I want to be more comfortable among my own kind. This creates uncomfortable situations that I'm really tired of dealing with. I just want a normal fucking life and girlfriend.

 

[Jude]

I just want a normal fucking life and girlfriend.

Hey Inside,

I've learned to abandon my pursuit of a "normal" life. What does that really mean anyway? Instead, I am pursuing a life of growth, healing and service to others. And yeah, sometimes I feel lonely, depressed, angry. But sometimes I feel happy, peaceful, satisfied.

I think what you are saying is that you are not happy with your life as it currently stands. Have you thought about what kind of life would make you happy? Nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend, but think about what you want in a woman, what you want in a relationship, a career, a spiritual life. Are you in counseling? If not, consider it.

This society is preoccupied with sex, and many of us are stuck with a distorted sexuality. We can't "fit in" with other guys, gay or straight. So why sweat it? I'll just be who I am, and try to do the next right thing every day.

Hey how about we call ourselves "infinitesexual"?

Jude

 

[InsideTheWall]

Is there anyone else with a comment? With all respect Jude, you didn't really address anything but the last sentence of what I wrote. I really need some insight more specific to what I posted, but no one else seems to be answering. I find it extremely difficult to believe there's no one with relevant experience reading this. Please people, I need answers.

 

[Bardo]

Inside,
I honestly doubt you will find many specific answers here. What you will find is a group of men who will have had similar experiences as you and will support you in your journey of discovery. Some who have had more specific experiences like yours may reach out and offer their lessons, if they recognize a common background. In any case, take what is given freely and respect the huge resource that these guys offer you. Good luck and keep posting.

Freeman

 

[lostsoul824]

Greetings, I have read these posts and I think what you are looking for is hard to find because, if your thoughts and life is spinning in and out of control we can all support your journey. But I am afraid the battle is won and lost dayly by yourself for you. It would be somedays safer to fight someone else's battle then our own. That is not to be! But we are all here to support your fight on to victory for the life you choose to have!! YOU ARE A WINNER!!!!!!!

 

[Serious Dave]

Dear Inside,

I am sorry for your pain. I agree with Jude in that we must each, abused or not, build a life in which we "fit in". For example, if the group I'm with starts talking about sports, I no longer "fit in". I don't give a rat's ass about sports, and I never will. That doesn't make me a weirdo or a freak; it just means I have a different background than the other guys. Obviously, I'm not going to then switch the subject to sexual abuse because they have no frame of reference. I would only share that info with trustworthy people (like those on this site). Why does anyone else need to know anyway? I don't hang around with people who discuss their sex lives - gay, straight, or otherwise. Build up a thick, healthy lawn, and the weeds don't have a chance to grow.

Jude also makes a great point about service to others as the key to a happy life. When good people see you freely sharing true love and caring with those who need it, they will be drawn to you like moths to a flame. And, maybe one of those moths will be the girlfriend you long for.

I am glad to hear that you are not confused about your sexuality - you are straight! I know the same about myself, but I have a bogus script running in my mind that tells me I'm not. It is not a part of my original software - it's a lie downloaded there by SA. I deal with the feelings the way that most self-help books advise; I feel them but never act on them. I doing this, I expose the feelings for what they are; just feelings, and they can't hurt me. Not acting on them also gives me control and mastery over them. I wish I could say they'll also go away, but mine are still going strong after 45 years.

One last thing; SA defines HOW I am at times, but it will never define WHO I am - I am so very much more than the abuse or my feelings of sexuality, and you are too.

I wish you all the best!

Serious Dave

 

[Nothing Man]

One of the issues I had to deal with was anger. I found anger drove people away from me -- frankly, the anger made me unpleasant and uncomfortable to be around.

You want a normal "FKG" life and girlfriend? In my opinion, and based upon what I have gone through, the key is to concentrate on yourself. Learn to deal with the issues which make it difficult for you to fit in. I think you will find that the difficulty is self-imposed. If you have the opportunity to deal with the anger resulting from the unspeakable abuse perhaps you will begin to feel closer to other people and let them into your life.

I may be completely wrong about this. If so, I apologize. I am just drawing from my own experience.

 

[bluesky]

I am glad to hear that you are not confused about your sexuality - you are straight! I know the same about myself, but I have a bogus script running in my mind that tells me I'm not. It is not a part of my original software - it's a lie downloaded there by SA.
Serious Dave

Inside

I can completely agree with what Serious Dave is saying that many of us have that feeling of what am I where do I fit in? Am I gay strait or what? The answer for me came after years of confusion and pain. I did not know what I was. I know what I felt that I was attracted to women but could not reconcile that with the abuse done to me. I thought they all want me used me then I must be what they want. I thought that if I would just fallow the program that was fed to me I would be what I was supposed to be. I even wanted to become a porn star at one time or a prostitute. But I kept slamming in to no this is not me!! But then would say if I dont want it why do I think it???
I began to realize that it was the program of there filthy minds not mine the innocent child that only new how to care for the world and wanted to change the world in to a better place.
So started the road or journey back to my self after being lost in the lands of the forgotten.
I think that you are asking a good question, I believe it is the begging of the process of return to the self the awakening of YOU. Do not be discouraged buy the question be empowered by the possibility of finding YOU.
I hope that the pain you feel will soften and the wounds will heal dont give in to despair for that is what our tormentors wanted and used to condition use.
Bluesky

 

[Bowierocks]

I am strongly attracted to women and identify myself as straight but I feel like I caused him to be attracted to me as I am in someways a woman inside . However, I am very masculine out wards . I used to think I could be gay. I decided to stop asking those questions when I let a man be with me . I just wasn't attracted . I do feel femme and an intruder in lots of ways . My wife is very feminine looking but masculine on the inside . Women tend to like I am I touch with my feminine self . So I don't know what gender I should really call myself but neutral .