I don't even believe in my own name anymore

[I don't know my name]

I had a name once. But now it is sweet boy.

I can't go back. I think of putting two guns to my head while my abuser blows me. I don't wanna talk. I looked for help. Friends, hospitals, call lines, police, therapists. Drugs, Alcohol. I can't write what i'm thinking write now. When I try, I start crying. I feel when I try, I disassociate, if I'm am not already. It doesn't stop. How did so many people know, and did nothing? Maybe they were just as fucked as I was. I am grossed out by what I want to say, What happened. I am even madder at everything. I can't love, and when I try, I am too much. Even my dad ran for the hills when I tried to tell him the gravity of of what happened. I put a bag over my head yesterday. Took it off. Realized I am already dead, or alive? It doesn't matter. I wanted someone to do something. I still want someone to do something. I am not even able to EMDR because I was told by multiple mental professionals that I have too much trauma. I was chosen to be special. His favorite. Then abandoned. I aged out.

I am not suicidal. I have already died. I tried to die from sex. When I dream, I am somewhere happy. I dream vividly. When I smile I don't know if its real. I have read other posts about validation and a good ole "hang in there". HA. Multiple therapist have tried to get me to connect with my inner young self and tell myself I will be okay. I don't want to even get close t that. I protect that somewhere. I don't want any adult near that part of me. It is a black fucking hole. I was locked in van, taken places. Why didnt anyone anything. My friends, who knew, asked me to go back to the van and get drugs for them. Now when I ask them to be around when I am going through it, as best I can, they all run away. My dad ran away. Therapists pass me around like he did. Friends, Ha.

I truly want to help, if at least long enough to make a difference to help one person. Even that pisses me off. It's all a fucking business. Off of my life.

 

[Hsqmyp]

Then being here and sharing your story is helping.

 

[GaD3!]

I see that you are new here so welcome and I very sorry that you have a reason to be here. I am thankful that you are here. You are not alone here. You have many brother survivors here. While all of our stories are different, WE understand your pain. we know what it is like to be used and not have anyone there to help or protect us. We are here for you and I mean that, it is not just some bs pleasantries. I am glad to hear that you are not suicidal, that is NEVER the answer, and it solves nothing. It sounds like you have had a bad string of therapists. I have dealt with some lousy ones, also some good ones. My point is don't give up on therapy- I didn't and I am still in therapy. It has to be a therapist with enough training and experience in trauma and sexual abuse to be able to truly be helpful. It surprises me that you were told you had too much trauma to do EMDR- it has been proven to help those who have experienced extreme trauma. Just making an observation- I am not a T.

I am much older than you, so again I am not talking nice sounding bs. There IS hope, things may seem hopeless at the point in your life, but things are not always they seem. That I am still alive to be typing is proof that there is hope. You can never give up or give in- if you do those who abused you will get the final victory and you no any of us can give that to or abusers. They can all go to hell. You speak of friends, drug buddies are not true friends. I am sorry your father has not been there for you, as a father I don't understand that. If I can help, feel free to message me, I am rather sure that would be the same for any of us here.

Again there is hope cling to the hope! I have not had an easy life and I too experienced severe abuse but I now am in a much better place I truly wish you peace and healing. Take care.

 

[dreamgurl]

@I don't know my name First of all, so sorry for what happened to you, More importantly @GaD3! said it all more clearly and concisely than I could, take it to heart that There Is Hope and lean on your fellow survivors here, they are here for you! Be Kind to Yourself and I Wish You Peace!

 

[I don't know my name]

I know, somewhere, there is hope. I fear of being lured by fellow men or someone impersonating a survivor. Am I stuck in a line of Dominos? One touching the other, until my life is literally grabbed by the balls and now im stuck, willing to pleasure anyone, trying to figure some of this shit out.

 

[GaD3!]

I know, somewhere, there is hope. I fear of being lured by fellow men or someone impersonating a survivor. Am I stuck in a line of Dominos? One touching the other, until my life is literally grabbed by the balls and now im stuck, willing to pleasure anyone, trying to figure some of this shit out.

This is a safe place or as safe as it can be. If you ever receive inappropriate communication, report it to one of the moderators and the issue will be addressed. If you have not read the Terms and Rules at the bottom of the page, please do so. I know you are hurting and there is much support here. You do not need to post or share anything unless you feel comfortable doing so. Just knowing one is not alone in all of this is helpful. Please take care.