I don't deserve most of what people give me at Christmas - but I take it anyway!
On a serious note, if you're here because you were abused (which you were), then you're right in a sense - you don't deserve to be here. None of us do. We all deserved much better than this.
We've all been where you've been. Most of us have felt at some point or other the way you feel. Take comfort in this: no matter how bad your abuse was, no matter what you did or didn't do about it, no matter how "willing" you were, and no matter what lengths you've gone to in order to cope, we've heard it or seen it before. We are just like you.