It seems like when bad stuff happens to me and its stressful,all common sense and rational thought goes right out the window. I guess I'm just looking for people to tell me, its normal (for everyone or maybe just abuse survivors). I'm just having a bad week and I just need support from the people I care about/trust most.
Jason, Sometimes I have to laugh at myself. I never met a post I didn't have an opinion about. Sometimes I just don't write what I'm thinking because I'm just too embarrassed. But you are all me and I am all of you, so what's not to have an opinion about? Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'll get on with what I was going to say come ______ or high water.
I am totally amazed at how alike we all are. You can take that everybody's different line and toss it right out the window. I have this place inside me. It's a pit and it's always open and it's always ready and anytime something happens that triggers me in anyway, I start my slow slide to the pit. It doesn't have to be any big thing, although the really big things hasten the slide. Hell, some things are so big I just jump. And I know it's coming. I know just as sure as anything. And I fight it. Oh, how I fight it. I say all the right things to myself. "He didn't mean it the way it sounded. That really isn't important. On a scale of 1 to 100 in my life, that rates a half. That makes absolutely no difference in my life at all." You know the lines. I'm sure you have developed your own set.
Truth is, it doesn't matter. Something about what has happened or what was said has hit your "Oh shit" button and here you go. No matter how hard you cling to the walls, you are going to slide down to your special happy place where the world is black and everything is horrible and awful. I have this place in the front of my brain/head (any therapists reading this, please turn off your computer now and go have a sandwich and a cup of coffee) that I can actually feel when this happens. It is like someone put a clump of something there. I can point to it. And here is another crazy thing (therapists see line above about sandwich and coffee), I know that I won't feel that way about it tomorrow. If it's a really bad thing....yeah, it'll still be there and I'll deal with it. But if it's my usual black pit reaction, a good night's sleep will take care of it for me. Some part of my brain which works very hard while I'm sleeping will just put it in the shredder over night.
So, now....I know when I have the "Oh shit" reaction that I am going to go to the pit. There are no longer fingernail marks on the walls of my mind where I have tried to stop my slide. I just quietly and calmly slide to the pit. I know I'm going to anyway. I understand that tomorrow, if it wasn't something that was really going to alter my life in any way, the shredder will have done it's job and I will feel all better. It doesn't really change all of that pit of the stomach front of the head anguish stuff, but while I'm feeling it, it sure does lessen it to understand where it came from, where it's going and that it'g going to be better and pretty soon.
I don't know if our reaction to stress is part of our SA or not. I used to think "not". But then I used to think "not" about a lot of things that I now think "Oh, yeah!" about. Hope you feel better soon, guy. We have built in stress. It's a bitch when life feels life it's gotta give us more. Bobby
Stress is the reality of life for everyone. Survivors might have it a bit more intense at times, but everyone has to deal with some stress. Some people apparently do it in healthy ways--e.g. they go for a jog, play some sport, lift weights or whatever it takes to burn off some of the adrenalin.
Lots of us do not handle it in a healthy way so we get drunk, use drugs, act out, get really mean, get into arguments, have road rage etc.
Then there are those that are kind of in between. We do get rather irrational at times, we may get impetuous, but we usually know that we are stressed and that is about all.
Anxiety is a normal response to stress. But therapists say that there is a thing called "second anxiety." That is when we get anxious about being anxious and get convinced we are losing our minds, have a brain tumor or are having a heart attack--that kiind of stuff. We can eventually control the second anxiety. At times, we can work to have a less stressful life. But when I get an anxiety hit it comes on without warning. That I apparently can't do much about. But the worrying about it and telling myself all the horror stories is something I can gradually learn to control.
Jason - I've known my best friend since I was 11 (I'm now 47). I'm Godfather to 2 of his 3 children & Guardian to all 3 if anything happens to him & his wife (they have 2 sisters / 7 brothers between them).
Over the years I have been the most paranoid (in my head) person that I cannot understand how I have been selected as the guardian of those children should the need arise. I do understand really it's because I haven't ever appeared as crazy as I've felt & that I appear to have a natural approach to life ..... in other words I would let the kids achieve what they were capable of, rather than pressurising them to achieve some holy grail.
Rational thought...I used to have all sorts going through my head - since I've given up my dirty secret, I have to put up with regular silences in my head (I find that difficult to cope with after all this time).
You need support from the people that you care about and trust most - well we are here to support you. I don't know what support network you have at home, but if you think that you can trust someone/talk to someone, I find that 'gut feeling' is usually pretty accurate. If someone does let you down, then they are not worth it (note that - they are not worth it).
What's strange is that I haven't told my best friend yet, because he will blame himself (we had a falling out just before I was abused & that left me in a vulnerable position ready to be 'used').
What am I talking about - 35 years of being irrational (but a lot of common sense has raised its head among that self doubt).
Jason - 'that someone is there somewhere inside' - that someone is you - believe in yourself...no one is better than anyone of us here on this site. There are many that do not come up to our standards...we are high class!!!
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