I didn't remember being raped at age 5 until a few days ago.

[repressed]

I never thought I was a victim of sexual assault, but I've always felt intense shame, guilt, that something is wrong with me, that I'm unlovable and disgusting. I've had a very difficult time making friends, building relationships especially with other men. I believe everyone is judging me, that they are scrutinizing everything I do, the way I walk, talk, the way I look, the way I dress, everything.

I had kind of a mental breakdown about a year ago and had to leave my job and go into intensive therapy for about 4 months. I have treatment resistant depression. I've since returned to work and I'm continuing to see 2 therapists. About a week and a half ago I was having an ART session (similar to EMDR) and I felt this kneejerk reaction type of need to turn my head away and cover my mouth. Then I felt this horrific feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew I was about to remember something that I didn't want to. Later that night I starting remembering images. First it was the wall of a classroom in the church I attended when I was 5. Then I saw my teacher with his pants undone. A couple of days later I remembered that he bent me over a table and held my head down while I stared at the wall.

I keep trying to convince myself that I'm making it up but I know it's real. The assault is all I can think about and all I feel like I can talk about. I feel like the only way to stop feeling it so much is to get it out and I guess I think that means telling people. I don't know how to handle this. I keep finding myself in these positions where I have to interact with others and I've ended up telling a few random people. I'm hoping that posting here will give a little relief.

 

[Visitor]

Welcome @repressed. I'm so sorry you experienced such things and now find yourself facing them. I was in my early fifties when I first remembered fragments that I soon was able to pull together to tell the story of my abuse. I too struggled with shame and feelings of unworthiness over the years. I also acted out sexually in ways I later understood were rooted in what happened to me during the years of abuse. I'm glad you found Male Survivor and chose to register and now, to introduce yourself. You've come to the right place. Men here know this territory from first hand experience. You're not alone with any of it.

Yes, it is very painful uncovering these memories. It is also confusing. Please be gentle with yourself... patient and kind. Men here will listen to what you share without judgment and offer support. Take your time to get to know the place. You will certainly find kindred spirits. There is no obligation to share more than you have but you are free to share as you feel comfortable. All the best on your healing journey.

 

[82Tango]

Welcome, @repressed and ditto to everything @Visitor shared.

I'm truly sorry for all the struggles you have endured throughout life. And now this, these repressed memories of the abuse, which may or may not be the root cause of your life's suffering. For most of my adult life, I too felt unlovable and disgusting. Low self-esteem and self-worth. That I was defective. It wasn't until I did a lot of work on myself (and it took time) where things finally started to shift, in regards to how I felt about myself, and how I always assumed others felt about me (how wrong I was). We are definitely our own worst critics. Most of it had to do with the abuse I endured growing up; verbal, emotional, physical and sexual.

You are well ahead of the curve in that you are already working very hard on yourself, and seeing therapists, and continuing to reach out for help. That's a very good thing. There are so many, many men out there that never get help for themselves (many thinking they aren't worthy of help) and drown themselves in a bottle or drugs, and die far too young. They sadly never find their way here or other places of healing. I know what you are going through must be terrifically painful and shocking, but you ARE reaching out for help, so please give yourself some credit for wanting to give some care to yourself.
There is no other community of men that I can think of that can begin relate to what you must be going through than here; others with similar stories. This is a safe harbor; we're glad you found your way here through the storm.

 

[LRD]

@repressed, welcome to MS. Thank you for sharing this part of your story. I takes a great deal of courage to open up about our past that is almost unbelievable and unbearable.
It was later in life for me before I truly discovered the the severity of my abuse.
It come full circle after a few tragic events in my life helped me face the past.
MS is a great resource that is full of understanding men who have all experienced
similar discoveries. Please continue your journey and having a therapist is definitely a big plus. Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone and none of it was your fault. Wishing you the best with Peace and Hope. LRD

 

[Alidade]

I was in the Navy and stationed in Iceland when I first remembered being tongue fucked by my grandmother's brother after he helped us move into our new home. I had never seen it that way because I was so young when it happened. When the memory returned it was completely undeniable that I had been sexually abused. That memory led to more returning. I often wish they hadn't.

 

[Gayornot]

I remember my brother abusing me, and while it was correct I always felt there as more. One day I had flashes of my brother inserting his penis in my mouth when I was very young and sharing a bedroom with him. He has always been a sociopath and I have nothing to do with him anymore. I know he also abused his children who he kept away from us. My last conversation I told him how much I detested him and what I would do if we were in the same room. He was always a bully so that was very gratifying to me.