I didn't, I don't, Forgive

I didn't, I don't, Forgive
A

Aden

Registrant
Who in your life do you feel close to?

I dont feel close to anyone. There are friends and family, people I dont want to hurt. There is no one that I could not exclude from my life forever. It hurts to leave people behind. Sometimes not as much as it hurts to keep them around.

I dont mess up my relationships. I wait until they are ready to let me go and then cut them off without any hope for forgiveness. But the unapologetic dont deserve to be forgiven. Fuck em! Maybe that explains the long line of one night stands.

I dont ever want to be abandoned or neglected again. So, when I see it coming, I step out of the way. My reasons are good enough. But I think that I need to learn to let go and forgive. The problem is that I dont have a forgiving bone in my tired old body. I let things pass, put up with crap and carry on sometimes. But I never forgive. I cant!

At the very least, it would be nice to forgive myself. Maybe then I could spread it around. But I cant stop being the one who is wrong. It is always my fault. How can I forgive the ones who never forgave me for what I did not do?

The answer to my question is that I dont feel close to anyone. Closer to some than others, but not so close that I cant cut them loose in a seconds notice.

That is not the life I had expected, because once I was a loving child who trusted and easily forgave.
I dont want to be a baby again. I just want my soul back. I didnt sell it or trade it. It was taken by force.

Aden

PS: Re-reading this I see a lot of I dont and I didnt and Forgive I need a head fix on this one.
 
Aden,

What you write here is so poignant. I keep being told I have to first forgive myself before I can even think of forgiving anyone else.

I believe that until I am able to do this, I am the self fulfilling prophecy of gloom and doom.

I hear what you say about once being a happy child. I saw a little boy with his mom yesterday that I talk to everytime he comes for therapy. I finally asked Christine how old Alister was. She said 2-1/2. He is such a joyous child.

And it sent me over the edge because I know that at his age, I was the same way. And would never be again less than a year later.

You are right. Our souls were taken by force.

Peace,

Marc
 
I understand that barrier thing, at least for myself and I think it is at least similar to what you are writing about.

I think its a natural reaction as is all of what you have written about in your post.

I've been reading "The Mosaic Mind" at my therapist's suggestion. I skip over the really academic stuff and look more closely at the simple explanations of how people who were abused as children cope with what results from the abuse.

Some of what you wrote could be added to those descriptions and fit right in.

Nobody's asked me for forgiveness and, frankly, I don't know what I'd do if any one of them did. I've separated myself from them.

I feel guilt and shame about all that happened even though I wasn't actually guilty of anything and all the shame rightfully belonged to them.

That's what you're saying, isn't it?

If so, I think you are right and when anyone of us states that for himself, I think it is a huge step forward. I like hearing it.

I mean this to help you. I hope it does at least a little. I'm kind of rambling. I just want you know that I hear you, validate what you are saying, and just want to say that what you are feeling is okay and appropriate in spite of what you were taught and how uncomfortable it all feels right now. (That's what I tell myself anyway.)
 
Interesting topic. One of the things I learned in working the steps of recovery is how often I hurt myself when I'm intending to protect myself from hurt.

If I want to keep myself remote and distant, the people I'm remote from don't care (at least not as much as I thought they should). They go on with life w/o me. I have not punished them; I've punished myself.

If I want to harbor grudges or judge people rather than forgive -- again, I'm the one wasting emotional energy. They go on their merry way while I sit and stew.

A lot of this came home to me when I went forward and asked for forgiveness from people I had wronged. It taught me a valuable lesson in a way I never could have expected -- a lot of people think I'm worth forgiving. They think I'm worth keeping around, even if I do F up from time to time. And they're glad to get the chance to say it. And exposing a weakness to them and not getting abused made me realize that many people in this world are pretty darn good and kind. It's made me closer to them.

And to the people that I now forgive, the effect is a simple one. I'm basically taking from them the power to hurt me. I used to think it made me weak to ask for forgiveness or to forgive someone. Now I realize it makes me strong.
 
We do constantly mess up relationships, sometimes, I don't how deep it is getting, other times I fall too deep, just to find a girl is only looking for friendship.

I find that I am a friendly sort of guy who can make a friend out of almost anybody, young or old, I sometimes hurt by winding people up, but I always apologise and tell them I mean no harm, it is good to humble yourself sometimes, I find it works. At work I am the guy who always helps others out if they need it, always have been that way, it doesn't always work in retrospect, but isn't that how we find who our true friends are.

I think we have to find a way of dealing with so many more emotions than others we live and work with, it is difficult to strike a balance, as we have had to deal with things our way, and don't really know what it would be like to live a normal childhood and learn these things naturally.

But hey, we are getting there, there are worse folk than us, I find I can be magic sometimes, I find that I have more than most, by the way of friendship.

I try to be positive even when the World seems to be so bad, and so many bad things are happening, somedays I think what the hell is going on out there, a world full of woe and suffering, it should never have been that way, we must change it and try to live as best we can with what is left, we have a lot of things in us that we never see, a lot of strong points we don't realise we have got.

We must be positive and not live in this shit all of our lives, let the positive outway the negative, take the blame away, why blame yourself?

It wasn't you're fault it happened, easy to say, and I have been there, but we need to stop the blame as it has so much a negative effect on our well being, we all blame ourselves in some way, but for god's sake Why?

There is a way thru if we can find it

take care

ste
 
Guys - Forgiveness is a really tough issue for me. My hurts were so deep over such a long time, no one could talk to me about forgiving those &$@#^&% Perps (many). At some point I came to realize that forgiveness was more about me not holding onto anger, hate and disgust - not about making anyone apologize to mwe for what they did BUT rather my letting go of that negative, revengeful, rageful energy so I could replace it with what I could do for myself now - today - in the present! I found I could not move forward because, whenever I tried, these hateful, angry feelings so outrageiously angry at them that I couldn't get positive energy to move further. For years I could not even understand how anybody could forgive those ^#$%@(*&. BUT the more I moved to relinquish those hurts, pains, outrages...then I was able to put more focus on myself and healing.

I hope this makes sense? I still work at forgiving because I realize I couldn't forgive at once but in steps and stages. I am still in process.

Howard
 
Forgiveness is the option of the giver. I firmly believe that you need not forgive to heal. Because if that is case, I will never heal. I think I would forgive the person who abuse me sexually before I will my father.

I trust, completely and fully trust, fewer people then I could, but more then I ever thought I would. Make sense? I didn't think so!

Actually, counting it out, I think I am rather surprised and proud of myself with who I do trust, both fully and to a good extent. The sad thing is, no one from my biological family is on that list (my grandmother, mom's mother, is dead now, or she would be). But I do value greatly the ones who are so trustworthy, and cherish them as friends and 'family' of me.

leosha
 
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