I did something really stupid...

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I did something really stupid...
L

LostandTroubled

Registrant
This might contain some triggers...triggers me anyway. I start crying just thinking about it.


Ok, well, here goes. As I've said in another post, Perp 3 - I'll call him Mr. H (he was my teacher) - was refusing to confess to anything more than statitory rape. Well, the police let him go, but he has to wear this tracker that lets them track his every move so that if he goes near (within 100 ft) of a place where kids gather (schools, parks, etc) or my house, the police can stop him. So, anyway, he's at his house.
I went to see him today (I know, big mistake) to give him back the clothes he gave me and ask him to please confess. He seemed happy to see me - just a little angry, he asked me: "Why baby? Why did you tell? Don't you love me?"
I said that I had no choice but to tell and that I did love him but it was over and then gave him the clothes and asked him to confess.
He said (and I'm not sure if I'm quoting this right, but it was close): "I have nothing to confess to, other than what I've already told the police. You came to me, you're just as guilty as I am."
He then went on to say he loved me and missed me. He started playing with the collar of my shirt and I pushed his hands away. I tried keeping him away by putting my hand out keeping him at arms length, but he bent my finger until I pulled it away. Then he pinned me down on the couch with his body and began kissing me.
I had no power to stop him. I couldnt even bring myself to speak. He took me into the bedroom where he made me put on the school uniform I hate so much. I was crying the entire time. He took pictures of me (porn) he said that if he was going to jail he wanted something to remember me by. Then we had sex. I guess he was mad because he wasnt as gentle as he usually was and it hurt a lot. Afterwards he told me not to say anything.
First of all, I want to say to everyone who told me not to see him Im sorry I didnt listen. Im a stupid little kid. I didnt mean to hurt anyone or use anyone as someone put it (and I cant believe they said that Im sorry, but I did not use anyone). I should have listened and I didnt you were right and I was wrong. The advice was good but I guess kids just arent good at taking it and making intelligent decisions. I didnt set out not to listen, but something got the best of me and I went to see him anyway. I wont see him again. And I think to be fair, though, is to realize that Im not an adult, my decisions are often last minute and rational, I am 14 and when left alone (which I was this morning when I left to see him) theres no telling what I might do. Believe me, I took the advice into consideration before I left, but I figured if he loved me, he wouldnt hurt me and that I could take control of the situation. Like I said, Im a stupid little kid. Maybe I was hoping that someone would tell my parents, no one did.
I still think part of me loves him. Maybe that sounds stupid after everything hes done to me. I feel really low here guys. Because I still love him to some extent its hard to tell on him. Even though I know I should. I thought I could handle the situation. I thought I could get him to stop. But I couldnt.
I know I need to tell someone my parents and the police but its hard to find the courage to do so. I know everyone is trying to protect me. I should have protected myself, but like I said, Im a kid and sometimes, I guess, I just dont know any better. Im young and stupid.
I dont know why I posted this (maybe hoping that my parents would see, though Im not sure if they visit this board). Im very depressed here. I know what I did was wrong and stupid. I hope they lock up Mr. H because if they dont Im not sure I can stop seeing him. I know he hurt me. I know what he did was wrong, so why does part of me still love him? Why does part of me believe everything he told me? Im so confused and hurting very badly.
Any advice would be helpful (and listened to this time I promise!). Im still building the courage to tell my parents. I hope I find it soon.
Im sorry I didnt listen.
 
Kids do stupid things, its what they do. You are still in the process of growing up and you have not had it easy to say the least. Your life is filled with mixed messages and confusion.

What you need to do is realize that Mr. H doesn't love you, he doesn't really care about you because if he did then he wouldn't do this to you. You need to tell your parents, I know it might be hard, but its what needs to be done, he needs to get locked up so he can't do this to other kids. Most of all, the most important thing is DO NOT GO BACK!! Even now, you'll probably have the urge to go back. WHY? probably because you want answers as to why he would do this to you? Well I can tell you this, your not going to get them from him. You didn't deserve this. Your going thru a hard time, your confused, and you made a mistake BUT that doesn't give him the right to do that to you. Your a kid your allowed to make a mistake.

HE DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT TO YOU. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT!!! I have this great urge to come over there and help you with this, and if I could I would.

You don't deserve this!! You don't!!!
 
Nao, dear, Nao,

I want you to listen to me, okay?

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT!

IT WAS THAT ANIMAL'S FAULT!

THAT ANIMAL IS GOING TO PAY!

You have so much courage, my dear brother. You're still telling, even when they tell you don't. I am STILL very proud of you.

Please, Nao, for YOUR sake, even though it's hard, tell your parents and the police RIGHT AWAY if you haven't done so. If you still have the clothes you wore, keep them. Don't wash them, even if you want to. It's evidence.

He will lie. He will continue to lie. It's expected, but no matter what he said, HE BROKE THE LAW! HE WILL BE PUNISHED FOR IT.

You did what you did. There's nothing more to be done EXCEPT GETTING THIS ANIMAL BACK OFF THE STREET!

I'll bet they'll put him in a cage like they should've the first time.

Nao, I'm praying for you. Please tell someone. Please. I know you will rise above this. You've already done so much.

Peace and much love, Nao. And thank you for telling.

Scot
 
I am going to respond as everything you have said since coming here is completely true.
I find the following problems here.

1) I have serious issues with the lack of supervision by your parents. They are either in complete denial of the danger, or they are negligent. In light of your resent actions, you should Not be left home alone at all.
You have clearly demonstrated that you are not currently able to keep yourself safe. I.e. cutting yourself, taking pills from friends, seeking out abusive people, and keeping these things secret.

2) Nao, you have far too much unsupervised time, at home and certainly on-line. You should not have unsupervised time on-line without the knowledge and consent of your parents and therapist.

3) You must stop keeping secretes from your parents, therapist & psychiatrist.

4) You need to take all your medications as prescribed & keep those in #3 aware of how it is or isn't effecting you.

5) You can't be in chat telling people things your not discussing with your therapist and parents. You should only talk about things in chat that your therapist has given you the OK for.

6) You are dangerously out of control. Your immediate safety & long term welfare is in imminent danger.

7) The time for you to be anonymous is over. You need to give the Malesurvivor administrator a phone # to contact your parents. They have to know EVERYTHING your doing, talking about, and planning. No one here has the ability to just tell your parents.

8) You truly need far more help than all of us combined can give you. We can not even attempt to be effective in helping you at this time. This is a Support Forum and support chat. Not a therapy office. It is not designed as one and does not have the ability to address your issues in a therapeutic manner. You are not going to get what you really need here, & real growth and healing will not take place as long as coming here and venting remains your means of dealing with your trauma.

9) Take heed now. I for one will no longer engage in any conversation with you unless you do so.

10) I am forwarding a copy of this to your parents member name, BrianMiko, at this time.
 
Blacken - Don't really know how to respond to that, other than to say that my parents are not negligent and I take offense to you calling them that. So they stepped out of the house for like an hour - that doesn't make them bad people and I told them I was going to the mall so I'm to blame for lying to them. They are very loving, caring people who are involved in my recovery.
I'm also aware that this is a support forum and chat room. I'm not coming here for therapy - my therapist is for that, but some things are easier to talk about anonymously behind a screen name than face to face with someone. I will tell my therapist more about my abuse when I feel ready.
I'm hurt that you would shut me out. I'm sorry that I'm human and make mistakes. The truth is, I am. I'm 14 and how many of us listened to common sense at 14 - probably not many of us. Yes, I should have listened and didn't and now I'm sorry and I'm hurting beyond belief so I already got punished for not listening.

Jtt5254 and crisispoint - Thank you for your support. I appreciate it.

Time to cry myself to sleep.
Nao
 
Nao,
For the love of God, please tell and get help. You are a confused young man, do not even think of giving up your soul to this creep. I encourage you to keep away from H for your own sake. He may try to harm you or take your life. KEEP AWAY!!! Be strong and tell your family immediatley. You are going to get through this, but please, take steps to fix your situation, and do it now. Immediate action is imperative! I am praying for you!
Casey
 
Nao,

You don't seem to like Blacken's post. So why not stop lying to your parents? They can do a much better job keeping you safe if you are working with them.

I think a lot of people will say things behind their login names here before they will say them face to face. I'm pretty sure that no one can make their life better until they trust the good people in their lives to help them. That's face-to-face trust.

Please don't go back to that perp. His "love" is not healthy. It's not even legal. Any porn pictures he took recently just add to the list of crimes he has committed.

You deserve better. You can't have anything better until you step up and do your part to get it. Whether you went there or not, he should not touch you. He should not take those pictures.

Report these acts. When the authorities find the pictures, they will not need a confession from him. You will protect many other children by stopping this creature. No matter what he says, you are not the only one, or the special one, or even his favorite one.

Do what is best for yourself. Take care of yourself.

Joe
 
nao,
i have a teen foster son that i love very much. he is also in danger over some choices he has made and other people have hurt him as well. there were choices that he made that put him in grave danger and once i, and lady theo, found out about it, we were able to help him find the safety he needed. he is still our foster son and we love him very much. i understand your anger at the words that blacken used. i do not consider myself nor lady theo irresponsible for trusting our foster son to make choices he could not make at the time because we both thought he could make the choices. you did make a choice to see him, but you did not agree to be abused again...that is all "mr. h's" doing and responsibility. you made a choice to go see him to talk to him, and you have admitted that and have taken the first step in taking responsibility for it. the next step would be to tell your parents. if that is something you have difficulty with right now then they will probably see this post and follow through with it, but it will help you in your own sense of self and recovery to tell them yourself if you can.

it is easier to say things behind a screen name, i understand that. i don't think blacken intended to be insulting to you or your parents. there are times when i have to share things anonymously here before i can understand them enough to share with lady theo. that is what i think you were doing. the point is that you are a minor and are at greater risk of being harmed and that is why i would have said somethiing like blacken did to point you back to your parents who can protect you and have done so to the best of their ability. you noted in your response that the forum is not your therapy, that is true, and not many recognize that. we are here to support each other. i am sorry the words were harsh that blacken used, but i can understand the message he meant to say. he was wrong to say that about your parents, they are not irresponsible, just like i was not irresponsible to trust my foster son with making choices he was not able to. we as parents, just don't know at times, the difference is that when we do know we do everything we can to eliminate the danger our children our in. this is what your parents are like.

i, and the other brothers, are here for you, nao. you can pm me if you need to. take care.
 
Nao,

Believe me when I say I will NEVER shut you out.

However, I must repeat my request that you TELL your parents, therapist, and police what has happened. You MUST also, please! stay away from this animal, these animals, because they will don NOTHING ELSE but try to control you, intimidate you, hurt you, or something worse in order to keep their filthy secrets.

Yes, I did stupid, foolish things at 14. They were still foolish. I still do stupid things myself now, but we must learn from them.

Nao, you are stronger than you know. PLEASE know that we all care for you and need you to do what's necessary to protect yourself.

You're there for me, now let me be there for you. I will always support you, we all will.

Please, do the right thing.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Hi all,
I told my parents last night after logging off...we talked about a lot. I don't really feel like going into details, but I did talk to the police and they're going to arrest Mr. H (if they haven't already).
My parents posted a more detailed post in the Family and Friends board.
Thank you to all who supported me.
Nao
 
Hi!
I don't have a lot of time here between work and night school. I wish I had seen this earlier. I relate a lot to what you posted. I couldn't tell on the man who was molesting me when I was 8 until I learned he had also been molesting my younger brother. I found this out when he exposed himself to both of us one evening. Until then I felt totally alone in the world.

I don't know if any of what I'm sharing is stuff you can identify with or not, just take what you can use and leave the rest. After my brother and I told on the man, he was arrested and taken away. In ways I missed him and his actions, because I was used to being a lonely loner, even before this man came into my life.
I had (in 20/20 hindsight) very low self-esteem and he gave me attention and the way he abused me was usually very gentle. I had to work through, in therapy, feelings I had of believing he loved me and wanted me to be with him.
My parents , I know now, did do the best they were able to do for me when I was a child but their own dysfunctional upbringing helped to isolate and set me up for this man to take advantage of. He did NOT love me. I know that now.
I wish the best for you.

Art
 
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