I did it again...

Status
Not open for further replies.
I did it again...
S

Sick Puppy

Registrant
I did it again. I shot up again. Last night, and the night before. I know it's stupid. I know I'm ruining my life. I don't know what else to do. I was in pain and it was the only way I could think of to aleviate it for a while. I feel all alone. I don't have anyone to go to. I only have a couple friends and none of them want to hear me talk about these things. If I try to bring it up it's just dismissed as "ew" or something and the subject is changed. I can't directly ask for help. I don't think I'd get it anyway. So I shoot up.

I was lucky the couple other times I slipped up; I didn't get hooked again. I doubt I will be so lucky a third time. I know I'll ruin everything. I'll be broke again, and maybe out of a home if my uncle finds out. Dave won't stay with me long if he knows I've been using again. I know all this yet I can't stop myself. Maybe I want to destroy myself. Having a decent life has been far more painful than I ever expected. I'm used to being in the gutter... I don't think I can deal with life outside it.
 
SP:

Is this something Dave is able to help you with? How about your T (if you have one)? Are there any local NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings? How about
some time in inpatient detox?

Becuz you are right. This stuff is ruining your life. Do what it takes to keep yourself from destroying yourself SP.

Having a decent life has been far more painful than I ever expected. I'm used to being in the gutter... I don't think I can deal with life outside it.
Click to expand...
Yes I relate to those feelings. But SP we can't let them take over. We are worth more than that. You are worth more than that.

Living a decent life hurts mostly becuz we are so unaccustomed to it. But it can get better. Living in the gutter is a familiar pain & thus deceives us into thinking its not so bad. But it can only get worse & it will destroy us.

SP I've been in the drug scene. As you know its a very bad scene. Get yourself out. If you have to admit yourself to a detox center do it. Get out. Alive. Where there is hope there is life and you are worth it.

Victor
 
If you have truly done what you claim, and this is not an attention seeking type of thing, then you have two options Josh. Get into hospital/rehab or die. You may not die today or tomorrow, but you will surely die in the near future. So my advice is simple. Don't waste time diarizing/sharing your activities on this forum, get your butt out the door and get medical help immediately. It's unfortunate that you see yourself as a 'sick' puppy, it will be tragic if we later remember you as a dead one. Peace, Andrew
 
Sick Puppy:

I have been where you are both with Alcohol and heroin.

I will not deny that this thype of addiction is extremely difficult to deal with; especially alone. Are you shooting up heroin??

I had a very good friend at the time help me off heroin. And with alcohol I started into AA and got a sponsor right away. He was a real son of a bitch and that was what I needed.

SP I am gonna tell you that the worst thing that can happen to me is the POOR ME's. I fight that tooth and nail. Alson I have never said I will not do drugs or alcohol again. I JUST WONT DO THEM TODAY.

That way I have put together many days of sobriety since October 29, 1976 and many days of heroin addiction since the time I was almost 22. I am now 62.

Once again it is not easy. BUT SICK PUPPY YOU GOTTA DO IT A DAY AT A TIME AND YOU MUST REALLY WANT TO DO THAT. IT TAKES TOTAL COMMITTMENT ON YOUR PART AND THE ABILITY TO TOTALLY RESIST THE GODDAMMED POOR ME'S YOU GOT THAT.
It is tough for me to tell you this so forcefully but I cannot think of another approch.

You say you have no one to talk to. But you have told us that your Uncle is a great guy and had nothing but support for you when you told him about your SA.
You have also told us that Dave is a great Guy.

SICK PUPPY IN ADDITION TO THOSE TWO WHO ARE VERY CLOSE TO YOU YOU HAVE ALL OF US HERE IN THE PACK. SO DONT TELL US YOU HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO.

COULD IT BE, AND AGAIN THIS IS TOUGH LOVE, THT YOU DO NOT WANT HELP OR TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THESE PARTICULAR DEMONS. REMEMBER THEY DO NOT OFFER YOU ANYTHING BUT TO PUSH YOU FURTHER INTO TOE MUD. DO YOU WANT THAT. PERSONALLY I DONT THINK THAT YOU DO. BUT ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT.

NOW I AM GONNA GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE THAT MY SPONSOR USED TO GIVE ME.

GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND SEEK HELP. I DONT CARE WHERE YOU GET IT OR HOW YOU GET IT OR WHO YOU GET IT FROM BUT GET IT. AND YOU HAVE TO WANT TO. IT IS NO GOOD TO HUDDLE ALONE AND FEEL GUILTY AND ALONE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE. SICK PUPPY THAT IS AN EXCUSE NOT A REASON. DAMMIT YOU ARE NOT ALONE DO YOU HEAR ME.
STOP THE SELF PITY. IT IS THE MOST SELF DESTRCUTIVE BAHAVIOUR I CAN THINK OF FOR ME AND ANYONE ELSE HERE.

SICK PUPPY YOU KNOW THAT I AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE LOVES YOU. THAT IS A FACT SO BELIEVE IT. AS DOES DAVE AND YOUR UNCLE. THAT IS A FACT SO BELIEVE IT TOO.

YOU HAVE SO MANY REASONS TO DO THIS. SELF RESPECT FOR YOUSELF, AND THE LOVE THAT EVERYONE HAS FOR YOU. YOU DO NOT NEED TO HAVE ANY OTHER REASONS THAN THAT TO DO IT.
 
(((((((((((((((((hugs my fellow wolf))))))))))))))). Just remember your not alone, we are here to help you. But I have to agree with everyone else. Sick puppy we cant help you if you have a neddle in your arm, because in reality if you do you dont want our help. Reach out to us when you at your lowest. We not just here to help when you feel like crying or just when times are good. Sick puppy we are HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are lots of ave.'s for you to get help, some have been listed here, one you can also do is call your local crisis line and take to someone there you dont have to give a name and they are trained to help. Goto NA... get a sponcer.... they have been where you are they know. Get a one day chip, carry it everywhere. The next time you feel like shoting up look at that chip, and know if you do that chip means nothing, and ask yourslef do you want to let yourself down like that? Ask yourself "Is this what Im worth?" Ask yourself "Who wants me to do this? ME? or my PERP"S?" If you do find yourself looking at the neddel again and feeling like you cant say "NO" then do this...Set it aside and say "OK, if I'm going to do this Im not going to do it right now, I'll wait one min. or 5 or 10" What ever time frame you think you can realistly give yourself. They say to take it one day at a time, to say to yourself "Today I will not!". But sometimes looking at it at a day at time is to much. If so then say "OK I'll stay sobor for the next hour/half hour/min/second. What ever time frame you have to use to keep yourself sobor. I've never used a neddel so I cant speak from first hand experence. But some here can. Privite message them/me/everyone/post here on how your feeling when you want to shot up. If it's in the evening's goto the chat room. Go for a walk. Sick puppy, we are here for you, let us help. But we cant help you after the fact, as much as we love and care for you we (not even with the power of the entire pack) can not turn back time. SP...I've read your post, you give great amounts of support to your brother's here. I'm not sure what you type of reaction you were expecting by your post, I wonder if the support your getting is what you really wanted, I wonder if wanted us to YELL/SCREAM/TELL YOU YOUR WORTHLESS/TELL YOU YOUR NO LONGER WELCOME HERE. Well only you know what you really wanted from your post. KNOW IS SP WHAT YOU GOT WAS THE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF YOUR BROTHER WOLVES!!!! Good luck with demond, SP I have faith in you. You can win this battle. SP lots of love for you, and once more ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
James
 
Originally posted by andrew-almost52:
If you have truly done what you claim, and this is not an attention seeking type of thing, then you have two options Josh. Get into hospital/rehab or die. You may not die today or tomorrow, but you will surely die in the near future. So my advice is simple. Don't waste time diarizing/sharing your activities on this forum, get your butt out the door and get medical help immediately. It's unfortunate that you see yourself as a 'sick' puppy, it will be tragic if we later remember you as a dead one. Peace, Andrew
Click to expand...
I'm sorry...

I'll just shut up... :(
 
Josh,

That's the wrong approach. Don't shut up, get out and get help. What we can do online and in chat is not enough.

Keep coming back here, but get some real live in-person help. Quickly. We don't want to lose you, and you deserve to get better.

Joe
 
Josh, the choices are all yours. You are 23 years old. An absolutely perfect age to begin your life. In almost zero time you can turn things around. The world is a big place and you have time, lots of it, on your side. I wish I was 23 years old again. So make your choices well Josh. You can choose to: 1) stick another needle in your arm. 2) get help at a hospital or medical/counselling facility 3) contact an MS moderator directly via PM for help. 4)quit feeling sorry for yourself. 5)start living your life instead of just surviving. 6) fade away somewhere and die 7) make your life start counting for something.

My advise is to deal with the priorities Josh. Get off the junk if you are on it. And then get on with living .....everyday living shit ... and that doesn't mean spending all your energies trying to deal with sexual abuse issues ....remember the SA you endured is only a small part of your past, there is a whole lot more to you that you have never shared but is fairly obvious to me. i.e. you have a sensitivity and intelligence (your writing is that of a bright educated young man) that belies the one-sided background you have related in this forum, so build on the strengths that you were born with and somehow absorbed along the way. The SA is not happening now, there is nothing to fear. I'm somewhat glad we aren't meeting in person Josh because you'd find my boot planted firmly and not so gently on your backside. Peace, Andrew
 
Hey, Josh, it's me, David, one of the Daves in your life.

My heart goes out to you today, much like the guys who have responded to you already.

Boy, can we beat ourselves up. I'm not excluding myself from this behavior.

From the simple act of over doing it with chocolate--I really LOVE Hershey's chocolate--to shooting up, drinking and driving and playing Russian Roulette, the risks are the same.

If one has diabetes and over indulges in anything sweet, it's just a matter of time. If one shoots up, drinks and drives or plays games with a loaded gun, the time line becomes way shorter before we can get into really serious trouble, or even die.

I know that death doesn't frighten most of us--RIP, will be a welcomed sign above our heads when we die.

We don't want you to die, Josh, not just yet.

You've become so important to us.

We were hoping that through your posting and writing to us, that we would become important to you, too.

Do you know why I haven't killed myself? Someone who you would think has it all--God, Josh, if you could meet my wife and daughters, you'd think that I was out of my mind for even thinking such thoughts.

It's them, Josh. They are the reason that I haven't taken that Ruger and blown my head off.

And now, it's you guys, too. I've got you guys.

I've got a family to live for--to love and protect--and now I've got you guys. I've never had friends, people who cared about me, who really care about me.

Know what? You've got them, too, Josh.

You are them, for me.

And, you got us for you.

I've never seen such love poured out for anyone, Josh.

These guys love you. Do you know that?

Maybe you've seen my post where I told you guys what it was that my wife told me when I couldn't figure out why she just didn't go away and leave me.

"Because I love you," she keeps telling me. My God, I think that after all these years, I'm finally able to understand what that love means.

You got to hear these guys, Josh--I'm included--
we love you.

Put that in your heart and use it.

We've been so bounced around, some of us more than others. We've had our emotions stifled, our developments arrested, our love warped, our lives threatened, our bodies beaten and abused, our minds bent, good lord, talk about scaling Everest.

Josh, get back here, rope up us with us, set your ice axe, kick another toe hold, we're going for it and we don't want to leave anyone behind.

Josh, one of the things that's really got me excited about life is that I'm planning to attend the conference in MN in Sep. Just mentioning that here got some responses from the guys. We're actually going to have the opportunity to meet one another. Ya, thank each other in person for the support we've gotten here.
Can you come?

I think that I'm going to go to the retreat in Nov., as well. I've got to have some peace with all of this, Josh.
Can you attend?

I hope that you will see this site as recovery and not as a sad place, but as a site where you can come,

"and everyone knows your name."

Josh, be strong, we're here for you.

Please be here for us.

Just ONE of your brothers,

David
 
Josh,

STOP. NOW. I do not know your uncle, Dave or any of the other guys here.

I know that I would miss your posts, if you disappeared.

You have thought about the consequences about last night. I want to know the root: why?

The answer is in you somewhere. What is it?

Better life can become a habit. It takes time.

Read your pm, please.

Freedom.
 
Josh

You missed the point little brother. You gotta get help and that is a fact.

As freedom says your posts are extremely helpful to us all.

But Josh if you cannot surmount the two demons alone get help. I dont care if you come into chat at night or whatever. But you gotta have someplace or someone you can talk to when these goddamned dragons come howling at your door. You can send me a private post at any time Josh believe me.

I was only trying to impress upon you that they are huge issues better delt with not alone.

Josh you can stop anything for one day and you know it. The key is to string lots of those todays together.

Your caring brother wolf

Mikey

AAWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
Josh -

Listen to all your brothers wolves here. We are banding together around you.

Espcially listen to MikeChurch whose forceful words are said in love and compassion.

Get help, and lose the 'poor me's'...

We support you, and care about you. Now join us.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Peace little bro',
I got your back,
James
 
Josh
Having a decent life has been far more painful than I ever expected.
Click to expand...
That's so true, we believe we don't deserve anything good and decent in our lives, and we sabotage ourselves. I think it's a very common thing.

It's a "crisis of feelgood" that we have, and we need to share it before it gets out of control and we self destruct.

Perhaps if you asked for Dave's and your Uncles help they would give it willingly, and it'll be far better than trying to explain when they find out.

People really care about you Josh, and there's no shame in calling in a favour sometimes because a guy like you will repay the favour many times over.
You share yourself Josh, accept your share back.

Dave
 
Hey, SP, all these guys are throwing you lifelines!! I hope you can feel our concern.

So you made some choices recently you are not proud of. Well, that's yesterday and this is today! You have a whole new opportunity, a whole new set of choices...remember why you are here and we are here to help you get there!!You and I - we all are here for recovery, a better life - free from the perps. A chance to be able to be happy and feel clean! These are still your choices!

I've followed your posts and read the support you shared with us guys! I've noticed the progress you've made with the posts, your words and your thoughts!! Sure, we get rough times and feel overwhelmed...but with all the guys here, you don't have to carry the load alone!! When you feel the alone-bug itching, scratch it with your computer and reach out!!

Very seriously, drugs will cover the feelings and problems but those issues will be there in the morning and you'll feel worse. We don't want to cover those problems, we want to unload them - get rid of them - resolve them so they are not there in the morning!!!

So - stay with us guys and out of that slime pit back there!!

Howard
 
hi Josh,
The only good thing about numbing ourselves is the strength we gain in recovering.

Man! 23! A current song says it all, being old is half as fun as growing old. Something like that. You got some GREAT times ahead and a lot of lives to touch and save along the way. Who will save them if you're not there? Who better than you can save the children?

Get well, stay well,
Michael
 
Josh,

Please please please please talk to someone in your personal life about this. Seek help somehow, whatever it takes.

I'm not going to tell you how to feel, that you need to not feel miserable or defeated for slipping. You already know that, and if I knew the sudden magic words to change how you think I probably wouldn't need to be here in the first place.

I will tell you this. There are a lot of people here who care about you a great deal. That must be obvious from the outpouring here. Though I'm not particularly vocal, I am certianly among them.

You've visibly come so far in the short time you've been here. I can sense that just in your posts. Please don't let all that improvement go to waste.

You say Dave won't understand, I think he just may. If he is half the great guy you have made him out to be I believe that he will understand and do his damndest to stand by you and help you through this.

Is your slipping an intentional attempt to sabatage yourself because your life is going well? I can't answer that, only you can. But I would ask you this. With all the horror and difficulties you've suffered and had to overcome in your life, don't you think you deserve to have your life be doing well? Doesn't God or Fate or the Cosmos or whatever the fuck is out there owe you some decent times? I sure as hell think so.
And if you don't I want you to imagaine you are speaking to someone else who has had the same life you have had. Wouldn't they deserve a good life if they had your past?

Please do not "just shut up now." Seek help and let us know how we can help supliment the personal help you need to get for this struggle. That is what we are here for, but cyber voices alone surely are not enough.

I'm simply starting to repeat other sentiments stated here now so I'm going to wrap it up.

I know that we haven't talked much, but if you need or want, you can PM me and I will do all that I can to help however I can.

We all care a great deal for you Josh, and we want you around for a good long time.

-Eric
 
So JOSH!

What are ya gonna do? Ya gonna let that needle stick affect your life or what?

Does it talk to you?

That your best friend now?

What are you gonna do?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top