I deserve a break today
I just want to say thanks to everyone I've met and come to know in the chat room and on the boards. I have to take a break from dealing and healing if that is possible. I'm off my effexor and gonna start something else soon, I think. My therapy doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere but vented, my wife thinks I'm cheating on her through here, my therapist and my men's support group, my parents continue to tell me to get over it, my kids think I'm nuts, I'm having fits of anger and rage where I've been throwing and breaking stuff of no value when there is no one around, I can't deal with my job or my co-workers, my whole body aches, I'm tired, I can't sleep, I have anxiety attacks when my wife confronts me, I feel like I'm going backwards, not forwards. This is not something I can get over, but something I must get through. For now the best way I can cope is to just REPRESS and DENY anything ever happened, and try to get on with a normal functional life. I never felt like this before, and I want to go back to the way life was when I didn't care, remember, give a shit, or use what happened as an excuse for all the fucked up choices I make and have made in my life. I am what I am by my own free will, now I gotta live with the consequences and make my future what I want it to be. So I will deal with my crap later, and keep me and my kids safe.
Again, I have made some good friends, and I wish I could be there for you, and perhaps I will be checking in later. I will miss the chats with Kenf, quimik, arden, hurting, Tomas, UrsoBear and UrsoBear-, Thad 1 through 16, usedtoy, freevoice, Gideon, and of course, Lightfang. Sadly but still of importance, are many others who have come and gone. Hopefully those who don't visit more often are all "healed" eh?
This is gonna be difficult for me. Just knowing that you are all still here, healing with your strength and courage, gives me the same power to get through. I will never forget you and what you've done for me. I can never repay you.
Remember that we have what we need inside of us. When I can't find it, I'll think of you all and how you are closer to finding it, and that it is possible to find without a map, a shovel or hipwaders.
Be well stay well.
be back later.
Orodo
Again, I have made some good friends, and I wish I could be there for you, and perhaps I will be checking in later. I will miss the chats with Kenf, quimik, arden, hurting, Tomas, UrsoBear and UrsoBear-, Thad 1 through 16, usedtoy, freevoice, Gideon, and of course, Lightfang. Sadly but still of importance, are many others who have come and gone. Hopefully those who don't visit more often are all "healed" eh?
This is gonna be difficult for me. Just knowing that you are all still here, healing with your strength and courage, gives me the same power to get through. I will never forget you and what you've done for me. I can never repay you.
Remember that we have what we need inside of us. When I can't find it, I'll think of you all and how you are closer to finding it, and that it is possible to find without a map, a shovel or hipwaders.
Be well stay well.
be back later.
Orodo
Yes, it is a facade. Such a big one that we need to regroup and perhaps develop finesse. I just went through a major consciousness raising bunch of episodes with my own family, which became elevated to an altercation, then felt the grief and mope the whole next day. I spent a good day at the beach intoning about the "soporific dream of monopolistic capitalism" and the hypnotic trance of materialism. All this came after introducing the topic of the Catholic priest thing. All this with my brother, who has read Susan Brownmiller's book Against Our Will. Well, he later confessed that it all made him tired. So, I apologized for my years of unsupported agony. Maybe I was little overbearing and unsympathetic. After all, I can relate to the suffering. Hell, the next day I made unshakeable plans to go to the zoo, and the whole family came along. That didn't end too badly. Good luck and hang in there.
