I can't understand feelings i got

I can't understand feelings i got

Belmore

New Registrant
Firstly sorry for my shitty english.

I've always described myself as heterosexual, but at the same time, any relationship with a woman scares me.Even the thought of sex making me uncomfortable.
In the depths of my brain I feel like having a relationship with a woman or making love is like a bad thing to do.Like i will stain her or make her humiliated.

Lately im having doubts about my sexuality.It all started when a gay man said I was 100 percent gay.Hearing that infront of my friends made me feel like shit.After this incident began to doubt.Now i'm constantly checking nearly every man i came across.Always triying figure out im i gay or not.I wasnt have any gay thoughts when i was teenager.But now i feel like i have a gay side and im triying to supress it.Some days i am convincing myself this kind of thougths just results of my sick brain.Some days it got worse and im hundred percent sure im bi or gay.

Did any of you guys get through of this kind of shit?Is this feeling happens once gay man get out from his closet?Anyone can tell me what the fuck im going through?
 
hi
Belmore, what your going thru may be SSA =same sex attraction might be a result of sex abuse from a man I don't know because I don't know what happened to bring you here, if a man abused you it might be trauma repetition rearing it's head it's like a recreation of the abuse but this time your in charge of what happens its fairly common to survivors i'm told, in fact I have issues along these lines, my therapist (T) asked me if I just wanted sex with a guy or if I also wanted to snuggle make out etc if the 1st then most likely it's SSA if it's the 2nd one it may be your bi or repressed gay I don't have those answers but it's something you can look into...….BB
 
Hi Belmore - Welcome

First of all, Welcome to MS, I'm glad you made the decision to explore your sexuality in this non-judgmental group of emphatic survivors.

In spite of not knowing your gay friend, I think I could say without contradiction that he "doesn't know what the hell he's talking about." It's pretty difficult to try to un-hear a statement someone has made. But you know yourself much better than he will ever know you. It's your life and your decision to make.

A couple of generations ago we made a lot of (wrong) decisions because heterosexual marriage was what our culture dictated we do. That mind set has changed drastically so that we aren't necessarily bound by a course of action our parents, friends or peers thought we should take.

With the help of a professional therapist and the friendship and knowledge of the guys here you should explore your own feelings, sharing if you feel comfortable.

Best wishes, and welcome.

Blue
 
Thanks for your quick reply.

Im abused by a man and women up to nearly 3 years.Female one was my aunt.Lately my sexuality all over the place.Now when im near a gay guy
i just feel like im powerless and freeze.I cant understand this feelings because same things happens with womens too so i get more confused because of that.I never experienced this kind of situations with males before and i dont know what to do or what to get from that.
 
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Thank you so much with for your kind words.If i could have understand and trust the feelings i got i would be okay and not to worry about it too much and try to live my life.But my mind and my way of thinking is so messed up from the pains i got from the attacks i cant be sure anything in my life anymore.Someone is being kind and good to me?I immediately thinking he will try to use me.Someone asking me why im acting always strange near them?My mind thinks like hes figuring out that im questioning my sexuality and he will mark me as gay.
 
Hi Belmore

First welcome to MS I am glad you had the courage to come and ask for help. Lots of god people here to share and maybe be able to see yourself as who you are for a change. I would second bb's post. You are not alone in this any more.

Take care
Esterio
 
Hi, Belmore,
I've struggled with the same question, it seems very common. For me (and I speak strictly about myself, this may or may not apply to you), I've figured out that a word like "gay" can be a description, but also a very constrictive label, and for me it seems unhealthy to try to fit into a label that I don't feel has anything to do with my original, core identity. Having said that, I've also grown to the point that I no longer judge same-sex attraction or activity as being "bad", "sinful" or "unhealthy", as there's nothing wrong with it by itself, provided that it comes from a healthy place, not re-creating abuse issues, and that's where a lot of my struggle comes from. I think I understand your reservations about sex with women somehow making them "dirty", a part of me feels that sex is inherently dirty and abusive, so that's one reason for me to avoid having it with women, because I don't want to abuse or "contaminate" them, but being that I do have sexual needs, I've looked for strong men so they can use me for their pleasure. I've managed to have somewhat healthy same-sex relationships but the underlying dynamic for me seems that it's about me willingly allow myself to be used and abused rather than me doing that to somebody else. To me, that's very different from somebody whom at their core have always felt a same sex attraction and identifies as "gay" since very young, but unfortunately many well-meaning people and therapists could only see the label "gay" as the only possibility to explain my attractions to other men. A challenge for me is to allow myself to believe in the possibility that women actually like sex, I still have a hard time believing that, despite evidence that they actually do.
Because of all of this, I try to think outside of the "gay" box, I simply identify myself as a man and it's up to me with whom I relate to and with whom I may choose to be sexual (provided, of course, mutual consent between adults and a healthy relationship). I won't try to conform to a label but try to learn what is healthy and live my life honestly. Again, all this is just the way I see it, and I sure don't have all the answers, so just take whatever is useful to you and leave the rest. I hope this helps.
 
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