I can't take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore.
T

theboywithnoname

Registrant
I guess I should keep my name a secret, but I will tell you that I'm 26. For most of my life I've had a secret I haven't revealed to anyone because of guilt, social stigmas and embarrassment. I was sexually molested and psychologically abused by my mother from my 8th birthday until I was 17 and moved away from home to get away from her and our constant fighting. I've never told anyone, because Mothers have a sacred place in our society. Point out their particular shortcomings, say for example your mother's overbearing demeanor, low intelligence, controlling attitude and manipulative tendencies, and you're immediately branded a scoundrel. "Don't talk bad about your mother" people always say, "Your mother is such a funny woman" they say.

She is nothing more than a goddamn rapist to whom her son was indistinguishable from a cabbage patch doll.

These people mock me but they fail to understand how this woman systematically suppressed every single thing I was passionate about in my youth. They cannot possibly comprehend what its like to be fondled when you had the chicken pox, or to have your "temperature taken" 20 times a day when you had a cough. They were never called in at 6 pm each night for "workouts" sans-clothing. No one seems to recognize that boys can be victimized by women as easily as they can by men. Its a double standard that has confounded my attempts to be taken seriously and only caused my hate for this woman to fester.

It is so completely frustrating for me to have to look this slag in the eye and tell her "I love you" for the sake of the family. It disgusts me when I see what her abrasive and controlling personality have done to my wonderful and brilliant father and my older sister who moved out at age 15, ostensibly to flee the beast.

I hate this woman that gave me life for countless reasons. I can never forgive her for the things she did to me, physically and mentally. I find often, in between dealing silently with the various battles I wage inside my head against thoughts I will never admit to thinking, that I wish for her death. I want her to die so I can spit on her grave or perhaps have her cremated so that I can relieve myself on her ashes.

Is hate like that normal? I feel guilty every day for being a bad son. I don't talk to her, except when I'm forced to. I avoid her physical presence at all costs. I find her utterly revolting and she recognizes it. She laments to my father, in tears by his account, that I hate her and don't appreciate her. Fuck her. The only thing I feel really guilty about is how my hatred for my mother has ballooned into an unintentional hatred of most women. Try being a straight man when you secretly suspect most women of being conniving wretches... its not easy!

And then I have the days where I say to myself, its not her fault. My mother was sexually molested too - I know this for a fact because the greasy bitch never failed to tell me about it in all the detail she could muster. I realize that its not her fault that she's so fucked up, and I should forgive her.

But I can't! Because I realize that she has fucked me up too, and I know that what she did was evil, even if other's don't believe me or think Moms are capable of such things. I know that I will NEVER harm my children the way I was.

But I wonder, am I capable of these kinds of things too? Its terrifying, and I hate my mother for it. I can't keep my secret anymore because its making me go mad. I came here because even though people don't think women abuse boys you formerly abused boys might still believe me.

Thanks for reading. I feel a little better knowing someone will read this. Would really like to hear about other men abused by mom or some encouragement.
 
boywithnoname

Welcome to the Male Survivor site, and thanks for posting. The first priority here is the safety of the guys who come here, so your use or non-use of your name is entirely up to you. Everyone here will understand and will want you to do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable.

You raise a lot of points in your post, and I think the first thing you need to know is that NONE of the things you talk about you make you horrible or strange. Your mother utterly betrayed you as her son, so it's not surprising that you hate her. The hate is something to work on later, but certainly you should not feel guilty about this. Your attitude does NOT make you a bad son.

Nor is it surprising that you are a young man who is straight but very suspicious of women. That's a conflict between the way you feel now as an adult and the feelings you still have from when you were a boy.

Finally, it's a common myth that abused men go on to abuse their own kids, or other kids. It's also a gender prejudice. Do people look at a woman who has been raped and imagine that she will harm their kids?

In sum, rest assured that we believe every word you have said here. You are NOT alone, and though I am not a survivor abused by his mother, we do have men here who have suffered that kind of abuse and I am sure you will soon make contact with them.

Much love,
Larry
 
First off, congratulations for taking the huge step of actually writing that passage. That took courage. Also that anger and hatred you have for your mother is normal for someone who has been abused and it will last until you are ready to let it go. You have every reason and right to feel mad and resentful and i'm sure you know that. However, if you hold on to hate for too long, it will make you vengeful and you will have trouble coming to terms that not all women are kniving bitches. I was sexually abused by two men but my mother neglected to protect me and was verbally and physically abusive so I can relate to not trusting women. I still struggle with that issue today but its getting better. You will learn to trust again in time. Hell, I couldn't trust men or women, I felt like I was alone in this world like most sexual abuse survivors do. No wonder why its so hard to reveal the truth when we get older. We feel like everyone will ostracize us when in fact, that is not the case at all. We may catch some flack from our abusers, those who are trying to protect the abuser(s), or those who are in just plain denial but, the truth will eventually come out and the few who don't understand where your coming from will in time. Patience is a virtue. Also none of this was your fault and most people would rather take your side on this one if you shine the light on the truth. That comes when you feel ready for it. Also my abusers were abused as children as well but, they still know right from wrong. If I were to kill someone while driving drunk, I can't blame that on my father because he did it and I learned that behavior from him. Abusers use their power as a coping mechanism for their own issues, however, this does not mean that those who are abused have to turn around and do the same to their children when they grow up. We as humans have the power to stop that trend. I feel that your one of the people that will stop it just from what I read. Good luck my Friend

Jason
 
Hello Friend,

I BELIEVE YOU! With all that I have within me I believe you.

I'm so sorry you endured such trauma while you were growing up. The shame is not yours to bear however. It is all hers along with the toxic people who don't believe you or ridicule and shame you for what has happened.

I understand how it feels to feel shame, and I hope that in this place you can begin to throw it off as so many of us here have learned to do.

The abused boy takes on that shame because he is raised in a world where he's taught that adults are always right. The only logical conclusion he can draw then, is that he is in the wrong and so he takes on the shame and the identity of a bad boy, a fuck up. What a terrible thing to do to a child. No child should ever have to go through what you did.

Welcome to this place, Bro. I hope you find what you are looking for here. Feel free to say what you need to here even if it's angry stuff. You need to be able to get it out, and here you'll be listened to and believed.

Lots of love,

John
 
welcome to MS boywithnoname,

let me start by saying that I am very sorry you had to endure all you did from your mother - no child should ever have to edure such things and for that she really was no 'mother' to you

my mother really did'nt do anything to me that I could call directly sexualy abusive - but she was very abusive both physicaly and mentaly the whole time I was in that house

there are many others here who have had bad parents and will really understand what you are going through

At 34 I'm still single - I know that a lot of the reason for that is tied directly to my past with my mother - every single time I've ever been ina relationship and the woman has raised her voice to me it is suddenly as if my mother was standing there in front of me

yeah - it really hurts to have people say to me "your mother is such a wonderful person" - how little they really know...

keep coming and talking - it really does help

take good care of yourself,

TJ jeff
 
My friend's parents were the perps. Both of them.

Perhaps I can't directly relate to how it must feel to be betrayed by your own mother - but I know first hand that mothers are absolutely capable of abusing children - their own and others'.

I believe you 100%.
 
Welcome. I'm just coming to terms with what part my mother may or may not have had in my abuse. My first t said that I would have to face it eventually. I had my first flashback a month ago of being molested (gently, but molested) by a woman. I guess this is "eventually". No one will doubt you here. No one will blame you for your anger here. It would be more worrisome to me if you had none. What we will want you to do is use us to help you sort things out. Just talk to us when you want to and when you need to and when you're ready. You've found a place to be, and where all of your pain will be understood and accepted. We simply care about you and we do so on your terms. Bobby
 
boywithnoname

Welcome to MS

I wasn't abused by my mom but can understand the feelings of hate, anger, shame, guilt and not being able to trust.

I BELIEVE YOU!

It's hard to understand what we go through if you wern't a victim of CSA. Why would we make this up? All this pain and suffering. Made up? People that mock you need to get real. Don't bother to change them though. Help yourself. You'll find a lot of support here.

Sunny
 
boywithnoname, welcome to Ms and I hope this is the start of your healing.

I was abused by my mother who was also a victim of abuse by her father. That is still no excuse. That exact thought is what caused me to keep quite for so many years. I am 30 now and have only recently told my sister about the abuse. She believed me and has been my rock. My mother physically and emotionally abused her too and she is now struggling with bulimia as a result. I wonder if you talk to your sister maybe she can be help you as much as mine does?

Are you seeing a therapist? if not I advise you to as that has also helped me a lot.

Everything I read in your post struck a chord with me. Feeling guilty for having negative feelings about your mum. Hatred, fear of and intimidated by women. I with you 100% brother.

IT IS NOT OUR FAULT

My mother always used to tell me I'm just like my grandad (her abuser) and this still makes me worried that I'm evil inside and genetically pre-disposed to being an abuser. I know this is not true but you can't stop the voice inside saying it sometimes.

I am so determined that I will not be an abuser. Following on from this how can we excuse our mothers for what they did because they were abused? double standards no?

I could not forgive myself if I ever abused a child. Even the thought of it makes me sick to my very soul. I know that I am not capable of such things, so again, why should we forgive our mothers abuse because they were abused?

I feel exactly the same as you. Why should I have to pretend to love my mother for the sake of the family? I wrote her a letter telling her exactly this and that I never want to see her again. She then wrote me a letter back laying on the guilt trip. How upset I've made her, What an evil ungrateful son I am, How lucky I was to have such loving parents. Not even one sentence of concern about me, just a personal attack on mine and my sisters character. what a bitch. I hope she rots in hell and that I never have to see her again.

Keep strong, you are not alone. I feel your pain. It really feels good to find someone who is going through the same shit as me, although I wish you never had to go through what you did.

It does feel horrible, no getting away from it, but talking about it like you have takes great courage and strength. I think it is the way forward in recovering from our abuse. The more I talk about it the better I feel. At the start of this year I was having flashbacks a few times a day and I thought I was losing my mind. Now I don't even have them weekly. If you bottle this shit up it eventually forces itself out one way or another.

This site is full of wonderful supportive people and it has helped me loads. I hope it does you.

Send me a private message anytime if you want to chat about anything.

Take care of yourself

Craig
 
Thank you, everyone, for being so supportive. It really felt good to get that rant off of my chest. I still haven't confided to anyone in person yet, mainly out of concern for my father (who has been so isolated by my mother that he doesn't have anyone else).

Its shocking to me that there are so many others like me. I've always suspected that abuse was far more prevalent than statistics indicate. Humanity should be ashamed that we have yet to overcome such fundamental problems. Still, the outpouring of support has been warm and encouraging. Thank you.

D
 
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