I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it.

[MeditativeCycler]

I just can't take it.

I had a session with my therapist this morning, and finally addressed the memories of my second abuser. For years, I've been in denial that there was a second abuser in my life. I'd built up this wall inside that it couldn't have possibly happened because my second abuser was a woman that lived in the neighborhood.

Over and over, I just kept telling myself, "Women don't do that... women don't do that... Yeah, grandpa did that, but WOMEN don't do *that* A woman would never do that."

This must be old hat to those of you that have always known you had a female abuser or know you've had multiple abusers. I must sound whiny, and pathetic. I feel that way, certainly. Even now I don't believe a woman could ever do anything to a boy. Again and again I've searched the news stories until I find the very tiny number of stories of a woman... doing very bad things... to a 10 year old boy. But it's so rare. How could it happen to me if it's so rare? Woman... don't... do... THAT!

I just can't do it anymore though (No, I'm not feeling suicidal, just despondent). So much of me has been wrapped up in "This stopped when I was 8, and it was only ONE person" but no it wasn't. It happened again when I was 10, and I don't want to face it anymore. I'm so tired, so goddamned tired of working hard. I wish I could get drunk until I don't remember any of this, but I don't drink alcohol.

How do these people find me? She sensed that vulnerability in me. She saw that I would freeze up, wouldn't do anything, and just took advantage of the opportunity.

It's going to happen again. One of those people will find me. And I'm just too tired.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

In my life, women have been more vicious than any of the men. And I have encountered more than my fair share of awful females.

And if they picked us because we were vulnerable, well, we were kids. I was weaker than other kids, but - I was a nice, honest kid who didn't have anyone to teach me how to stand up for myself or how to deal with cruel people. I did the best I could with what I had. If people wanted to be evil, that's on them. I am not going to blame myself for it any longer.

An advantage to being an adult is that we get to spend more time learning how to better protect ourselves, so that the odds of us being victimized again are much less. I am not the same pushover I was when I was a kid.

 

[Ceremony]

Take some self care time dear MeditativeCycler

I use an App on my phone (it has ads at the end), called "Be Here Now" and I like it.

 

[dark empathy]

On the one hand, I'm afraid to say yeswomen do do that, I'm pretty sure at least a good part of the reason why it seems so rare is precisely because! everyone assumes women don't do that so it doesn't get reported, but as someone who was abused by multiple girls I can say that yes, they do.

On the other hand, abuse by a woman is no different to abuse by a man. It's a horrible, awful violation that has profound and nasty affects, but it is something it's possible to get through, it's something that it's possible to live with, and it's something that you can overcome the consequences of with strength and commitment and persistence just as myself and other guys have.

Stay strong, and don't let the abusers win, whatever their gender.

Luke.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[Tom E.]

MeditativeCycler
I'm sorry for your deep pain. It really hurts I know. Keep sharing with us.. keep coming back.

 

[DanielQ432]

Hey there. My only abuser was my father, so I am not qualified to speak about the dynamics of female abusers. Statistically, yes, rarer than abuse by males, but also probably under-reported, especially if the victims are teenaged and past puberty.

But what I wanted to remind you is you aren’t a little boy of 8 or 10, who was alone, scared and vulnerable. You’re a grown man, and you are safe from that kind of predator now. I know the disconnect between the intellectual/rational mind which understands the current present-day paradigm, and the emotional mind trapped in the past, and still perceiving the threat as current and ongoing.

I had this thought a few months back - the difference in my physical body from what I was as a child/young man up to 16, when he sexually abused me, and now, as a grown man, is very significant. I’m hardly up to the physical level of a professional athlete or a member of a military or law enforcement organization in peak comdition, but I have strength and power, muscle mass, technique, and courage to defend myself if I had to. I won’t be hurt or abused by anyone, and I won’t hesitate to bare my fangs and draw blood from my enemy if I am attacked or provoked.

I had no voice and no choice as a child; today I have the power to and the voice to say “Oh, Hell No!”

And so do you, as we all, in the community of survivors, do ... if we can just tell that scared emotional mind to get with today’s program and stop living in the past.

 

[MeditativeCycler]

Thank you for your kind words everyone.

I'm feeling a bit better today; some days you just need a little bit of a handheld from others, you know?