I Can't Believe This Has Happened

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I Can't Believe This Has Happened
N

Nancy

Registrant
Hi everyone,
I'm just going to post a note tonight as this is really a surprise to me, I'll add more tomorrow.

I came here because I care about the issue of male sexual assault & nothing more. Honest to God, I swear that is the truth. My heart is in the right place, I never intended to hurt a single soul here, & to think I may have lost your trust kills me. I was so happy to be able to provide a service to you. Why can't somebody from the outside come & support victims? Why do you have to be a survior to understand pain?

Let me tell you, I am not a liar, I am not a phony. When I say I care, I do. God knows this is the truth from my heart. I never intended to hurt anyone.

Yes, I have a book, but writing, I put it in my profile as an interest, has always been a hobby, is that a crime? I've written about a little boy named David who was abused. That's it. I don't use people. I use information from ARTICLES from the internet. I don't lie & use a character like Heather did. I only came here because I care tremendously about the issue of male rape & sexual abuse & my heart breaks for little boys who are treated like that. That is God's honest truth.

I will write more tomorrow, as it is late, but I had to say something. I pray to God I didn't lose anyone's trust. I understand completely how difficult it is for you all to trust, & please, accept my apology if I offended anyone, because that was not my intention.

I only meant to be a friend.

Honestly.

See you tomorrow.

Hopefully, still a friend, & I still wish all of you, healing for your lives,
Nancy
 
Nancy, I believe you, and I trust you. I want you to know one thing about that though. I have no choice. I do these things blindly, because I have to. I refuse to allow my assaulter to take those things away from me. I have to trust and believe everyone, at the very least until they give me a valid reason not to. I thank you for your wonderful intentions.
:)
 
Nancy,
I believe you and trust you. Trust for me is difficult, but what you have put forth thus far makes me believe you have a good heart.
I am glad you understand some people's trepidation where you are concerned. I hope you will not take it personally
You are in my prayers, my Sister!
Casey
 
Thanks for your clarification.

HOWEVER:

Much of my own resentment comes, no doubt, from my own circumstances. What has brought me here is not some kind of hypothetical do-good-ism: I am in love with a beautiful, courageous, but somewhat broken man who has been able to transform a lot of his experience into something lovely & marvelous but is still unable to come to grips with the REALITY of what happened to him and cannot form an intimate relationship.

I am not a therapist. He is not a test case.

Time after time we have both suffered from the longterm impact of his abuse and my rapes. We have been engaging for YEARS in a "come-here/ go-away" dance that has left us both exhausted.

So - when someone comes here to MS, which is one of MY only outlets as a Rape & Trauma Survivor - simply because SHE has to PROVE to the world just how "noble" she is - well.... Sorry, but I can't accept that.

If you are truly concerned, you will learn what ALL of us Partners here have had to learn from our own REAL LIFE experiences: WHEN TO SHUT UP!

If you want to sensitize yourself - fine. You can do so without attempting to insinuate yourself where you do not belong. You do not need to post.

If you are sincere, you can go back to school & become a therapist where you just might do some REAL good for some REAL Survivors.

Honestly - I find it amazing that anyone would truly want to be an MS Groupie. It reminds me of "the stranger who comes to a funeral & wails louder than the bereaved."

While it is "nice" that you want to be "nice" to us, the focus here at MS is on THE SURVIVORS & THEIR PARTNERS & FAMILY - it is NOT on "Nancy."
 
Nancy,

Your style of writing in this post is different from your others. You seem more articulate, more mature...in my opinion, you tried to present yourself as a friendly and enthusiastic girl in the others. Was that a role you were playing to earn the trust of people here so that theyd be open to sharing with you so you could incorporate it into your book?

Tabor
 
Tabor,
I wasn't playing any role. I don't "play" games with hurting people. Forget about the damn book. That thing is only a hobby, & for your information, I haven't touched it because I've spent time writing to the survivors here that have liked hearing from me. I'm getting a little disgusted with all of this. You don't believe what I tell you, so why do you ask?
Nancy
 
This has a chance of spiraling out of control and I can't really handle the negativity right now. But, blessed are the peacekeepers and all that.

Nancy, I believe you and your words have been great comfort to me personally. However, and I say this with little insight as to where this viewpoint comes from. Some people put extraordinary virtue on folks who are struggling with things. Mental in our case, physical in others. They see us as being "purer of spirit," whatever the hell that means, and want to use us (again) for vicarious pleasure. It has happened before, as I'm sure you've become aware, and it leave a lot of people feeling VERY vulnerable. We, all of us, me included, have to tread oh-so-carefully here because we've been hurt and anything can set us of. We've also heard words that built us up to being truly saintly, only to be hurt by them. Again, not you, but we've been affected by this.

Kolisha and Tabor. I also love and respect you both, but there ARE people who come here with good hearts and great intentions. Theymean no harm and want to do much good to help us. Because we've had freakf**kers (pardon my language and this is NOT how I feel about everyone here) and pretenders come here to do harm, NOT EVERYONE is one of these. Let me ask you, how do you know I'M not some kind of liar and thrillseeker? How do you know I'm not living vicariously through the brothers and you guys?

You don't. You accept me for what i say I am and it has saved my life. I'm so greatful for everyone here, that you've listened and offered support. We CAN'T turn away people who wish to offer support simply because we've been stung or someone gets too enthusiastic.

I want to save the world, too. And I jump in too quickly. But I do anyway.

Let's think, people, before we act and be gentle with each other.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot,
I burst into tears when I read what you had to say for me this morning. It meant everything to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart how you believed me & stuck up for me. I was worried about losing your trust most of all.

Yes, this thing is going out of control & I just want it to stop & have things back to the way they were because I was very happy. Last night after I PM'd you, that letter I wrote you made me feel so good. I truly hope it helped you feel better.

You're right. We should be gentle with each other, that's the way I always try to be.

Thank you, thank you, Scot. Hope to hear from you again & I hope you have a really good day.

Your friend,
Nancy
 
Nancy,

I believe you, too, but share some of the feelings of your critics.

It actually does me good to know that people can care without having had experience themselves.

Still, I come here to get the input of people who know what it's like, and the input of people who may know what my wife is going through as a survivor's spouse.

Without meaning to beat you up, let me give an example.

You said that you wished things would go back the way they were because you were so happy. Happy? Happy? I go through a lot of feelings when I come to this sight--relief, comfort, sorrow, shame, pride, release, anger, but I don't think I have ever been "happy" with this place. But, mayble I'm misreading you.

Things can get out of control here. That is the nature of conversation. People don't respond the way we think they will. I don't come here for control.

Am I being hard on you? I don't really mean to, but you may take it that way. And this is what can happen.

I am very sensitive about all of these issues. Sometimes, I don't think anyone could say something that wouldn't hurt.

I call it, "Sunburn Syndrome." You know if you have a sunburn, a friend may just want to give you a pat on the back, but it hurts. I have been hurt when people did not mean to cause pain, but knowing they were friendly did not make the pain go away. And, actually, their saying, "sorry" didn't either.

Now I'm ranting again.

Keep listening and learning, which, if I understand, is some of what you are here for.

And, as I've said before, I'll take support wherever I can get it.
 
In light of recent events at MS I have closed this topic while the Moderators discuss what actions, if any, to take.

I would appreciate it if further discussions were not continued in new topics as we fear there is the potential for further argument that would be harmfull.

Lloydy ( Forums Administrator )
 
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