I came back after many years.

Blondecurls

New Registrant
Hello all, 40 year old man here.

Many years ago I posted on this forum because I had questions related to some memories I have. I recall posting some thoughts and the response was that I was abused as a child. I didn't really identify as someone who was abused and when I read the Survivor Stories section I backed off because what I read was so shocking. Fast forward 10+years and countless of therapy sessions and here I am.

I've been a misfit for all my life. I was scared of girls and scared of intimacy and as a result I didn't have any sexual relationships until I was about 25. I've only had one real relationship and it didn't end well. I was dumped because I'm unable to have a physical relationship with another human being. I had sex with her because she wanted to and I know it was expected. I wanted to be normal. You might think that I was dumped because was an ass, but me and my ex departed as friends and we have no bad feelings towards each other.

I've been in therapy for +12 years and just recently we have started to get into my experiences as a child. I was sexually abused when I was 3-5-ish years old. I was also abused as a teenager but that was not sexual it was just physical.

My memories are in the form of pictures and smells. I remember wallpapers, sounds, and certain images. There are so many holes in my memory, but at least now I know. I finally know.
 
(((((((Blondecurls))))))) (e-Hug)

Sorry for what happened to you. I have had similar issues. Sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found us (again). Again know that none of this was your fault. Feel free to PM-me (Private Conversation).

--Kal
 

Blondecurls

New Registrant
(((((((Blondecurls))))))) (e-Hug)

Sorry for what happened to you. I have had similar issues. Sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found us (again). Again know that none of this was your fault. Feel free to PM-me (Private Conversation).

--Kal
Thank you for your reply. I read it on my phone as I was walking down the street and I started to cry for some reason. People must think I'm crazy lol.
 
Yes I cry at random times, too. It is all part of the process. but you just touched my heart. Be blessed, my brother. Contact me if you need to talk.
 
Blondecurls I am so sorry you cried hearing NC’s response to the pain you expressed. You are not crazy - but you are getting healthier emotionally and it showed up in those walking tears.

I didn’t cry in the 40+ years I tried to forget what for me was unforgettable. After all “big boys don’t cry” and “if you are going to cry I might as well give you are reason” were drummed into me by my parents and siblings. (Youngest by 12 and 13 years of 3 boys). Then the dam of tears broke with the dam of denial and I could not stop the flood.

Found out emotionally Healthy men DO cry.

Crying is soooo much better.
 
Hi Blondecurls

Welcome back. Sorry for what has brought you here. i glad you had the courage to reach out again. I cry often to responses I get they just feel so right some of them. Again welcome back. You are not a lone and none of this was your fault.

Take Care
Esterio
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
hey man. I was here a long long time ago too. just hit 40 as well.
sorry for all the stuff u have gone through, but glad ur back. I was also abused at that early age.
glad u are getting into the deep stuff with therapy. I know its hard though.
welcome back
 
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