I belong

[i-m-Bri]

I just posted the story of my assault on my blog. I cut the post short, just the story, not the effects. I felt overwhelmed and incoherent. It’s going to take time for me to write it out. I’m not prone to stomach issues, but I’ve been uncomfortable for days writing it. A few minutes after posting it, my back went into a painful muscle spasm. Haven’t had that for years. Not surprised. I’m struggling with all the feelings. Calling what happened an assault takes effort, to cut through denial and minimizing. Feeling compassion for the little boy I was is a fight against all the crap in my head. It’s like a swirling ball, a gyro ripping my insides apart, but keeping me grounded, stuck too.

I’ve always been alone in these feelings. It’s the place I learned to stay off by myself, apart. I know my history is strange and way different then most of yours. But I can’t stand alone anymore. It sucks to say, but I belong here too.

 

[Ceremony]

Brian, yes.

I'm sorry when getting into this, others find their pain. We validate and empathize, but I know that pain gets raw and traumatic. There is goodness and compassion here, helping to endure. The "we're in this together" becomes part of me.

I think your blog is helpful. Giving more public exposure to our thinking, our feelings. I post with all my being here in MS, no holding back. Here, more of me is exposed than any time in my life. This place, for the first time, gives rise to my courage to let it all go. (the Cure☺)

 

[i-m-Bri]

Ceremony,

Thank you. I felt really alone this morning. I am so good at being apart, it's how I denied myself. I can give you a thousand reasons why I don't belong here. Especially with the assault. I'm talking a little kid.

I have to be public. Secrets were rotting me and destroying my life. When I realized that no one I met in the past 3 decades knew anything about my history, I knew I had to go all out.

Thank you for connecting with me.
-Brian

 

[zookeeper]

Hey Bri
I am sorry this has been so hard and that you have reason to be in the club so to speak. But know that there are some if the best guys in the world here. My life from last year until now has done a 180 in a better direction. And I credit several of the men from MS with holding me up grouch this.
Just remember-you are good, you are loved and you are never, never alone
Zoo-Brian

 

[i-m-Bri]

Bri,
First, thank you for calling me Bri! I've had a really strong urge lately to ask those closest to me to call me Bri. I don't know about you, but it tells me the person likes me.

I am so happy for your incredible success. Your input and gentle presence is so much a part of what makes MS a valuable resource for us all. Thank you for all you do.

-Bri