I believe abuse led me to being Trans

[ImVoiceless]

Sorry if it seems rushed, I spent 4 hours typing this just to hit Refresh…also I’ve NEVER ever shared something like this.

Growing up in a Jehovah’s Witness family my life felt completely “normal” until one year around the age of 6 a fairly older cousin moved practically next door.

We quickly became best friends doing everything together, this is someone I looked up to & trusted deeply however around the age of 8 he started using vulgar terms & showing me porn which to me just felt like us being bad sneaky kids you know?? Around this time I still had strong attractions to women in every way, even had a few vivid crushes

My very first memory was of him wanting me to “make the volcano explode” AKA his dick… the porn become increasingly explicit as well as the sexual acts we were doing which became regular in our day to day hangouts & there was a mutual unsaid understanding that I was the girl…
We never once made eye contact or talked during, after he would cum he’d act as if nothing ever happened & we would start to talk again like normal
it was NEVER about mutual pleasure the only times I ever orgasmed was during a few of the times we had anal sex. Which I had become content with, however I was too embarrassed to ever express the level of pleasure I was receiving so I never moaned or brought it up.
This abuse went on until I was 16!!! At that time He had gotten married & just ghosted me. I was so lost… I went from living my life as someone’s girl to nothing at all,. I started meeting guys from Grindr in their 40s+…

When I was 18 I got my first girlfriend a cute petite 17 year old working at my job… I never once intiated hanging out… I never once went in for a kiss even AFTER she started kissing me I was just awkward.. One night she invited me to her college dorm room & told me to bring condoms, even tho we’re laying in a twin sized bed together and I’m FINGERING HER I couldn’t feel aroused… she asked me my dick size and sounded super excited but after playing with my limp dick 30 minutes she basically scoffed at me and went to bed
I tried to visit her again but her and her friends were pretty much laughing at me the whole time… I stuck through it tho, even bought her a jacket and 90$ sushi but Ofcourse… she sent me home with just a kiss & dumped me the next day thru text saying I was a loser
After her I fell deep into porn & chastity use… even got back on Grindr & made plans with an older man who wanted me to move in with him, the idea was for me to start hormones & be his GF

At this same time my job hired a new assistant manager & to my surprise we HIT IT OFF, I decided to make a final mad dash towards masculinity, she was 40 & I was 21 she has 3 young kids & we were doing WONDERFUL but Ofcourse my inability to get hard & the fact that I never moaned or made noise started to bother her, however she was persistent in finding answers…

After months of fights I finally sent her a message while at work, explaining a lot of my issues, to my surprise when I got home she had lingeries & even bought a strapon from the local sex shop, started doing my makeup & shaved my face


She was/is very mad about me lying to her regarding my life & mental state BUT supports & encourages my transition however I see the faces she makes… she doesn’t ACTUALLY want it, just wants me to be happy
Even asked me to come out and dress feminine in public but I’m certain my family will disown me & I also wouldn’t want her children to see their strong masculine father figure become a woman.

She is now 41 & I’m 23 I DREAM of being comfortable in my skin… a normal straight male… I can’t come to terms that I have to shatter everyone’s image of me JUST TO BE HAPPY… I 110% believe if my childhood had been different I wouldn’t have all these damned issues

I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I see now & truly believe finishing my transition to female will result in my happiness it’s just so DISGUSTINGLY sad what it took to get me to this point… Seems as if I just have to get over it and let it go, play the cards I’ve been dealt in life & live on as a proud trans woman.

Thanks for reading guys, I just became aware of this website today

 

[TheNewMason]

Finding your true self is sometimes a long and twisted road. If you don't have a therapist already, I would recommend getting one. They can help you sort through your gender identity feelings. Transitioning to be your true self, as you know, is a process. Give yourself some grace.

 

[dreamgurl]

First of all I am glad you have found us here on MS Forum. Sorry for the path you experienced to bring you here. Mason has given you excellent and valuable advice! A therapist can help you process you gender identity feelings in a non-emotional manner. There are many here who have had to deal with what you are facing now, read the posts here especially those in "Sexual Identity" and you will see you are not alone. Be Kind to Yourself and I wish you Peace!

 

[SaberCat]

Welcome to male survivor! I’m sorry you had to endure the abuse to need to be here. It’s a great judgement free zone. I’ve been here since 2007 and found healing and hope. I relate to a lot of your story. My CSA started at 3 with an older cousin and his mom (my Aunt). I dissociated through it and most of my life until around 23. It lasted until I was 5 and they moved away. I was also molested by a cop at 7.

I’ve always had problems maintaining an erection. I’m 61 and sex has almost always been stressful. I love my wife, I’ve been really aroused and I still couldn’t maintain the erection. I found a drug called tri-mix. It’s prescription “super-viagra”. It works and it doesn’t matter if you still have hang ups or are stressed about sex like I was. A slight drawback it it’s injected into the base of the penis. I got over that because it was the only way I could have sex. There are other forms like gels. Ask your doctor about it. It was a game changer for my sex life.

I don’t believe CSA has anything to do with whether you are trans or gay, bi, or anything else. It definitely makes things much more complicated. But the statistics of how many children are sexually abused is staggering. I bring this up because 1 in 3 girls (33%) and 1 in 5 boys (20%) under 18 are sexually abused. But transgender people only amount to roughly 1% of the total population including adults. The math doesn’t add up. Even counting ALL LGBT+ people, it’s only 9.7 % of the total population. Far below the huge number of children abused. A few years ago, it was 1 in 4 girls (25%) and 1 in 6 boys (~18%). Trans people are the current scapegoat / distraction from this epidemic. More info (link)

Remember this: it’s NOT your fault. You were betrayed and hurt by someone you should have been able to trust. There is hope though. MS is a great resource to have. I really encourage you to seek therapy with someone who specializes in trauma, specifically sexual trauma.

Peace my sister

 

[Jennifer2]

It is going to be a long journey, but as a trans girlie who has gotten through a lot of my transition, and is learning to heal things, it is worth it. Please be gentle and reach out. As my posts prove, I have had my share of mess along the way, but it is worth it to stick at it. Stay in touch, sister.

 

[Jennifer2]

I don't think my trauma has 'caused' my transness, but it has greatly shaped the unfolding of it, as well as my practical sexuality - what is and is not possible, not necessarily what is attractive to me - but these things evolve. Don't give up.

 

[ImVoiceless]

It is going to be a long journey, but as a trans girlie who has gotten through a lot of my transition, and is learning to heal things, it is worth it. Please be gentle and reach out. As my posts prove, I have had my share of mess along the way, but it is worth it to stick at it. Stay in touch, sister.

Oh my goodness I had a heart attack when your message came up, I was just in deep thought about the whole coming out to family. My mothers name is Jennifer xD


But I also wanna ask you, were you worried you wouldn’t “transition” enough? I’m finding myself on the fence regarding things like…if my hair will grow out…will voice therapy work out…will my facial structure make it obvious???

 

[Jennifer2]

Oh my goodness I had a heart attack when your message came up, I was just in deep thought about the whole coming out to family. My mothers name is Jennifer xD


But I also wanna ask you, were you worried you wouldn’t “transition” enough? I’m finding myself on the fence regarding things like…if my hair will grow out…will voice therapy work out…will my facial structure make it obvious???

Yeah, I think that a deep dive into my views of the experience of transition might not be the best thing to share publicly, but I get where you are coming from, and if you private message me, we can talk about it.

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

I don't think my trauma has 'caused' my transness, but it has greatly shaped the unfolding of it, as well as my practical sexuality - what is and is not possible, not necessarily what is attractive to me - but these things evolve. Don't give up.

This is how I feel about it as well. My queerness as a whole, and my gender identity and expression in particular, have indeed been shaped by my abuse. Some aspects are intrinsically tied together, but some parts of both do exist in isolation separate from each other. Some things were always true, the fundamental nature of me being trans for one, but my understanding of it from then onwards has been shaped by the rest of my life. Of course including, but hardly limited to, my abuse.

But I also wanna ask you, were you worried you wouldn’t “transition” enough? I’m finding myself on the fence regarding things like…if my hair will grow out…will voice therapy work out…will my facial structure make it obvious???

I very very much so relate to this. Just 4 days ago I had my first appointment talking about starting HRT, transition goals, and all that. What I want to do is start out slow, and see where that takes me, and how I feel about it. I know I want to medically transition, and I know I don't want to do so in the simplest or most traditional sense. But that's what you work with your providers on, and figure it out together. No two trans girls experiences, goals, and wants will be the same, and it's always going to be a discovery process.

Yeah, I think that a deep dive into my views of the experience of transition might not be the best thing to share publicly, but I get where you are coming from, and if you private message me, we can talk about it.

I second this all as well.

 

[ImVoiceless]

I kinda believe that, we can almost all go “either way” what if perhaps we erased the sexual abuse, & replaced it with sane sexual experiences with a female class mate, Im almost certain I would have turned out the exact opposite as I am now

 

[ImVoiceless]

I kinda believe that, we can almost all go “either way” what if perhaps we erased the sexual abuse, & replaced it with sane sexual experiences with a female class mate, Im almost certain I would have turned out the exact opposite as I am now

 

[Colt1958]

Sorry if it seems rushed, I spent 4 hours typing this just to hit Refresh…also I’ve NEVER ever shared something like this.

Growing up in a Jehovah’s Witness family my life felt completely “normal” until one year around the age of 6 a fairly older cousin moved practically next door.

We quickly became best friends doing everything together, this is someone I looked up to & trusted deeply however around the age of 8 he started using vulgar terms & showing me porn which to me just felt like us being bad sneaky kids you know?? Around this time I still had strong attractions to women in every way, even had a few vivid crushes

My very first memory was of him wanting me to “make the volcano explode” AKA his dick… the porn become increasingly explicit as well as the sexual acts we were doing which became regular in our day to day hangouts & there was a mutual unsaid understanding that I was the girl…
We never once made eye contact or talked during, after he would cum he’d act as if nothing ever happened & we would start to talk again like normal
it was NEVER about mutual pleasure the only times I ever orgasmed was during a few of the times we had anal sex. Which I had become content with, however I was too embarrassed to ever express the level of pleasure I was receiving so I never moaned or brought it up.
This abuse went on until I was 16!!! At that time He had gotten married & just ghosted me. I was so lost… I went from living my life as someone’s girl to nothing at all,. I started meeting guys from Grindr in their 40s+…

When I was 18 I got my first girlfriend a cute petite 17 year old working at my job… I never once intiated hanging out… I never once went in for a kiss even AFTER she started kissing me I was just awkward.. One night she invited me to her college dorm room & told me to bring condoms, even tho we’re laying in a twin sized bed together and I’m FINGERING HER I couldn’t feel aroused… she asked me my dick size and sounded super excited but after playing with my limp dick 30 minutes she basically scoffed at me and went to bed
I tried to visit her again but her and her friends were pretty much laughing at me the whole time… I stuck through it tho, even bought her a jacket and 90$ sushi but Ofcourse… she sent me home with just a kiss & dumped me the next day thru text saying I was a loser
After her I fell deep into porn & chastity use… even got back on Grindr & made plans with an older man who wanted me to move in with him, the idea was for me to start hormones & be his GF

At this same time my job hired a new assistant manager & to my surprise we HIT IT OFF, I decided to make a final mad dash towards masculinity, she was 40 & I was 21 she has 3 young kids & we were doing WONDERFUL but Ofcourse my inability to get hard & the fact that I never moaned or made noise started to bother her, however she was persistent in finding answers…

After months of fights I finally sent her a message while at work, explaining a lot of my issues, to my surprise when I got home she had lingeries & even bought a strapon from the local sex shop, started doing my makeup & shaved my face


She was/is very mad about me lying to her regarding my life & mental state BUT supports & encourages my transition however I see the faces she makes… she doesn’t ACTUALLY want it, just wants me to be happy
Even asked me to come out and dress feminine in public but I’m certain my family will disown me & I also wouldn’t want her children to see their strong masculine father figure become a woman.

She is now 41 & I’m 23 I DREAM of being comfortable in my skin… a normal straight male… I can’t come to terms that I have to shatter everyone’s image of me JUST TO BE HAPPY… I 110% believe if my childhood had been different I wouldn’t have all these damned issues

I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I see now & truly believe finishing my transition to female will result in my happiness it’s just so DISGUSTINGLY sad what it took to get me to this point… Seems as if I just have to get over it and let it go, play the cards I’ve been dealt in life & live on as a proud trans woman.

Thanks for reading guys, I just became aware of this websi

Sorry if it seems rushed, I spent 4 hours typing this just to hit Refresh…also I’ve NEVER ever shared something like this.

Growing up in a Jehovah’s Witness family my life felt completely “normal” until one year around the age of 6 a fairly older cousin moved practically next door.

We quickly became best friends doing everything together, this is someone I looked up to & trusted deeply however around the age of 8 he started using vulgar terms & showing me porn which to me just felt like us being bad sneaky kids you know?? Around this time I still had strong attractions to women in every way, even had a few vivid crushes

My very first memory was of him wanting me to “make the volcano explode” AKA his dick… the porn become increasingly explicit as well as the sexual acts we were doing which became regular in our day to day hangouts & there was a mutual unsaid understanding that I was the girl…
We never once made eye contact or talked during, after he would cum he’d act as if nothing ever happened & we would start to talk again like normal
it was NEVER about mutual pleasure the only times I ever orgasmed was during a few of the times we had anal sex. Which I had become content with, however I was too embarrassed to ever express the level of pleasure I was receiving so I never moaned or brought it up.
This abuse went on until I was 16!!! At that time He had gotten married & just ghosted me. I was so lost… I went from living my life as someone’s girl to nothing at all,. I started meeting guys from Grindr in their 40s+…

When I was 18 I got my first girlfriend a cute petite 17 year old working at my job… I never once intiated hanging out… I never once went in for a kiss even AFTER she started kissing me I was just awkward.. One night she invited me to her college dorm room & told me to bring condoms, even tho we’re laying in a twin sized bed together and I’m FINGERING HER I couldn’t feel aroused… she asked me my dick size and sounded super excited but after playing with my limp dick 30 minutes she basically scoffed at me and went to bed
I tried to visit her again but her and her friends were pretty much laughing at me the whole time… I stuck through it tho, even bought her a jacket and 90$ sushi but Ofcourse… she sent me home with just a kiss & dumped me the next day thru text saying I was a loser
After her I fell deep into porn & chastity use… even got back on Grindr & made plans with an older man who wanted me to move in with him, the idea was for me to start hormones & be his GF

At this same time my job hired a new assistant manager & to my surprise we HIT IT OFF, I decided to make a final mad dash towards masculinity, she was 40 & I was 21 she has 3 young kids & we were doing WONDERFUL but Ofcourse my inability to get hard & the fact that I never moaned or made noise started to bother her, however she was persistent in finding answers…

After months of fights I finally sent her a message while at work, explaining a lot of my issues, to my surprise when I got home she had lingeries & even bought a strapon from the local sex shop, started doing my makeup & shaved my face


She was/is very mad about me lying to her regarding my life & mental state BUT supports & encourages my transition however I see the faces she makes… she doesn’t ACTUALLY want it, just wants me to be happy
Even asked me to come out and dress feminine in public but I’m certain my family will disown me & I also wouldn’t want her children to see their strong masculine father figure become a woman.

She is now 41 & I’m 23 I DREAM of being comfortable in my skin… a normal straight male… I can’t come to terms that I have to shatter everyone’s image of me JUST TO BE HAPPY… I 110% believe if my childhood had been different I wouldn’t have all these damned issues

I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I see now & truly believe finishing my transition to female will result in my happiness it’s just so DISGUSTINGLY sad what it took to get me to this point… Seems as if I just have to get over it and let it go, play the cards I’ve been dealt in life & live on as a proud trans woman.

Thanks for reading guys, I just became aware of this website today

Welcome! I have found it is important to live my life on my terms. I had disassociated identities and secrets for way too long.