I back, again.....

[Logan]

My friend told me recently when I spoke to him that I don't have anything to apologize for, but I still think that I do.

Basically I thought that I had dealt with all or most of the stuff that happened to me and believed that it was just time for me to move on-away from the site MS-and just try to live my life and not focus/obsess with what happend to me and for the most part I was right..... until very recently I had some new stuff come up and didn't really know where to turn.

The stuff that I remembered and continue to is what I consider personally to be the worst part of my history and the worst of my abuse and truth be told i was and still am very nervous about discussing it here-----I think that is because of the nature of the stuff I went through and was participant to.

i'm sure no one is sure of what I am alluding to and I will post about it, but first I thought that I HAD to apologize for leaving and sorta ditching this place to focus on myself "and not pay it forward to more people, and now 'he's just here/back 'cause he needs help him self.'"

So I just don't want people to think that because the stuff I am gonna post is pretty much the worst thing that i remember and still think about and it is still very scary for me to even think about, much less talk/post about. But, I am going to do so anyway, for me yes, but also so that if this happened to anyone else maybe it will help them to feel less alone and ok about having gone through it.

My next posts will be in the new(for me at least) forum "those abused by media." I think that is what its called.

Sincerely,
Logan

 

[FormerTexan]

Welcome back, Logan.

 

[traveler]

Logan -

you are certainly welcome back. i am just sorry that you have a renewed need to be here. in my humble opinion you do not need to apologize for leaving to go on with your own life in any way you saw fit at the time. but is very gracious of you to do so - and the sentiment is appreciated - at least by me.

i wish you strength and courage as you take the next step of disclosure. and please do not feel bad about returning when you need help. that is why we all are here. i certainly hope that you find whatever kind of support you seek. and be assured that whatever you share will undoubtedly help someone else.

Lee

 

[Publius]

Logan I also recently returned to MS after a long break so I understand how you feel. I wrestled with the question of whether or not it was fair for me to come back after so long or to bring "new" problems to the forefront. Ultimately, I decided to reach back out to the people on this site and am happier for it. This is a wonderful place for healing not only because of the members but because of the nature of recovery. By sharing with one another we not only help ourselves but we show every other survivor on this site that he is not alone. So I guess I just want to say I am happy to be joining you in taking the next big step forward on our respective journey of recovery.

 

[Suwanee]

Logan,

Even as I feel less of a need to use MS as frequently as I did at the beginning, it's nice to know the porch light is always on for newcomers and returning members alike.

Will

 

[Jude]

Logan,

No apology needed. Guys come and go as they feel the need to. Like Suwanee said "The porch light's always on" for men who need other men who get it.

Jude

 

[don64]

Hi Logan,

My opinion is the whole point of MS is to be here for guys who need it, when they need it. You sure own me NO apology. I've been through enough and continue to go through enough without feeling obligatory about my participation. Feeling obligatory would be a disincentive for me. IMO, your number one priority is to just take care of yourself. And, in my experience, that is never at another's expense.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[Logan]

I can not, truly say or even begin to to express how much this means to me truly...... I know That I have been through something terrible ,but We ALL have! (tears).
I just want to say thank you soo, so much for these replies. It feels as though that I don't deserve this at all. We are e here for much of the same of the reason.
It hurts so much tot I am not preaching to a tiny group-i am sorry for this- however it feels............ amazing to not be alone!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so bad for saying the things I need to get out and I feel terrible for saying so!
My only consolidation is that what I say may be of benefit to others by being an example of what sometimes happens, especially when it is Not ones fault, No matter how much it feels as id it is.


Yes, I was forced to Participate but that does Not mean that I enjoyed it, even if it for a moment felt physically good, based on physiology!!!!!!!!!

I don't posses all the answers, but my T ays that there is no way that I can be held accountable for what happened to and with me!
I really hope that such is true (heavy Tears).


It hurts so much to realize or just believe that you must have played a part... it Hurts SO much!!!!!!!!!!


Thank You all for your replies, they mean a great deal to someone that is currently struggling.
I just hope that I do not a shame anyone here and am very sorry if that is the case!!!
sincerely,
Logan

 

[Publius]

"It feels as though that I don't deserve this at all...I feel so bad for saying the things I need to get out and I feel terrible for saying so...My only consolidation is that what I say may be of benefit to others by being an example of what sometimes happens, especially when it is Not ones fault, No matter how much it feels as id it is."

Believe me Logan most every survivor knows how this feels. Rest assured, your being welcome here is no predicated on the notion that what you share has some "utility" for the rest of us. One of the most insidious aspects of sexual abuse imposed upon us by our perps is that of isolation. They not only destroy our psychological development but they mean to eternally separate us from the recovery resources that can help us heal, including each other. Well the jig is up. The only thing you didn't deserve was to be abuse and the only thing you deserve now is healing. The beauty of this website and of group therapy in general is the simple fact that when we help ourselves we are helping one another, and when we help one another we are helping ourselves. Lastly, I just saw the Blade Runner quote and it is awesome. I always thought it rung a little bit truer for those of us who have dealt with the pains of abuse in our childhood.

 

[C. E.]

Yes, I was forced to Participate but that does Not mean that I enjoyed it, even if it for a moment felt physically good, based on physiology!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wish I was just punched in the gut instead. There would be no ambivalence, no traitorous physiologic responses, no inconsistencies in my perspectives that I was assaulted and that I did not enjoy it, participate in it, or say it was OK. But that's what the S in cSa is all about. That dynamic drives right to the core of fragile, barely-germinated identities.

...I thought that I HAD to apologize for leaving and sorta ditching this place to focus on myself "and not pay it forward to more people, and now 'he's just here/back 'cause he needs help him self.'"

I very much believe that apologies are not necessary. In fact, it is that very "needs to help himself" thing of which you speak that gives so much. It's not as selfish as you think. We may share our pain in hopes that someone will relate, will say those magic words "me, too" - that somehow we might find comfort in the universality of our pain and scars. But the fact is that every time we share - like you have - we are giving, risking vulnerability with no promise of return. We leave them here - and so perhaps someone may read those words today, tomorrow, next month, or next year and find in them that same comfort we were looking for ourselves.

You have no obligations, Logan. And every time you come here to share, it is a gift.