I asked why - this is what i found

[markgreyblue]

i could not and usually cannot see myself -

no sense of self -

is it that i cannot or could not -

because my mother did mirror -


but i see this - i feel the biggest sense of self
when i love god -

in fact - it is the best moments that i feel the joy of it all -

and so i thought about this - and thought
thought to love god -

and slowly i got more of a sense of self -

and my mood is lifting -

i do love god - fellas!

and through him i am knowing me!

but also - the scientist feels how weak my eyes are -

an optometrist once told me - my eye movements are so slow to react -

like anything that isn't excercised - doesn't this cause depression or at least add to it?

i will seek to call on an optemetrist again -

i wonder....!?


M

 

[Whicker]

Mark,

Sometimes, our eyes divert from the things we don't want to view. They are 'slow' to react to things, when we are unsure of being safe and sound.
Shadows flit about our awareness, causing us to turn our heads rapidly, left to right. The terrible things that we don't wish to see hide there, in the shadows, waiting for us to 'See' them...

Finally, someday, somehow, they are drug into the open, into the Light, and are held there, screaming and writhing in turmoil as the evil that they represent is burned away.

Someday, somehow, someway, we find relief...

We can view each dawn, and each dusk with safety in the knowledge that we are now safe, and need no longer fear the shadows...

Whicker

 

[roadrunner]

Mark,

I guess we all ask the "why" questions from time to time, even though somehow we know when we start that there will be no answers for us.

My own take on that is that even though I feel justified in asking why, that question refers to the past, and as I have learned from Mike Church, it is the present and the future that I will be living the rest of my life. That is where I need to do my work here and now, and well, okay, maybe one day when I am at peace a lot more than I am now I will come back to the why questions.

What your post shows is that even without the answers to the big cosmic questions we can still recover our sense of worth and self-respect. That is so crucial to all the rest of our task. Thanks for reminding us of that.

Much love Mark,
Larry

 

[JAAY]

The "why" question? I think about the reason "why" I was abused and I have concluded that it was because my father was a sick, evil man. I place the blame with him. As I have grown stronger in recent weeks I realize that my mother was overhelmed caring for 7 children, running the house and putting on the front that all was well inside our household. She looked to her children for help and support because she did not get any from hubsand, parents and siblings. Her parents sent her away to Europe when she was 3 with two younger siblings and she ended up caring for her elderly grandparents and brother and sister. Mom retuned to NYC at age 18 and was made feel guility because she had no job skills. She should have left the bastard but woman who are abused often are unable to look out for themselves.

My recovery has been difficult. I think that putting back and discovering youself is hard work. I once read a book written by Lance Armstrong called "It Is Not About The Bike". Lance shares that while getting cancer really sucked the aftermath was worse. He had to deal with loss of sponors, mood swings and the fear of learning about the cancer showing up again.
It takes him a while to admit that learning to move beyond the attack on his body was very difficult.

I do not know if this answers the "Why" question but it seems to provide insight into what has happened to us as victims. I wish you all the very best.

JAAY