I am tired of feeling divided!

I am tired of feeling divided!
A

arghilles

Registrant
Hi to all of you!

Most of you probably don't know me. I have never been very active on this board but I go here occasionally to find support.
For those of you who don't know me;
I am 31 years old. I live in Sweden so my English may seem awkward to you. But I do my best.I am married. I have a three year old daughter.
I work as a teacher. I haven't been able to go through my whole education because of my problems.

I was sexually abused by my father since an early age and through my teens. He seldom showed me any kind of love or appreciation except then when the abuse went on. That is to say on those occasions.

As a grown up I have struggled, only God knows yaer after year, but it never ends. I am so tired and disappointed. I want so much. I want to make a career, I want to finally take my driver's licence, get a car, a house etc.

I have got a lovely wife that I love and a daughter and she is a blessing.

My father passed away this spring, but the wounds he left still ache every day, every hour of the day.

I am tired of feeling physical pain from what he did. I am tired of being afraid so often. I am lousy at commitmnets because people might want things from me. Things I can't give.

Most of all I am tired of my emotions. And I am tired of feeling one thing one hour and another the other hour.

Half the time I seem interested in other men and half the time in women. And I never like them both at the same time. It is like I need to fill that empty cup that never got love from guys. The boy who never was accepted at school by the other guys. The guy who stopped developing because I was emotionally frozen. I reason with myself and say: Ok time to get that love then, when I have got it it is only women again and 100 %. I am so tired of this. I just want to feel safe and whole and most of all accepted.

I thought taking part of this group might be a help for me. To get closer to other men and in the end overcome that fear I harbour since childhood. I don't trust.

How do we find the strength to go on? Why wasn't I accepted???

Hugs, Eric.
 
How do we find the strength to go on? Why wasn't I accepted???
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Eric,

If you've been reading here a while, you have probably seen how we find strength. We find it in each other and for each other.

What happened to you was wrong. Your father twisted your sexuality for his own purposes. That was wrong.

I often wasn't accepted. I think now I did not know how to behave around other people. I learned to fear physical and emotional violence while I was young. A man I trusted raped me when I was a teenager. I did not act like most people, and I did not know when it was safe to trust someone again.

My feelings come and go. It seems to me that there is no sense to why they come and how long they last. I don't know if my impressions are "normal" or are because I was abused. I do know that as bad as I ever feel, the feelings themselves won't kill me. Sometimes it feels like they will, but they won't.

It's wonderful to be a parent, isn't it? You can give your child the safety and comfort, the love and affection that your father should have given you. You can be a good parent, no matter what your own parent was. I have three children, and when I feel really bad, they often make me feel better just by being there. They don't know it, but they do.

Your English is fine. I often clutter what I want to say. I wish I wrote as clearly as you do.

I hope you find some strength here as I do. There are a lot of strong people here. They're good people. Read what they write, and write some more of your own.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Eric,

I often feel the like you do, don't know if I am the same person from hour to hour. I find it hard to trust and form new relationships. Its a frightening prospect after being so intimately violated.

I was abused by an older brother and an aunt. Being abused by family makes it more personal I think.

I have similar struggles with my career. I never seem to be able to make it go where I feel it should go. Its a constant struggle.

I hear you and will continue to listen. I urge you to come, post, and read more often. This is a place where we can safely begin to heal the broken trust that we have so long endured.

Its good to have you among us. Yeah and your english is fine, very good in fact.

I hope you find all the peace and serenity you so rightfully deserve.

Aaron
 
Eric. Welcome back my brother.

I know the feelings you are experiencing. They can be devistating for us. There is no joy in the obsessions that we have.

Eric your father abdicated that right the first time he abused you. I was not your fault, not ever. You say you were frozen in time. That is so true of us all. Nobody deserves the cruelty of sa, especially when the perp is supposed to be a caregiver.

Think of your lovely daughter and good wife. Think of the joy of learning that you bring to young people as a teacher. Do not let the shadows of what was and what might have been entangle you in their web.

You were abused. Simple fact. Cannot be changed ever. It happened. What you can change is your beliefs and emotions surrounding it. The primary belief as I have said above is that it was not your fault. The emotions will eventually become rage, not at yourself but at that man who claimed no right to be your father.

And look at you. You have broken the cycle. You are a kind and gentle person and are a true caregiver, both at home and in your chosen profession. Be proud of what you have accomplished. It is an awful lot. We tend to ignore our strengths.

Stay with us this time brother. Read, post, listen and join us on this hike to really living and not merely existing. I promise you that while bumpy it is the only trail that is worth it.
 
Eric, this battle of ours is so painful to us and the ones we love the most. We want to feel part of a "normal society" if there is such a thing. We want to be accepted, we want to have the love we lost out on. Most of the time, it is right in front of us, we are just afraid to take it.
The love we are looking for is from our spouse, our children, our friends here that don't judge, that take us for what we are and what we went through. We just have to accept it.
It is hard to love others as they deserve when we have been abused by someone that was "suppose" to love us, instead used this figurehead term (love us) as a means for personal sick, satisfaction.
Love your wife, love your beautiful daughter everyday, give yourself a chance to complete YOUR dreams, the dreams you were robbed of. I was recently at the grave of one of my preps and that of my father, I shouted out loud, under my breath, sobbed,cryed out and finally found some peace.
I am so grateful today as I look at my own 3 grown children and can say I took the time for them, the time my father did not have for me when his brother was abusing me. I regret so much that the abuse has torn my life apart just when my wife and I could be starting to enjoy things together.
But, there is hope, there is peace, I am starting to finally find it, this horror is not going to wreck another day of my life. I do not need to hide, nor do you........you did not ask for it you are the victim of a sick mind, a perverted being. It has controlled me and you for too long.
There is alot of love and support here, take advantage of it, nothing is stupid, nothing is judged, come back often.
Bob
 
I just wanted to say thanks for your replies,
Outis, Martin, MikeChurh and Ernie.
This time I am not going to withdraw, I'll try to stay here even though it is hard cause there is so much pain here too. But hopefully in the long run it will prove to be the right thing.

This morning has been a mess. It seems that I have a tendency to conceal my emotions and instead live in a sort of bubble. I refuse to see some things and I let my abuse become a living instead of moving on and recognizing me.
I am not sure how to step out of it. I cannot totally follow my emotions cause then I will get tangled up in a pattern too.
I have to try and become real.
The question is: How can I get real when there is so much pain?
I was vacuum cleaning this morning and I remembered how much he was after me also then when I did this as a child.
It has been too much and too often. I never wanted it.

Once again thank you for your fine words. They have given me some comfort and strength.

Eric
 
Eric
what keeps me going is one of lifes great mysteries at times.

Some days I'm so down and beat I wonder why I bother.
But something cheers me up again and I'm back on track again.
All it needs sometimes is something as simple as a good laugh with some friends or big hug from my wife.

But I'm a man of simple tastes ;)

Dave
 
Eric, ewlcome back here. Your English sounds most good to me, as I am not native speaker of it either, and you do much better of me.

I am most sorry of what you go through, with your father. My father was always abusive at us, but he was not the one who does the sexual abuse. I know of how it stays with you for long time, and of how the physical pain is still there. It still happens often at me also, frequently with flashbacks and panic.

I do not share your trouble, of feeling attraction for men as much as women. But I have trouble to feel of attraction at anyone at all, and feel so much shut off of my feelings in that sense.

I hope that you are able to work through of this, with therapy or with here. You have much to live for, with marriage and child. I am sure that your father's passing brought up much more at you recently. But you will be okay of this, you will get better of it. I wish you good luck of all this, and wish you well.

Leosha
 
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